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“Hey Bernie, did you remember your dickfer?”
“No, what’s a dickfer?”
“It’s for pissing!”
The earliest dick joke I can remember. My uncle Rick always has a joke. On this particular occasion, I was probably around 10 years old, working slave labor for $3 an hour putting grills together and stocking shelves. I grew up working in my family’s hardware store and if you weren’t quick on your feet, you’d get bamboozled or be the butt of a joke because that’s how it is.
To this day, I love shit jokes, fart jokes, socially inappropriate jokes, you name it, I love it. It might not be the most highbrow genre or even a genre a 30-something should be proud of, but whatever, that’s how I got my start with here. In no way did I think that it’d ever be published, nor that I would still be here after three years. Sometimes, I reread that article to remember where I came from if I’m ever taking things too seriously.
I judge people I meet by their reaction to shitty (pun intended) situations. When I meet new people or someone brings a new face into the group of people I hang out with, I fuck with them and talk about instances in my life like the time I had diarrhea in front of a family ice fishing. The story itself, in my opinion, is highly entertaining and self-deprecating but also acts an initiation of sorts. My friend group often rolls their eyes as they could tell the story like they were there, but it’s a highly effective way to weed out people. The bottom line is I don’t want to be friends with people that are too high and mighty to enjoy what my mom calls “bathroom humor”.
Bathroom humor is hilarious because it’s something everyone can relate to. At some point or another, everyone has had a terrible experience with their bowels while some of us, it is an unfortunate part of life. We can all commiserate together as it lets people know you’re not alone when you’re going round third and you feel a squishy turd. It can happen to anyone and anywhere, just ask George Brett.
Mozart wrote a song called “Leck mic him Arsch” which you can use your imagination what that means. Our kid Geoffrey Chaucer wrote about it in The Canterbury Tales. No matter who you are or where you’re from, people enjoy and will continue to enjoy off-color humor.
It’s not just in literature, pop culture or music. There are some great idioms like, “Shit or get off the pot,” “it’s better to be pissed off than pissed on,” “I can’t even shit in peace.” It is a staple of society that has credence being tried and true colloquialisms; the language of the people. One of our greatest Founding Fathers, Benjamin Franklin, wasn’t allowed to write the Declaration of Independence because the dude’s bathroom humor (look this shit up) was off the hook.
Mostly, I love the universal appeal. If you go to some remote tribe in New Guinea and rip a giant fart, you can bet your bottom dollar those dudes with sticks through their ears are going to laugh. When I was in college, my cousin scored a few Rangers tickets (the New York not the Texas variety). We took the Amtrak in from NJ and this rather large woman got on the train across from us. As she was sitting down, she ripped one that sounded like a whoopee cushion. I tried to contain my laughter but the harder I tried, the more I laughed to the point where the entire section of our car was crying. She got up and got off the train. While I feel bad about this, the fact that my friends and strangers alike came together to laugh at a loud body function illustrates to me the universal comedic nature of an untimely air biscuit.
Wherever you fall on the spectrum, know that our generation was tempered in the fires of bathroom humor thanks to cartoons like Ren and Stimpy. We brought the “shart” to mainstream. We defined who “Number Two worked for”. We found out that Bono weighs 80 Courics. Bathroom humor has been around since the dawn of time, but for me, I hate those uptight people who can’t enjoy a good, buttholesome joke..
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Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
@BLMInvestment
I was recently on a trip with family and family friends. The family friends have two boys age 4 and 6. At one point, someone was speaking and said the name “duty.” Three people in the room giggled: the two boys and me.
Duty is a name?
That should say “word” instead of name. I considered replying to myself to clarify that up, but wanted to see what kind of responses I’d get.
But that edit button sure would be useful…
I’m glad you all like bathroom humor! I’ve been taking a huge dump for the past 18 hours since my you know what resembles an oil spill – too many BEEF BURRITOS last night it’s like a waterfall down there – A BROWN WATERFALL OF MOIST BEEF! I put cows to shame.
You doin ok, man?
This guy is a poet!
“you know what resembles and oil spill” and my mind went to “vagina…?” before I read on. I was really confused.
#poop
I responded to this from the shitter
dammit Madoff why you gotta bait that poop joke commenter like this
I’m still waiting for my follow back. Who is the poop joke commenter?
Followed! I think they’ve used a few different usernames, Sebastian Reed was one of them
“Haha hey guys, speaking of poop and stuff, you know that huevos rancheros make you unleash in the toilet. On a deeper level, our galaxy looks like a fried egg and as soon as the blood shed of an intergalactic war happens, the galactic ranchero will force itself to be shit out As a white dwarf and then a black hole…kinda like an all consuming asshole” I did it for him lol
never mind, he replied to Bill
Went to the beach with my kids recently… my kids started drawing in the wet sand when we first got there. My daughter was trying to write her name, my son (slightly older) wrote “POOP” in big letters.
One weekend in college, I went to another school to visit a girl I had just started talking to. Got to her apartment and my stomach immediately started to churn. I, reluctantly, go to use her bathroom and proceed to STOP the fucking thing up. No plunger in sight. Perplexed at this point, I had to tell her that we needed to go to the store for a plunger because I clogged her toilet. Quite possibly the most awkward situation I’ve ever been in.
But did you close?
I wish I could tell you that clogging up a new-prospective-mate’s toilet is the optimal ice breaker leading to tons of the sex, but it wasn’t and I didn’t.
Just remember that diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
We have a separate group chat without the friends who think they’re too good for bathroom humor. It’s literally just called “Poo Pals *poop emoji*”
Miss Jackson living the life I want to live
I think the big question here is whether you utilized the hole in the ice or not. The mental image of a guy spread eagle across the floor of a ice fishing shack with his ass dangling above sub0 water is fantastic.
I didn’t. We were playing pond hockey and drinking beers. I had a few cups of coffee earlier. Combine that with greasy food+beer+exercise and you have a recipe for disaster. I had to run to the car and was going to try to make it home. That didn’t happen as I barely got my skates off. I pulled an empty beer box so it wasn’t in the parking lot.
As Mt. Vesuvius erupted, a family that was leaving ice fishing drove by. I couldn’t get my pants up in time and ended up shitting all in my pants to the point it looked like I sat in chocolate cake. I had an old towel that I used to clean my dogs after hiking that I had to basically floss my ass with and threw it in the woods along with the box. I then had to drive home ~20 mins like I was riding a bike up a mountain. It was really bad and this instance forever haunts me. Makes for a funny story though.
What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.
Anyone who comments a dirtier joke I’ll buy you lunch.
Just don’t be the guy that rips audible farts in public because you think it’s funny.
I am more refined than that (kind of). I will always laugh at farts though.
Of course laughing at the occurrence is acceptable. But we all know that one guy who wants to be the source of said topic.