Can We Just Fast Forward To Christmas Already?

Can We Just Fast Forward To Christmas Already?

I woke up November 1st chasing the hair of the dog at a sunny outdoor brunch in 70 degree Georgia weather. That didn’t bother me at all. Halloween was over and I was more than ready to bring out the Mariah Carey Christmas album and start buying my daily Starbucks peppermint mocha. I called up my family and told them to start emailing me their Christmas lists and bought several pairs of tacky Christmas socks and, naturally, a mistletoe belt buckle.

Now, 2016’s holiday season is extra special, and for that reason, I am feeling extra festive. I don’t want to skip past all the excellent November football yet to be played, and I’m ready to binge on Thanksgiving dinner and holiday stouts until I gain back all the weight I lost for the summer, but the December holidays of Hanukkah, Christmas, and Festivus signify one thing — the end of 2016. It’s over. This disastrous, insane, shitshow of a year is finally over, and we can recuperate with our family and friends with food, alcohol, and presents. I am more than ready for the break.

Don’t get me wrong, Thanksgiving is great and college football rivalry weekend is going to be awesome, but I wouldn’t really notice if we skipped over Thanksgiving (as long as we get to keep the football) and moved on to the holiday season. Once it starts getting colder my meal plan will consist of daily Thanksgiving-style binge-fests. I want to Christmas shop for my friends and family. I want to listen to Christmas music. I want to get wrapped up in what should be, but regularly isn’t, the happiest time of year. I want to bombard my body with egg nog, holiday beers, peppermint-based everything (I’ve had my fill of pumpkin spice), Christmas candy, hot chocolate, and, naturally, corporate gifts. I can’t wait two more weeks. 2016 needs all the positivity it can get, and soon.

I don’t think there’s any reason to not get into the holiday season early. Sure, our mild fall and winter hasn’t exactly inspired the whole bundle up, drink hot chocolate, and watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” feel of the holiday season, but to each their own. I’m ready to put out the Christmas lights, leave candy canes on my neighbor’s doors, spending three months’ pay on Amazon, and browsing Target for hours on end. Bring on the Santa lines, ridiculously flamboyant Christmas lights, and two to three weeks off from work. Bring on the Christmas sales, so we can spend as much on ourselves as we do on our friends and family. And, of course, bring on the free time we have to spend getting drunk with everyone we care about.

Happy holidays, guys. Get a move on. Let’s bounce back from 2016 and head into 2017 with a more positive outlook. I think two months of egg nog, pie, carb-filled side dishes, holiday parties, and peppermint mochas should do the trick.

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"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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