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Once in a while, this disturbing cesspool of smut and nonsense that is the internet spits out a little nugget of gold for the world to enjoy. For those of you that are on the Twitter machine, I recently stumbled across one such golden nugget that needs to be shared. The account is called @Coffee_Dad, and while it is easily one of the strangest accounts on Twitter, it is also one of my favorites.
After browsing @Coffee_Dad‘s feed for a few seconds, you’ll quickly see that the premise of this parody account is that it’s a dad who is absolutely obsessed with coffee, but isn’t exactly technologically savvy, and is very confused by hashtags. Sometimes he puts a hashtag after a word, which is both silly and hilarious. On the day he joined Twitter, he tweeted 11 times about getting coffee.
For a little over a full month, that’s all he ever tweeted about. Making coffee. Drinking coffee. Running out of coffee. Buying more coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. You’re probably thinking, “That’s moderately funny, but gets old really fast.” True. But out of nowhere, on April 3 2012, Coffee Dad threw a curveball that nobody could’ve seen coming.
some days harder than others, having a coffee in remembrance of my late son.
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) April 3, 2012
Wait, what? Then he went right back to tweeting about coffee like it was no big deal.
made myself #some #coffee#
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) April 4, 2012
17 days later, he sent another tweet that under any other circumstances would be wildly depressing, but instead is hilarious.
drinking coffee with my son's widow, just as beautiful as the day he married her
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) April 20, 2012
He will also randomly reply to followers, but his answers don’t make any fucking sense, and he usually just says “sometimes.” Here are the rest of his incredible greatest hits…
driving down the road where my son lost his life and i lost everything
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) May 26, 2012
sadly drinking coffee from my #1 DAD coffee mug. I miss him.
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) June 17, 2012
hahawhat? RT @haha_what: @coffee_dad hey cool you got 10k followers dude
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) June 20, 2012
dwinking coffee
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) June 30, 2012
sometimes RT @_homing: @coffee_dad everything is coffee and nothing hurts
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) July 9, 2012
today would have been another birthday for my sweet angel please always watch for motorcycles
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) July 17, 2012
visiting my son's grave. how could I have let this happen?
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) August 28, 2012
do you know what my son is being for halloween? a ghost, because he decided to drink and drive.
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) October 27, 2012
no RT @AdamYoungIsMine: @coffee_dad you should listen to the song "Cold coffee" by Ed Sheeran
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) February 21, 2013
I'll never forget the last thing he said. I'll never forgive myself.
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) March 5, 2013
I can't take this much longer.
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) June 16, 2013
i still remember everything from the day he was born the smell of his perfect hair his tiny fingers happy birthday my sweet son we miss you
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) July 17, 2013
When the air starts to cool and the leaves begin to change, I feel a pain so deep in my heart that I can't stand it. I'll love you forever.
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) October 3, 2013
I'm severely depressed.
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) October 31, 2013
@Coffee_Dad now has over 90,000 followers. Sure, it’s probably just a weird parody account that was created by a guy with the intention of only tweeting about coffee as a joke, who then realized he was building a huge following and decided to throw a hilarious twist on the whole thing, but I like to pretend it’s all real. That somewhere out there is a dad who has been driven mad by grief, and the only way he can cope with the loss of his son is by tweeting about coffee all day every day.
I like my humor dark, like @Coffee_Dad likes his coffee.
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Ross Bolen
Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.
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WRBolen
He should talk to his HR rep. This is a serious issue!
@RealCarrotFacts does something similar, but with a girlfriend who broke up with him instead.
One of my favorite follows.
Fun facts about @Coffee_Dad:
1) He is into Pokemon
2) He posts on Pokemon discussion boards. German discussion boards.
3) He is fluent in German.
4) He has been doing this since 2010 (two years before he discovered Twitter).
Works Cited: http://www.bisaboard.de/board12-pok%C3%A9mon_allgemeines/board7-pok%C3%A9mon_spiele_editionen/board411-heart_gold_soul_silver/143537-pok%C3%A9walker_z%C3%A4hlt_schritte_nicht/
Good post, coffee dad is hilarious. For any @BarstoolBigCat followers out there (Chicago), similar humor can be found by following @Hey_BigCat.