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It’s the middle of the night, and you’ve already gotten up once to pee, so this second time you’re not sure what’s going on.
There’s an odd sensation on the roof of your mouth near the tonsils and it doesn’t quite feel right when you take a sip of the water on your bedside table. When you swallow you can feel mucus moving around in your throat, and your head doesn’t hurt but it doesn’t not hurt either.
You’re sore, but from what? It can’t be the lackluster effort you’ve been putting forth at the gym. Your nose, once clear and uninhibited, is more clogged up than the New Jersey turnpike on a holiday weekend.
You can smell it when you fart. This is a different kind of fart than you’re used to. It just smells like sickness. Your body, for all intents and purposes is off. You’re sick, but not sick enough to call out of work for the day.
And so you go and you suffer. You sniffle through meetings and while completing menial tasks at your desk, getting side-eyes from mothers who don’t want to catch whatever it is you’ve got and bring it home to their kids.
Your office doesn’t just have Kleenex lying around; after all, they’re running a business here not a fucking daycare center. So you use the 1-ply toilet paper from the bathroom that smells like someone just died inside of it to blow your nose, leaving the space between your upper lip and nose holes red, irritated, and sore.
And then a lightbulb goes off in your head. All of this coffee you’re drinking, the tea you took one sip of then threw away, that soup you went and bought from the grocery store a la carte section — none of this stuff is making you feel better. But DayQuil probably more than likely will.
DayQuil is to office workers what cocaine and vodka was to Lindsay Lohan in the mid 2000s. It keeps you going. It’ll bring you back from the brink of despair like nothing else in this world. DayQuil is liquid gold, a way to get your body to a point where, at the very least, you can appear like your head isn’t going to explode and you haven’t been in and out of the bathroom with diarrhea all day.
I used to get really upset when I’d come down with that first head cold of the winter. It always hits right around this time, too. November is here, and with that comes cooler temps, biting winds, and overcast skies.
Nowadays I know I’m going to get a mild head cold at some point and I’ve just accepted it. I wouldn’t say I enjoy when I have to go to the store to buy a few liters of DayQuil, but I’m not mad about it either.
I rock that first head cold like a badge of honor. We should just be carrying a holster around on our chinos for the DayQuil like we’re at the O.K. Corral, ripping shots while we’re shooting the shit at someone’s desk or lining up a row of them for the squad in the break room. I’m Doc Holliday (the badass Val Kilmer version) just knocking on death’s door but still going out and battling.
See how much fun I’m making this? When you really think about, getting a cold is actually fun. DayQuil rules, and so does your 9 to 5. Let’s have a day..
Image via YouTube