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If there’s one thing all dogs owners have if common, it’s thinking that their dog is the cutest dog. That’s just how it works. Just like being in a relationship, you can accept that other bitches are great in passing, and maybe even more attractive by societal standards. But it doesn’t matter because yours? Is better than all of them. Even though they have a weird, chewed off ear and smell like death sometimes. I imagine it’s similar to having children and thinking your own offspring are the greatest even if they’re actually ugly little gremlins.
Another thing about dogs owners is that they use literally any excuse to prove to people that their dogs are actually the cutest dogs, thank you very much. And me? I’m no exception. So when a tweet from one of those annoying bot accounts that makes your own account look pitiful asked people to show a picture of their dog as a puppy and then a full grown monster, well, I couldn’t resist.
And I couldn’t resist embedding it in here to prove, yet again, that I have the cutest dog. Or so I thought (bum bum bum). You see, after tweeting these pictures, my dear pup, Lula, got a lot of traction. I mean, considering that it’s a blurry picture of her as a puppy, it didn’t deserve 1.4k likes. Still, it was strange that she would merrit a good tweet for me. I figured it was because she actually is the cutest dog in the world and left it at that. FInally, the world was figuring out what I had known for the past year and a half.
And then the mentions started rolling in.
It quickly became apparent that people weren’t liking and retweeting the pictures of Lula because she was cute. They were doing it because she looks like every other fucking dog in the world. Sure, I’d seen the occasional other black dog with a tuxedo print around. Hell, my friend has a dog that is the spitting image of my own. I sincerely couldn’t tell her dog from mine, which probably says something bad about my future parenting skills. But still, I thought it was some sort of weird, Parent Trap situation. I figured we’d do a DNA test and it would turn out that the pups were actually long lost twins and also I would have a british accent.
But no. It turns out, my dog doesn’t have a long lost twin. She’s just the most basic dog of 2017. I’m not sure how this weird, lab-mix breed got started, but they’re officially like weeds. The Walmart of dogs, if you will. Don’t believe me? Here’s a very small sample portion of some of the tweets sent to me. Picture after picture of solid proof that my dog might not be the cutest dog in the world. She’s just one of a zillion cutest dogs in the world.
(Feel free to skip to the bottom if you don’t want to look at like, 30 dog pictures. And all the mentions? Those are OTHER people with the SAME dog.)
It’s easily the biggest conspiracy theory since Beyoncé was “born.” What does it mean? Did we all just go to our local shelters and get the cheapest puppy possible? Is this dog going to put the mom and pup breeders out of business? Are they going to take over and replace the Golden Retriever as the most white suburbs family dog? Whatever the reason, it’s pretty fair to say that those of us with this odd black mix breed know something that everyone else doesn’t. That sometimes, you don’t have to go to the fancy mom and pop* shops to pay more for something that sounds a little better but is actually way shittier. Sometimes hitting up Walmart and paying less for a better product is actually the move. Besides, if you can’t brag that you rescued a mutt, what’s even the point of getting a dog?.
*People should actually go to mom and pop shops. I’m not like, *supporting* Walmart. Unless of course whatever you’re looking for at Walmart is way cheaper and you already can’t afford to pay for the gym membership you don’t use. Then yeah. Whatever. Go to Walmart. It’s fine. Just don’t talk about it.