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I knew I was losing touch when I didn’t even know what Bumble BFF was. I haven’t been on a dating app for over a year now, and the world is probably better off for that. But I had always tossed around the idea with friends that someone should create an app where people can meet other people in a non-romantic setting. Whether it be after moving to a new city or because you just straight-up hate your friends, everyone should have the opportunity to find friendship outside of their normal routine.
Well, Bumble BFF is that opportunity, but only for women. Mashable describes it as:
Dating site Bumble — dubbed the “feminist Tinder” — is trying to change that with the launch of its new feature BumbleBFF, which enables you to find a friend, rather than a date, online.
Luckily for me, I have a mole in the female community who was more than willing to send me the most unbearable screenshots from the app with the sole intent of allowing me to break them down. I was delighted to find out that the biographies from these girls looking for friendship were exactly what I was looking for — the most basic biographies known to woman.
All of the following biographies (found in quotes) were screenshot and sent to me.
Kansas Native // goofy, creative, extra liberal (#bernie), super laid back, love me some Alamo Drafthouse, ppl call me the Lady with 1,000 Hobbies (jk literally nobody calls me that), looking for a casual friendship or a legit sewn-to-my-side-BFF (*Two Dancing Girls Emoji*) // ENFP
Girls like this are the reason that Thought Catalog gdes so many fucking posts on the Myers-Briggs personality test. I mean, you can’t call yourself “super laid back” yet still be on a friendship-finding app looking for a “sewn-to-my-side-bff” type of friendship. If you’re the laid back and goofy friend you claim to be, you’d have enough chill to have a group of girlfriends. Just sayin’.
(*Red Heart Emoji*) I love wine, dogs, and traveling! I’m half Asian (*Asian People Emoji*) Let’s do yoga and watch the bachelor.
Looks like I need to do a Things Girls Do After Graduation on The Bachelor, because…
Things Girls Do After Graduation: Buy A Dog
Things Girls Do After Graduation: Wanderlust
Things Girls Do After Graduation: Fitness Instructor
Next.
Extrovert when I have to be, but if I had to choose between going out with a group of friends or hanging out at a coffee shop I’ll always pick the coffee shop. I like to spend my time with my 2 beagles outdoors, gardening, eating tacos (It’s a problem), & enjoying this beautiful city!
You eat tacos? Oh my God, you’re so bad! This is the douchebag-taking-a-selfie-in-the-mirror version of a Bumble BFF profile. Who thinks it’s a good idea to look for friends when you’re literally telling them in your profile that you’re going to ditch them to go out so you can spend your time with a bunch of latte drinking dorks at a coffee shop instead? Just have a little self-awareness for me one time.
I love running, craft beer, dogs, and elephants. If you like Childish Gambino, we should be friends. Fluent in sarcasm.
This was tolerable until “fluent in sarcasm,” which is the Bumble BFF equivalent of someone on Tinder saying, “Willing to tell people we met outside of Tinder.” Everyone’s seen the joke and everyone’s swiping you to the left.
But furthermore, Childish Gambino is really the one recording artist you chose to define you as a person to a bunch of other girls? I get it, you didn’t want to say Coldplay and sound super basic, but Childish fucking Gambino?
Living in Austin and just enjoying life! I really want some more cool gfs to help me to do it too (*Dancing Girls Emoji*) I love exploring the outdoors and shopping but lets not forget happy hours, brunch, and going out (*Tropical Drink Emoji*). btw I have a sweet, fun bf, so if you have one t oo, double date (*Red Cheeks Emoji*).
There aren’t a ton of dealbreakers that I have in life, but one huge red flag is when a girl doesn’t have any other girl friends. So long story short, this girl’s boyfriend needs to run for the hills for the sole reason that she’s on this app.
But also, I feel like it’s a very rare type of Patagucci girl to put in her profile that she likes to go outdoors and shopping, because those are usually separate entities. I’m not saying it can’t be done, but truly outdoorsy girls aren’t normally hyping their shopping addiction.
married to my best friend, a fan of wine, good conversation, outdoors, traveling, fur babies, and music. fitness nerd, sports enthusiast and Washington native.
