Buzz McCallister: Department Manager


It’s been 21 years since we saw Buzz McCallister. Last we knew, Buzz was giving Peter McCallister (the faaaaather) Kevin’s room service bill for $967 dollars in the Presidential Suite of the New York Plaza Hotel. Well, little did you know that Buzz sure enough went off to college, got a job and worked his way up the corporate ladder like only Buzz McCallister would know how.

9:07am, Verticorp Chicago Offices

Tim: So, can we expect Buzz anytime soon?

Becky: He said 9am, on the button.

Eric: This is the third time this month he’s been late to his own meeting. I’m gonna say something to corporate if he does this again. I have work to do.

(Door busts open, Buzz McCallister enters, finishes can of Cherry Pepsi and throws it on the ground)

Buzz: Alright, sorry I’m late, buttheads. What do we have today?

Tim: Buzz, you called this meeting.

Buzz: I know, scuzzwad. That’s why we’re in the room. So, what do we have today?

Tim: Well, uh, Buzz. We uh, we uh…

Buzz: Uh, uh, uh…spit it out, fart nose! I don’t have all day. I’m a busy man. I’ve got a business lunch at 10:30 at Pizza Hut. I’m thinking about getting one of those Bigfoot pizzas they got going.

Eric: They literally haven’t made that pizza since 1993.

Buzz: Shut your hole, phlegm wad. If they don’t make that pizza anymore, I’ll make them eat it and then barf it back up.

(Buzz begins pretending like he’s gonna throw up)

Tim: Oh, Jesus. Not again, Buzz.

Buzz: Timbo! Get a plate! BLAAAHHHH!

Eric: Buzz, come on. We’re all busy today.

Buzz: Eric, I am going to feed you to my tarantula.

Becky: I guess I’ll start, since we’ve gotten nothing accomplished in the 10 minutes we’ve been in here. We all know the problems we’ve been having with the sales team lately, and with the way the market’s been acting, it looks like we might be in for a rough quarter, but we have to stay optimistic.

Buzz: Becky, is it true that stock broker babes don’t shave their pits?

Becky: I wouldn’t know, Buzz. I’ve been taking a look at some numbers and we’ve been told we have to make some cuts in several departments. The number of employees needing to be downsized per department is as follows: three from accounting, two from logistics, six from sales…

Buzz: (Speaking over Becky) 11, 48, 16, 92…

Becky: Buzz, don’t be a moron. Those cuts will need to be made by EOB on Friday.

Buzz: Anything else? I need to go reorganize the incredibly unstable shelves in my office that would likely crumple under the weight of a 7-year-old boy.

Eric: We also decided we needed another intern in logistics. Luckily, the cost will be minimal, and we can just pile on all of the projects that we lost from downsizing onto them. Buzz, I like that candidate we interviewed last Thursday. That kid was solid. I think I’ll give him a call tomorrow.

Buzz: Who, Jared? I wouldn’t hire that kid if he was growing out of my ass.

Eric: Oh, for Christ’s sake! I can’t work with this.

(Buzz begins playing air drums on the conference room table)

Buzz: (Singing in an Axl Rose voice) Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are prettaaay!

(Steve, the branch manager enters the room)

Steve: Guys, what the hell is going on in here?

(Everyone is silent)

Steve: Anyone?

Tim: Sir, Buzz is really holding up productivity. We’ve been in here for about 15 minutes and haven’t gotten anything done.

(Buzz makes throat slash gesture across the table towards Tim)

Eric: It’s true, sir. Most meetings are like this. Buzz’s conduct is completely immature and unprofessional.

Steve: Buzz, is this true?

Buzz: Sir, it is. I take full responsibility. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’d like to apologize to my coworkers for whatever displeasure I may have caused you. My conduct was immature and ill-timed. I’d like to especially apologize to you, Eric. Eric, I’m sorry.

Eric: Oh, give me a break. That was the worst excuse for an apology I’ve ever heard.

(A shouting match erupts in the room)

Buzz: Okay, everybody, calm down! Calm down! Hey, hey! (Buzz attempts to whistle, but it just sounds like a fart noise) All right, now, if Eric hadn’t have screwed up this meeting in the first place, then we wouldn’t be having this constructive discussion with a truck load of stuff to talk about. So I think it only fair that we fire Eric.

Steve: Buzz, are you really not that worried about how little your coworkers respect you?

Buzz: No, for three reasons: A, I’m not that lucky. Two, you need me here and D, we work for the most boring company in the whole United States of America, where nothing even remotely interesting will ever happen. Period.

Steve: Well, I think I’ve heard enough. Why don’t you go pack your things.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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