Bachelor Parties Are Turning Into Fitness Retreats Because We’re All Incredibly Whipped

Bachelor Parties Are Turning Into Fitness Retreats Because We're All Incredibly Whipped

Bachelor parties, man. The promised land of your mid-twenties. The thing you pinch pennies for all year to ensure you can split bottle service when your rich friend doesn’t cover it. The event you tell your significant other, “Eh, I think it’ll be pretty tame,” well knowing that you’re going to have to have a pact with your friends that you’ll never speak of it again. Debaucherous, rowdy, and disorderly- it’s all wrapped into one weekend that you’ll cherish forever.

Or, at least, they used to be.

Turns out we’re all becoming beta males who would rather rock climb and bike ride as opposed to hitting New Orleans with the soul intention of seeing some hammers and drinking out of foot-long plastic tubes for an entire weekend. And while I respect a good chill situation that’ll leave you refreshed on Monday, it’s just something I don’t think anyone should get behind.

Atlantic News has described a trend where men are trading in strippers for skydiving and clubs for campfires. They interviewed the CEO of a Canadian events company who noted, “It’s often not just about partying in bars and drinking anymore. It’s turning into a full experience … More and more, bachelor parties are becoming an event. They want to do something that they’re going to remember — something unique and fun.”

Come on, man. I want to do things unique and fun that I can’t remember, dude. I’m sure skydiving and stunt car driving is sick and all, but I want to be too in the bag to even be considered capable of doing that. You only get so many times in your life after turning 23 where it’s completely acceptable to get as drunk as possible with your friends where you’re not bogged down by your fiancee, wife, or kids.

They also interviewed this newlywed turd who is definitely never getting invited to my bachelor party after the garbage he spewed.

“At the end of the day, I don’t live my life like a rap video,” said the 31-year-old man with a deep chuckle, adding that his friends planned his party. “(Strippers) don’t have any sort of appeal to me. I don’t see the entertainment in it and I don’t think it’s tasteful.”

Strippers don’t have any appeal to me either, man. But it’s a rite of passage to have two grinding on you while you try not to throw up your boilermaker while all of your buddies take videos that they’ll inevitably have to delete on their flight home for fear of their girlfriends or wives seeing them. No one ever wants to go to strip clubs, it’s just something you do when you’re fucked up with the boys.

I’m just going to act like this article is one big cover up for these guys being absolute maniacs when it comes to their bachelor parties. No one wants to live in a world where these things turn into yoga retreats and Iron Man competitions.

[via Atlantic News]

Image via Shutterstock

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram).

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