I respect that this girl decided to go all in on the lowercase letters, up until her home state, Washington. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that this might be the most miserable profile of them all, if for no other reason than that she states that she’s a fan of “fur babies” and is “married to her best friend.”
A girl starts dipping her toe into psycho status when she refers to her dogs or cats as her “children,” but calling them “fur babies” is just revolting. And the best friend she’s married to? This dude is probably looking for an exit plan before she asks him to get some flesh babies.
Yeah, “fur babies” didn’t sound as creepy until I referred to human children as “flesh babies,” did they? I’m done. .
Image via Unsplash
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
‘Fluent in sarcasm’ and ‘pizza is bae’ both need to die. I say this as someone who earned the nickname ‘Mr. Sarcasm’ in high school and as someone who eats pizza for dinner at least twice a week.
Ive noticed the girls who say “fluent in sarcasm” are the same ones who get pissy when you actually say something sarcastic to them.
Absolutely. Their thought process is ‘It’s charming when I’m a condescending douche to people, but people that return the favor are assholes.’
For every hot girl out there, there is a guy tired of her garbage.
Usually it’s her dad
And a lot don’t actually know what sarcasm is
I’d say at least a third of the guys’ profiles that I see on Bumble have something about “fluent in sarcasm” written in them. Automatic left swipe.
same here…but that’s also cause I’m bad at sarcasm and don’t need to spend all my time with them like “wait was he just serious?”
When two girls match on Bumble Bff which one uses the typical bumble opening line of “Hi” first?
They don’t use words, they communicate entirely with emojis.
It’s like trying to read hieroglyphics at this point
Well I mean it’s a standard greeting in the English language so…..? many women aren’t plagued by this incessant need to show people how clever they are, which men seem to suffer from, especially when they’re tedious try-hards.
P.s. Did Will’s gf just dump him? Or has he been spending more time with MRAs? What’s the deal with this sudden contempt for “basic” women? It’s getting embarrassing, especially since he’s about as basic as they come.
I like to right swipe people like the first girl just to tell them I don’t like them.
This is a guilty please of mine. Probably 99% of what I do on these dating apps anymore. Obviously no one is telling these people how terrible they are, and I feel like it’s my responsibility.
You are the hero we need, but not the one we deserve
Take a shot every time you see “brunch, wine, Netflix” in a profile. Yahtzee if Soul Cycle is in there.
Soul Cycle hurts like a bitch if some girl is trying to make me do that shit I’m running for the hills. They can take my basic card if they want…
It’s there for guys too. It’s one of those things where it seems like a great idea, and then I question who would be looking for a buddy on an app instead of getting drunk and arguing sports in a bar.
+1. I get why girls have trouble making friends, because *cat emoji*, but if a guy can’t make a friend by getting into an argument and/or having an entire conversation in movie quotes in a bar then there’s something wrong.
Guys on dating apps:
“Just looking to meet new people.”
“If you wanna know, just ask.”
“craft beer”
[insert picture of mirror selfie displaying abs/guns/muscles]
[insert picture of truck/motorbike/man toy]
[insert picture dressed in camo holding something dead]
[insert picture holding alcohol of some sort]
[insert picture holding fish that was caught]
Fish. WHAT. IS. WITH. THE. FISH. PICTURES!? Stop. Just stop. Stop it right now.
#basicbitch? Nope. #basicbastard
Every BumbleBFF girl be like:
1) LOVE Wine
2) LOVE The Bachelor
3) Need a girl squad!
4) Want a friend besides my bf/husband
5) Who’s down for yoga?
#TrueStory
Which is exactly why I had to leave Bumble BFF after trying it for one day. I don’t want to be friends with these girls.
The most terrible phrase uttered by mankind is “fluent in sarcasm”
A girl without her own group of friends is a HUGE red flag. They end up at hangouts when they have no business being there. The only plus is that a lot of the time they’re willing to be a sober driver just so they can tag along.
It sounds like you have no business dating women tbh.