Be Very Happy That You Aren’t At Ja Rule’s “Fyre Festival” Right Now

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Music festivals can be eye opening, life changing experiences. Three or four days in a place like Rothbury, Michigan or Indio, California might very well give you a new perspective on things. But they can also be incredibly overrated, which has been my experience when attending pretty much any festival.

The festy life just isn’t for me. I can’t do the camping or eating grilled cheese sandwiches for three days. The fact that one usually has to pay to take a shower on the festival grounds is laughable. And let’s not forget about the thousands of people you’re surrounded by, all varying in intelligence levels who are more than likely hopped up on drugs a hell of a lot stronger than just weed.

I don’t have any problem with music festivals, but they just aren’t for me. I’m good with one day tops and then I’m all tuckered out. And if you tend to agree with my opinion that festivals like the one I just described aren’t really your cup of tea, then let me give you a peek into “Fyre Festival,” a two-weekend music extravaganza being held in the Bahamas and organized by Ja Rule’s media company Fyre. Bella Hadid shot a beautiful promotional video with all of her model friends dancing on the beach for Fyre Fest ’17.

Blink-182, Major Lazer, Disclosure, Lil’ Yachty, and Rae Sremmurd are just a few of the names that are set to perform. There have been conflicting reports on how much a weekend pass for the event costs. I’ve read that tickets for the weekend ranged from $1,000 to $12,000 dollars per person, but I’ve also seen some websites reporting that tickets started at $4,000 per person and went all the way up to $250,000 for a VIP package split between 12 people. Whatever the case may be, the tickets are expensive. And for that kind of cash, you’d expect to be living lavish for the weekend, right? Right? Not so much.

The first day of the festival is today, and let’s just say that things have not been going swimmingly for patrons of Fyre Fest. People are calling it ‘Rich Kids of Instagram meets Hunger Games’ and they aren’t that far off. It is complete and utter chaos in the Bahamas right now and Twitter is having a field day.

The “rustic, tented spaces” that Fyre Festival promised? Yeah, those actually turned out to be disaster relief tents. The food looks like one of those Twitter pictures where the caption reads “bone apple tea” in jest. And one bathroom at the main stage where Blink-182 was supposed to go on? I guess Fyre Festival officials were just expecting people to hold it?

Look, I’m not going to say “I told you so.” But come on. COME ON.

A music festival put on by Ja Rule with Blink-182 as the main headliner of the entire event? What year is it? I like Blink-182 just as much as the next guy, but I wouldn’t pay more than like one hundred dollars to see them live. I’m actually kind of hoping Ja Rule gets away with this little scam. I’m sure there will be a very apologetic press release in the coming hours but I really want Ja Rule to explicitly tell people that there will be no refunds. Like, sorry guys, I know I stranded you out on an island with shitty food, tents from an old FEMA relief site, and no plumbing, but just stick it out for a little while longer.

As of now, all flights to the island from Miami are now cancelled, and planes are running “rescue missions” to get the people who are still stranded at the festival. None of the scheduled acts are on the island yet and I’m sure there will be a ton of lawsuits in the coming days. Fyre Festival: come for the slices of untoasted bread with cheese and salad with no dressing, stay to fight for your life with other shithead millennials!

[via The Fader]

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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