Avoid Chicago’s Wrigleyville At All Costs

Avoid Chicago's Wrigleyville At All Costs

Bar crawls are a big thing here in Chicago. I feel like I see an advertisement online or a crumpled up loose leaf every single day for a bar crawl going on in my area. One of the biggest ones is called TBOX, which is held in early December in the neighborhood of Wrigleyville. I don’t know what TBOX stands for, but during this godforsaken event, people dress up in tacky Christmas themed outfits or those stupid suits that are all the rage right now. You can buy these suits for sixty dollars and they have Santa Claus or a snowman printed all over the jacket, pants, and tie. Congratulations on letting everyone know that, aside from this one outfit, you don’t own a real suit or even a sport jacket.

The guys that wear these suits are the same people that wear weed socks, or don one of those sea captain rope hats un-ironically. TBOX is a bar crawl that, of course, requires you to sign up and pay something like fifty dollars to get a wristband. You’re then expected to do a tour around the various bars in Wrigleyville’s neighborhood. I honestly think people get bussed in for this thing. The dregs of humanity line the streets during TBOX. The lines to get into any of the bars are BANANAS. Cops all over the place just begging people to stumble and trip so they can give them a ticket. The Wrigley McDonalds (which has become famous for the shit that goes down there during TBOX) getting absolutely destroyed all day by drunks. I’m too old for that shit. On Halloween, which fell on a Saturday this past year, I made the huge mistake of buying a ticket to a bar crawl in Wrigleyville. The lines? Atrocious, of course. Myself and five other people waited twenty-five minutes to get into one bar and bolted to a friend’s apartment party after two drinks.

But TBOX and the million other bar crawls hosted by Wrigleyville’s finest are not my only gripe with this particular part of town. No, no. It’s time for an airing of my grievances.

Wrigleyville, if you’re not familiar, is a cesspool located on the north side of Chicago. All walks of life flock there to hit Vines on Clark (a famous bar directly across from Wrigley Field) or head to Old Crow to line dance and listen to Florida Georgia Line and Sam Hunt. Rap/country songs and line dancing all in one bar? As Leonardo DiCaprio would say, “Great. Why don’t you just give me a bottle of scotch and a handgun to blow my fucking head off?”

If it’s even remotely warm out, there’s a 100% guarantee that you will see a group of drunk bros roaming the streets, absolutely stunned that there weren’t any girls at that sports bar they’ve been terrorizing for the better part of three hours. Wrigleyville attracts frat dudes that can’t get over the fact that they aren’t in college anymore like flies to shit. The only nice thing I can say about the neighborhood is that there are some really shitty dives there that will remind you of your generic college town that you spent four or five years in. It’ll also remind you why you left your college town after you graduated, too. On any given night in Wrigleyville, you’ll be greeted by vomit on every street corner, people fighting on sidewalks, and assholes from all over the Midwest who claim that the Cubs are “their team.” No, they’re not. You’re from Minnesota. Or Wisconsin. Or Michigan. Or anywhere, really.

Don’t pretend to know the agony of being a fucking Cubs fan because you moved to the city six months ago and you’ve been to a few games in the bleachers. Me personally? I hate baseball. Unwatchable sport. Yeah, I’ll admit going to Cubs game just to see the ivy and have a beer in the famous bleacher area, but the allure of it wears off for me rather quickly. Two, three innings tops and I become uninterested in a game of baseball, regardless of the circumstances or who is playing. If I had to choose, I’d rather be in Comerica Park watching the Tigers any day of the week rather than sitting in Wrigley Field. It’s dilapidated, it’s expensive, and last year on opening day people were pissing in empty beer cups because the lines to get into the bathrooms were averaging over an hour wait. Welcome to Chicago!

Hell, give me US Cellular Field on the Southside for a White Sox game over Wrigley Field. At least they don’t have wooden bleachers there. I get that Wrigley Field is a historic spot, but enough is enough.

I’m going to be a Chicago White Sox fan for as long as I live in Chicago because I hate Wrigleyville and also I just like being contrarian. Newer facilities, I love wearing the color black, and you can get a ticket for ten bucks on a random summer night if you feel like it. I’ll take that all day over some kid puking all over his shoes in the bleachers at Wrigley Field. Spring is right around the corner. If you’re visiting Chicago, avoid Wrigleyville at all costs.

Image via Shutterstock

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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