Classifieds: Dude In Search Of A Rowdier Group Text

Classifieds: Dude In Search Of A Rowdier Group Text

“All good things must come to an end.” — Marilyn Monroe (probably)

I’ve recently had to do something that I’ve been dreading for months. What began as a private Facebook group before iMessage existed then turned into a group text. As young, simple men in the thick of our 20s, our group text was filled all the debauchery we came to know and love from one another. But one by one, man by man, they started to drop off. Once one of them got engaged, they started dropping like flies. And as they grew closer and closer with their partners, their phone’s sacred anonymity became non-existant. It negatively affected everything and turned into a safe space that revolved solely around sports news and false catching up.

So, I did the absolute unthinkable and put the group text on “Do Not Disturb.”

Would it kill them to hear that I did that? Probably. After all, it’s acknowledging that our group of friends has completely lost its edge. It’s admitting defeat, waving the white flag to where we used to exchange screenshots of hot Instagram models and relive stories of bar hookups. But no, it’s over. Done. Kaput.

And now, I’m essentially a free agent looking for a rowdier group text, as exhibited by the ad I’m contemplating running in our local newspaper.

Man In Search Of Rowdier Group Text

Wanted: A group of friends to text with on a regular basis, specifically between the hours of 8 p.m. and 11 p.m.

Preferred media to include, but not limited to: stories of new hookups (and hookups past), screenshots of Instagram models that I’m not allowed to follow for fear of looking like a pervert, cross-platform interactions (ie. Snapchat, Twitter).

Specifically looking for a group that does not exceed five people, as it will become increasingly overwhelming. Must follow and sign off on The Ten Commandments Of Group Texting to even be taken into consideration.

Serious inquiries only: no poop photography, baby photos, or spotty texters.

Please email or text 231-***-**** with qualifications.

Will it be easy to transition to a new group of friends? Of course not. I didn’t choose this path, but I can’t go on living like this. I can’t just sit in bed at night watching television without something to distract me during commercials. I crave the brotherhood, sacredness, and debaucherous nature of an iMessage that I have to shield from any female in my life for fear of her never talking to any of us again should she read the entirety of the conversation. Is it dangerous to fly this close to the sun? Yeah, it is. But it’s the only edge I have in my life at this point.

I fear that once I hit the age of thirty, I’m going to have to really grow up. No more looking at spring break photos on Facebook, no more strip clubs, no more getting hammered on a casual Thursday night just because. But all I ask in this world is that no one takes away the satisfaction I get from having an unruly group text with my friends.

And again, serious inquiries only.

Image via Unsplash

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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