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Unless you hate food or never cook for yourself, going to the grocery store is awesome. I’m not here to detail why, something that’s been well documented, because there are other important questions that need to be addressed here.
Specifically, grocery store etiquette. Much like navigating the highway, you can’t drive like a damn animal out there. One has to go about respecting the rules of the road, or that grocery store arena will turn on you like inmates on a convicted child molester.
Integrate seamlessly with the flow of traffic by learning who has the grocery store right of way. When shit gets claustrophobic in between aisles and someone needs to get by, know who to defer to. In order:
8. Teenagers
Because fuck teenagers. If you can run their cart off the road into the assorted cheeses, by all means do it. They’re just killing time there anyways.
7. Men
It’s in our nature to be courteous. Everyone says chivalry is dead, but when there’s a four-way Mexican standoff in the condiment aisle, every man needs to know his place and slide that cart aside in favor of parties deserving of more consideration. Age factors in here, too, as no man in his early-20s should be cutting off an elder statesmen, even if they just have a decade or so on you. Especially since with your luck that same guy will be interviewing you for a job next week.
6. Parents with Older Kids (Ages 8 to 12)
Younger kids may be a detriment to a shopper, but by the time they’re hovering around the decade mark it’s like shopping with a personal assistant. Mom or Dad rarely have to take a hand off the cart because their minions are grabbing shit off the shelves on command left and right. On my last trip I saw a mom direct her two children down the aisle like she was Peyton Manning stepping up to the line of scrimmage hollering out an audible. Sure you may witness one of their kids throwing a fit over not getting some Double Stuffed Oreos, but overall this parent is cruising through the place.
5. Women
This should be easy. Ladies first. Women deserve the utmost respect at all times, and this translates to the grocery store. Yeah, they’re getting to fly solo and not worrying about navigating with anyone else, but that’s no reason to try to hurry them out of your way after they take a little too long deciding on which brand of Olive Oil to buy.
4. Parents with Younger Kids (Ages 4 to 7)
They’re beyond the age where sitting in the cart is an option, so this poor bastard is trying to keep them reeled in. It’s like watching a cowboy try to chase down a wild calf while also trying to make a quick decision on which Campbell’s Chunky to pick up. Give this demo a wide berth and free reign to pass for your own sake; the last thing you need is some sugared up hell-beast running into your cart.
3. Senior Citizens
Should be common sense here, people. The thing about seniors is most of them are so patient, especially with the self-awareness of their lack of speed, that they’ll give you the option to pass. Don’t take it. Respect your elders at all times, because in a few decades you won’t want some asshole cutting you off as you peacefully push your cart full of semi-solid food.
2. Parents With Young Kids (Ages Birth to 3)
‘Twas truly a surreal experience the first time I entered the grocery store with my little one as I had instantly vaulted six spots up the food chain. Everyone was deferring to me. That awkward, “You go, I go?” quagmire by the breakfast sausage section turned into “Oh, he’s adorable, you go.” And as many compliments that I got about the little guy (The kid absolutely slays in the grocery store, he’s charming as hell), I knew why they were letting me by- I had a ticking time bomb in the front of my cart. One minute too long in that grocery store and I could have a full-blown tantrum on my hands. Better to let me pass and make sure that they don’t risk hearing a baby wail from across the store.
1. Angry Seniors On Carts
They sell a ton of things at my local grocery retailer. For my Texas readers, it’s an HEB Plus which is the tits to say the least. One thing they don’t seem to have for sale, however, is fucks to give. Which is fine, because these seniors wouldn’t be buying them anyways. They aren’t here to make friends or protect feelings. They’re here to load up this cart and get the hell out of dodge. The natural instinct for any shopper is to yield right away to this individual. That being said, they’re not waiting for your permission to go anyways. Just hitting the gas, powering through, and leaving you with a stare that says, “I lived through Korea, this grocery store ain’t shit.” .
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
How about the animals who don’t return their carts. Fucking savages.
Watched in disbelief as a dude the other day walked 4-5 spaces towards the store to stick his cart front wheels on the curb, instead of return it to the stall that was literally across the aisle from his car. Savages.
It’s a full fledged uprising out there.
“Hey! Rock star parking!” *sees cart in middle of spot, doesn’t get out to move it and instead finds only other open spot practically in a different zip code*
One of my biggest pet-peeves in life are people who enter through the automatic door labeled exit and vis-a-versa.
I do it all the time, but then again, I like to live dangerously.
Does it make you feel alive when you can’t throw the ball for Sperry?
Enter through the automatic door…..then stop, get out their list, organize their cart despite the fact they haven’t picked anything out yet, and cause general traffic mayhem.
Fat people in their Amigo scooters be like
My wife recently got hooked on Peapod. Not bad service, but A) I miss the yoga pants show at the grocery store, and B) it came with the sad realization that we can chose the 8-10PM time slot on Friday nights because we’re never out at that time. (In our defense we have a 3y/o)
I couldn’t use this “Peapod” out of principle, what a terrible name for a company — it’s something I’d expect for a daycare.
A lot of my go workers enjoy going to the grocery store next to campus (I live in a major college town) because of all the college girls that shop there. I cant stand that place, too many people who cant follow what Crash say. Parking lot etiquette is a completely different bag of worms.
I’m all about that grab a basket and weave through traffic, fuck carts.
Man (or woman) on a mission deserves to be mentioned here. If a person has a list, a basket, and determination, stay out of the way.
I’m cart or nothing boys. When daddy walks into that store he means business. A basket can’t hold what The Rock is cooking.
Keeping the basket. PGPM.
I am all about that basket life. Walking around the grocery store with my over packed basket is one of the better workouts I get each week…
Baskets work great right up until I need a 12-pack of La Croix, Arnold Palmers, or Miller Lite.
I get my seltzies shipped from Amazon.
That is where I get my 30lb bag of dog food. Sure the delivery guy might hate me, but I think I more than make up for it with silent head nod thank yous
That’s….brilliant.
Some of the new Kroger’s have aisles that run perpendicular to each other and other sections laid out like a freaking village marketplace. Makes it real hard to mindlessly and efficiently weave up and down the parallel aisles dropping stuff in the cart with the enthusiasm of a DMV associate.
HEB Plus is the Mecca of grocery stores
Grocery shopping gives me such anxiety. I consider myself a pretty level headed guy, even apathetic towards most situations. But grocery shopping is a cut-throat activity that makes my blood boil. I’m not shopping after 10am or before 9pm under any circumstances.
I picture hell as a grocery store full of people who just careen in and out of different aisles without looking. Also groups of people that walk 2-3 wide in the slowest fashion possible.
Part B of this reminds me on the public high school I went to, with a more Urban demographic.
Don’t meddle at the meat case. Analyze the selection from around 5-10 feet away (any one worth half a shit can understand what cuts are where by their rough shape), decide which one you want, and dive in to make your pick.
Nothing pisses me off more than someone riding the rail of the meat case and blocking off everyone else that wants to access it.