Chubby Fairweather Royals Fan With Ridiculous Standards Wants Someone To Take Her To The ALCS

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I don’t even know where to start here. Here we have the case of a woman who wants to go to the American League Championship Series in Kansas City, and my god, does she sound like the worst person in the world. Here’s the ad, in all its glorious stupidity:

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So, she’s looking for a chubby chaser. I get it. Those guys exist. The idea is good, but the execution is lacking. Here’s my issue with this whole deal. It’s not that she’s 5’3 and a size 16. It’s this little line right here:

In addition to being a Royals fan, I usually root for the Red Sox. I enjoy rum, sweet white wines, tropical vacations, and people who aren’t stupid.

well, there it is. the stupidest f+ucking thing i'll read all day.

So, you want someone to take you to the most important baseball game in Kansas City since 1985, but since the Royals weren’t good for most of your life, you decided to become a Red Sox fan. This reeks of “Well, I didn’t really care about the Royals until they were good so now I need a really good selfie of my chins to post on Instagram so I can finally crack the 10-like mark.” GTFO with that nonsense. If you can’t afford a ticket or don’t have someone who’s a good enough friend to take you to the game, then you’re just shit out of luck.

Also, you like rum, sweet white wines and tropical vacations? I have a theory about people whose favorite hard liquor is rum. That theory is that they’re insane. Same goes for people who like moscato wine, except even more so.

So here’s to you, lady. I’m glad you spent the last 10 years “rooting” for the Red Sox and now that your hometown team is good, you’re expecting some “well hung” dude to pick up the tab. Please kindly take a walk on down Know-Your-Role Boulevard and shut your mouth.

Image via Instagram

[via Craigslist]

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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