Being Labeled A Homewrecker Is Not Your Fault

Being Labeled A Homewrecker Is Not Your Fault

In case you haven’t already gathered from my previous columns, my dating/sex life has been a pretty messy ordeal.

I’ve been told I have a penchant for “double dicking,” a term my friend made up when I told him I was hooking up with two of my coworkers mere weeks after my decision to hook up with two sorority sisters had blown up in my face.

I’ve also been told I “get off on drama,” “I’m going to get shot one day,” and of course, that I’m a “homewrecker.” While I think the title seems a little excessive, considering I don’t know any girls that are married (let alone own a home), I can’t deny that I have, in the past, got with girls that were in relationships. I’ve hooked up (gotten a dry handjob) with a girl in high school whilst she was wearing the promise ring her boyfriend got her. My longest relationship to date was with a girl who had a boyfriend for four months while we were casually banging, and even earlier this year I took home a girl who’s fiancée would not be happy about our actions. And I don’t feel like I did anything wrong.

Now, before you jump down my throat, I want to clarify my point of view. First of all, I agree that cheating is bad. It’s a deplorable act that ruins relationships, and I don’t condone it at all. Secondly, I have never gone out of my way to intentionally hook up with a girl who I knew was in a relationship. However, if the opportunity for sex arises with someone who has a boyfriend, I have no qualms about doing so because it is not my job to care.

I’m not responsible for other people’s shitty actions. I have enough on my plate trying to keep myself in line, and frankly, I don’t have the energy or the level of caring to police other peoples’ relationships. If a girl I think is attractive makes a move on me, I’m not going to sit down with a pen and paper and figure out if me hooking up with her would hurt someone who I don’t know or care about. This may seem selfish, but I think everyone’s selfish if they’re honest with themselves about it.

There are over eight billion people in this world, and I care about the feelings and well-being of about a hundred of them. I have never and would never lay a finger on (or in) anyone that my friend is dating/talking to/hooking up with, but why should it be on me to watch out for the relationship of some guy I don’t know?

The truth is, everyone hates “the homewrecker” because it is a lot easier to hate that person than to hate the person that actually betrayed you. Your partner is the one you should be focusing all your anger on because they’re the one that actually ruined the relationship, not the random person they hooked up with.

Cheating is an act of betrayal, an act of weakness, and an act of apathy. Being the person that was cheated with is just an act of sex. Everyone that has been cheated on that blames the “other guy/girl” is just in denial about the truth – that your relationship is broken and that the person you most cared about does not feel the same way about you. That other person didn’t convince your partner to cheat on you with mind control, or hypnosis, or even slick words. Your partner made the conscious decision to cheat on you, whether it was aided by alcohol or not, and that person just capitalized on their decision.

Don’t get me wrong, I do feel bad for the guys being cheated on. I’ve been through it, and I know how bad it sucks. But I’m not the person causing the cheating. If a girl would throw her relationship away to hook up with a random guy, me saying no wouldn’t stop that. Once the relationship is broken to the point where cheating is an option, it won’t be fixed by one potential cheatee’s rejection. They’ll just go find someone else.

I have never been the first person a girl has cheated on her boyfriend with, and likely I was never the last. I’ve shared this view with people, and many of them have accused me of being a selfish asshole. They may be right, but I think everyone is a selfish asshole sometimes. What if the person you cheated with ends up being the person for you? I know everyone says “once a cheater, always a cheater,” but in my experience that isn’t always true.

There are people that cheat because of their own issues, and there are those who cheat because of a specific relationship’s issues. If I had never been a “homewrecker,” I wouldn’t have dated my college girlfriend for close to three years. Obviously, she wasn’t the girl I ended up with, but it wasn’t because of any infidelity in our relationship, and I have no regrets of the time we spent together.

The truth is, when it comes to relationships, you have to be selfish. No one out there is passing up on someone they think could be something special because “she would be better with someone else.” Relationships are messy business. Sometimes they start out with a perfect date, but just as often they start out with a dance floor makeout, a chance encounter, or even in the wreckage of a former relationship. It may not be pretty, or even morally right, but it happens. I’m not advocating that everyone get up right now and aggressively pursue someone in a relationship. That’s a dick move and you’ll most likely look like a creeper. But if there is a situation where you end up being “the other person,” don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s not your fault.

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Nick Arcadia

The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice:

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