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I’m not saying that Larry David’s daughter, Cazzie, owes her Instagram stardom to me, but I will say that she barely had any followers when I displayed how incredibly basic (not saying that’s a bad thing) her Instagram actually was. In between dating SNL‘s Pete Davidson and living everyone’s dream of being Larry David’s daughter, she’s now taken up writing for Vanity Fair.
Her second column, Cazzie David Is Here To Fix Your Instagram For You, is the perfect example of everyone on Instagram: they act like they don’t put any thought into it while still managing to put all the thought into it. I applaud her for admitting, “Yes, I do overthink my Instagrams and their captions.” And while she’s not claiming to be an expert, we’d be foolish not to break down her tips just to see how viable they are.
1. If you were to suddenly die, would the picture you’re about to upload be an embarrassing final post?
It’s 2016 and no one actually posts cringeworthy photos anymore. Well, unless you count 8-month anniversary photos taken by professionals or visibly FaceTuned selfies. But still, the most embarrassing thing you can possibly post is a photo that gets pretty much zero likes.
Should you follow her tips? Yes, but just make sure you delete your photos after five minutes if they still have zero likes to avoid being in this situation.
2. Don’t post too many pictures of your pets.
I follow enough dog accounts as it is, so I don’t need to see a half-assed photo of your dog followed by thirty Hail Mary hashtags hoping you become Instagram famous solely because you have a cute dog. Newsflash, Walter Kronkite: all dogs are cute. Do I want to see them all over my feed? Yes. But be conscious of just how annoying you are when posting photos of your cat or dog.
Should you follow her tip? Yes.
3. The “Hot-To-Funny” Ratio
She describes this as wanting “to have the perfect balance of hot and funny on your Instagram, but you never want too much of either,” so let me just say this: unless you’re making a living selling those teeth whiteners through your Instagram model account, don’t try to be sexy. A fire caption can catapult even the shittiest photos into double-tap range, so just be funny and watch the likes pile up.
Should you follow her tip? No, get over yourself.
4. Holiday, Birthday, and Death Instagrams
Cazzie explains that posting one of these photos shows appreciation for someone you love, and she’s right. But she also perfectly nails that you’re only posting these photos because you want an excuse to post a photo and collect some likes. We all know that you’re only posting a HBD photo of your best friend because that’s when you were in your last skinny phase. And if you’re posting a “Happy Father’s Day!” throwback when your dad doesn’t have the Instagram, it’s the most obvious reach for likes you can have.
Should you follow her tip? Yes.
5. Your Flow / Surrender To A Younger Power
This simply means, “Does your photo appear to be aesthetically in line with your other photos?” She uses Kim Kardashian as an example, and it’s probably the only time Kim Kardashian will be used as an example for something positive. Cazzie once had three consecutive photos with grass in them and her younger sister called her out claiming that her flow was fucked (my words, not hers). Do you need to have a consistent voice to your account? Of course. But do you need to delete or debate posting a dope photo just because there’s fucking grass in it? No.
Should you follow her tip? Nah.
Okay, Cazzie, you’re really mailing it in with these “tips” at this point. She explains that she tries to use six words or less like Hemingway, but Hemingway didn’t have Instagram so that comparison falls a little flat to me. While I don’t ever want to be clicking “read more” to see your entire caption, six words seems like a tough standard to meet. When you’re strapped for a caption, just use a Drake or Kanye lyric combined with your brunch or sunset. Day one stuff, really.
Should you follow her tip? No.
7. Is this too basic?
She says, “If it involves a trend so popular that you’ve already seen 20 of the same grams on your feed in the past month, it’s probably too basic to post.” While I agree that you shouldn’t post anything too trendy after the trend has come and gone, I don’t necessarily vibe with her thinking. Instagram is inherently basic, so posting something basic is completely acceptable as long as it’s current.
Should you follow her tip? Only if you’re ahead of the curve.
8. Use Boomerang wisely.
What she means is “never use Boomerang.” I’m not twisting her words, that’s literally how she ends this tip. My feelings on Boomerang can be summed up in one tweet:
You can get beyond your photo getting meh likes, but there’s a harsh reality when you post a video and it’s only been viewed less than 100 times. I’d be beside myself which is why I don’t even entertain trying to do it.
Should you follow her tip? It’s only acceptable to use if you have so many followers that there’s a ‘K’ next to your follower count.
9. Looking Candid
Listen. Instagrams don’t just grow on trees. Everyone knows you’re asking someone to take your photo before taking your phone back to review the photos and saying, “Sorry, but can you just take a few more?” Everyone knows that you desperately took photos trying to get the perfect one. As she explains, “Even if it took you 50 shots to get the perfect one, it’s important that no one knows about the humiliating scenario that was your 30-minute Instagram photoshoot.” Don’t post a photo in color and then post another similar photo in black and white minutes later. We’re not fucking idiots.
Should you follow her tip? Yes, but know that everyone still knows you’re an asshole. .
[via Vanity Fair]
Image via Cazzie David / Instagram