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I know people like to joke about moving to Canada with the country on the verge of a Trump presidency that may see us all go sexless for the next four years (maybe that’ll be just me), but be warned: Canada is not without their own dangers. Take for instance the recent trial of Etienne Saint-Pierre, a New Brunswick criminal mastermind who stole $18.7 million worth of maple syrup. Suffice to say, Saint-Pierre found himself in a bit of a sticky situation?
A New Brunswick man was found guilty Saturday of fraud and trafficking stolen goods in connection with a maple syrup heist in Quebec.
Etienne Saint-Pierre of Kedgwick was one of four men accused in relation to the theft of 9,500 barrels of maple syrup belonging to the Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers between August 2011 and July 2012 valued at $18.7 million. In August 2012, it was discovered that maple syrup in a St-Louis-de-Blandford, Que., warehouse had been replaced by water.
That’s some Thomas Crown Affair type shit. A true criminal genius that rivals only that guy from Despicable Me. You’d think if you’re stealing nearly $20M worth of maple syrup, you’d at least have a better plan than the same one you used back in high school when you stole your parents’ vodka. Topping the barrels off with water? This is just a failed version of when (SPOILER ALERT) Heisenberg stole all those chemicals from the train and replaced it with water, only that was undetectable, and this directly led to watery pancakes. He could have spent a few milly and replaced the Canadian pure stuff with Aunt Jemima and hoped people would have thought it was just an unseasonably bad year for maple syrup.
Listen, I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup. I love maple syrup! I love it on pancakes, I love it on pizza! I love to take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I’ve had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick? But if anyone can help me answer the question of where the hell this guy was going to store $20M worth of maple fucking syrup and what he was planning on doing with it, I’d love to be educated. Is there a black market for this stuff? Do Habs line the streets of Montreal at night buying stolen maple syrup from the street corners?
Canada is great, but if you’re thinking of moving there, maybe wait until they re-up their maple syrup supply. And if you’re trying to stay in the fifty nifty, I see a potential business opportunity: there will never be a better time to be from Vermont and own your own maple syrup conglomerate..
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