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The rise of social media has given us never before seen access to the fitness habits of couples who advertise such a thing. Times were much simpler back in the day. People either went the Schwarzenegger route and pumped iron, or rolled out in their neon tracksuits and ran around the block. No in-between.
Now, all it takes is one scroll through your Instagram feed to be subjected to a visually repulsive buffet of cringe-inducing romantic pairings.
The 5K Couple
Sample Instagram Post: “Sooo proud of this man for getting through his first (of many!) 5K! Now time to celebrate with a drink, or two 🙂 !!!”
Deep down both members of this couple just enjoy running the local “fun run” because it’s a way to personally justify slamming drinks and eating like shit for the next three weekends. They’ll tell their friends about it for awhile, but nothing overwhelming to the point where their friends are bruising their corneas from eye-rolls every time it comes up. Your buddy Jeff will nod during his girlfriend’s retelling and say “Oh yeah, it was really really fun” while declining to mention that he consistently told himself he was never doing a 5K again after the first mile.
The 5K pairing is the most common of all fit couples, as it only takes one member of the couple to have an interest in huffing and puffing for three miles to drag the other into doing it a couple times a year. This couple is a step-sibling to the pairing of a girl who runs regular 5K’s and the boyfriend who waits at the finish line drinking out of a flask.
The Marathon Couple
Sample Instagram Post: “Check Another One Off The Bucket List! #acouplethatrunstogetherstaystogether”
You see these guys trekking through the neighborhood decked out head-to-toe in sleek athletic wear and toting their golden retriever on a leash. Distance running isn’t a hobby for them; it’s a lifestyle. If they happen to meet up with you at happy hour for one Mich Ultra inevitably the phrase “You at least need to try a 5K, I’m telling you, you’ll get addicted.” At least one of them ran cross country in high school, and both of them can tell you who the last three Boston Marathon winners were.
The Crossfit Couple
Sample Instagram Post: “Put in WORK today @ HRD BDY C-FITT!! Shouts to my hubby for CRUSHING his previous record for burpees #sosweaty #hardworkpaysoff”
If you ever have to perform a rescue mission that involves swinging from a bar with your pinkie toe while holding a dumbbell with your tongue, this couple is your go-to call to help. On occasion, only one member of the couple will be head over heels infatuated with the lifestyle, but at that point will have become such a physical force that the no-as-enthralled partner will have no choice but to shrug and say “Yeah it’s really great.”
While you’ll tire of hearing and seeing them constantly discuss “Crossfit Games” and use their mention as an excuse to drop the Kenny Powers heater of a quote “I’m not trying to be the best at exercising” you’ll also notice that they’re both actually in really good shape. Every time they come out to the bar in form-fitting shirts you’ll wonder if Crossfit is really something you should take a look at. However, you’ll then watch one of their Instagram videos showing some complex move involving a barbell and a jump, and remember that you need to make sure your membership fee for your local gym posted in your account.
The Gym Selfie Couple
Sample Instagram Post: Backs and Biceps day w/ this fox @2fit2quitchickk40 #traintogetherstaytogether #fitcouple #swolemate #coupleswholift #mySTRONGERhalf #goals #endorphines #dreamteam #girlswholift #trust #allnatural
This couple hasn’t seen a carb in three years and hasn’t found a group of friends that can tolerate them in five. If you ever have to go over to their house for any reason you’ll likely trip over an empty carton of protein powder. They both work at the same nutrition store in a strip center, allowing them to rattle off fifteen different supplements they’re taking as a cover when someone correctly assumes they both use steroids.
Whenever they’re at the gym everyone knows to keep a wide berth. No one likes working out next to two people who smell like spray tan and look like they’re in the WWE, plus every grunt they let out during a set sounds like it came from a recording of bestiality porn. One of them might save your ass with a spot when you’re struggling with your last set, but both of them will then explain and demonstrate to you how you can increase your muscle mass by trying this new lift.
The Semi-Habitual Gym-Goer Couple
Sample Instagram Post: I think we ate everything on the brunch menu 🙂
This couple goes to the gym just enough to keep their physical status quo and still eat mostly whatever they want. This is you and all of your friends. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
Watching couples record each other lifting weights, while I’m at the gym, always makes me feel a little bit better about myself.
The borderline eating disorder, abusers of ADD medication, wears Lulu Lemon and bikes to work couple
The 250lb guy who has his 100lb girlfriend spot his bench knowing if he struggles, she can’t actually help.
Lifetime in DFW has the 250 insanely jacked guy and the fake blonde who wears inappropriate tops but everyone is afraid to look at her out of fear or the bro throwing you across the gym.
But they look anyway utilizing the perfect angle and at least 2 mirrors.
The only follow needed is Jordan Weichers.
My last relationship was a version of ‘The Marathon Couple’ (minus the social media humble brags). Found out soon enough that a common passion for exercise is a pretty weak foundation for a relationship if it doesn’t have much else to stand on.
Running isn’t fun if there isn’t a ball involved. Lifting weights alongside sweaty tattooed people isn’t fun. I’m thrilled I don’t spend any time around these type of people.
Find a fun hobby and exercise because you enjoy it. Strange concept, I know.
Having a case of the Mondays?
I think you’re not having fun running or sweating next to tattooed people because your athleisure isn’t up to par. Hop on Man Outfitters, cop some outdoor voices swag, use promo code socktoberfest, and before you know it you be besties with your local tattoo artist and running 5ks every weekend.