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We fucking did it, guys. We got through Paradise.
Episode Ten – Down
We lost almost all our good couples and had to get reintroduced to Robby. Not great.
Episode Eleven – Up
I always love the tell-all. Great stuff.
Robby – Down
I typed that he was down before I watched a second of his appearance. You know why? Because Robby is a douche.
It’s not just me who thinks that — it’s the entire cast. Did you see their reactions? Robby was like the college junior who shows up at a high school party.
Joe/Kendall – Up
Finally ripping into Kendall during the rose cocktail party was greatness. He stood up for himself like few do on this show. Joe had a top-three Paradise season. My guy called out Kendall for her bullshit then walked away with an explosion behind him like Iron Man.
I’ll admit that after Episode 10. I was fed the fuck up with Kendall and ready to see Joe with someone who valued him. Apparently, that person is Kendall. Whatever.
Kevin/Astrid – Up
Kevin freaked out when he heard fantasy suites, but seemed to rebound post-Paradise to fix things with Astrid. Personally my favorite couple of the show, so I was glad to see them reunited.
It was crushing to see my favorite couple on the show split up, and terrible to see Astrid on the unsuspecting receiving end of that. Girl had a really good showing so it was good to get those two reunited on the finale. Also, nothing but respect for this move:
— Astrid Loch (@astrid_loch) September 11, 2018
Cheers to the happy couple.
Hey from Canada 🇨🇦 pic.twitter.com/AYzMIAChwI
— Kevin Wendt (@kevin_c_wendt) September 12, 2018
Kamil “Mr. 60/40” – Down
So, this man shouldn’t be apologetic for not liking Annaliese, because she sucks. But he looked like shit on the finale. She called his ass out and wasn’t having his public dumping. Tough hang for my guy.
Cassandra – Stagnant
Meh. Barely remember her run on the show.
Chris/Krystal – Down
Krystal really wasn’t as bad (besides her taste in men) on Paradise.
But, Chris fucking sucks. The fucking worstttttt. Absolutely insufferable. This cheesedick was the worst person on Becca’s season and rode that wave of shitbaggery into being the worst person (non-Leo division) on Paradise. Who the fuck proposes in ripped white skinny jeans? Trash all around. GTFO, Chris.
Eric – Down
Is there anything less satisfying on this planet than screwing up with someone and having to admit to screwing up? Maybe the biggest loser of this finale.
Angela – Up
Is there anything more satisfying on this planet than hearing someone who screwed it up with you admit to screwing it up? Maybe the biggest winner of the finale.
Wait, yes, there is something more satisfying. It’s dating the upgrade version of the guy who screwed up:
Diggy – Down
My guy, you got taken out by Venmo John. Gone as quick as he arrived. Likely the last we see of him in Bachelor-world. The trumpeter in the cab home was the funniest producer-induced moment of the season though.
Olivia – Up
Olivia has the best damn hair on the show, and seemed to leave with her reputation still very intact. Wouldn’t hate to see her back next year.
New Zealand Jordan – Stagnant
He said maybe three words in the finale.
American Jordan/Jenna – Up
Jordan is dumb and super territorial, and it works. Invite me to that wedding, hombre.
Shushanna – Down
She looked about as excited to go on that date with Robby as most people are to get strapped down into the electric chair.
Annaliese – Crashed
Even Chris Harrison referenced how fucking desperate Annaliese was. Annaliese has 100% said, “This is the man I’m going to marry” about at least twenty-five men, usually after one bad date.
Venmo John – Up
Don’t get me wrong, Venmo John is the weirdest and nerdiest guy active right now in the Bachelor franchise.
However, holy shit, what a run for this guy. This is NC State “Survive & Advance” shit. This guy made it from Day 1 to the end, somehow surviving each rose ceremony and leading the season in makeouts. An inspiration to corny guys everywhere. Ended his run by friend-zoning Olivia, who is 100x out of his league.
Chris Harrison – Up
That blazer with the white tee v-neck, what a fucking fit. He should’ve been the next Bachelor.
Wells/Yuki – All The Way Up
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That’s a wra….finished. What an amazing season on @bachelorinparadise! Thanks for the words of wisdom and advice @chrisbharrison. Thanks for the laughs @jorgefromparadise. Thanks for always/never understanding me @poyo_ngy. But most importantly, thank you @theyearofelan for giving me a job, but moreover, thank you for being a wonderful friend. #bachelorinparadise
See you next season. .