Kids, it’s about time we talked about cheating.
Raise your hand if you’ve been cheated on. Raise your other hand if you’ve cheated on someone. Now that you’ve got your hands in the air, wave ’em around like you just don’t care if you’ve been the other guy or girl, regardless of the knowledge that you’ve been either. Odds are, you look really fucking ridiculous right now at your desk, but I’m going somewhere with this, I swear to Dorn.
There are very few things that compare to the hurt of finding out you’re being cheated on, or have been cheated on. One of those is looking your partner in the eyes when they find out; making the person you love, or claim to love, cry tears of unfathomable sorrow. I’ve seen it. I’ve done it. Both are haunting. As a society, we love to see the cheater punished. Brought to justice. It’s all over the internet: Just type “cheaters getting caught” into Google and you’ll find thousands upon thousands of garbage clickbait websites recycling the same fifty examples of people exposing their spouses of cheating, or bystanders tipping off strangers, trying to play the good samaritan.
Then, of course, we get this Ashley Madison hacking scandal. It’s all over the internet, people discovering that their spouses had Ashley Madison accounts, destroying lives, homes and tearing families asunder. We’ve even had three suicides as a result of the hack. That’s right, three people, one of whom was a fucking police captain, KILLED THEMSELVES rather than face the consequences of their cheating, all because some fucking assholes decided they disagreed with this website’s existence/mission, and instead of punishing the people who MADE the site, leaked the information of innocent people. Does that sound fair to you?
However, we’re not talking about hacking right now, or privacy, or web security. And there’s a way that this whole mess could have been avoided; in fact, there’s a way to end cheating forever. It’s simple. It’s all about going up to your partner, sitting them down, and saying to them matter-of-factly and to the point: I’m not satisfied by you anymore sexually.
The loss of sexual satisfaction in a monogamous relationship can come from any number of things. Loss of sex drive in one (or both) of the partners. Changing tastes. Sexual incompatibility. An innate desire for sex with more than one partner. Or that old standard: “I’m just not that into you.” The loss of attraction.
These are all 100% valid concerns in a healthy sexual relationship. After all, one of the keys to mental health is sexual health, and sexual satisfaction should be one of those things that everyone has. However, it’s not the same for every person on earth. Some people require little-to-no sex to get by; others need it every day. Some people need a foot shoved up their ass while they’re strapped to a car battery. To each their own. The onus is on you, then, to find someone you’re sexually compatible with and settle down with them, rather than end up with someone who doesn’t satisfy you. Doing that leaves you with two options: leave or cheat. Usually they pick the latter because it’s less messy…at first, anyway.
Now, here’s where things get tricky. Let’s talk about fetishes and polyamory.
People use the terms “kink” and “fetish” interchangeably. This is actually a difference I learned recently. A kink is more of a situation that takes place (a’la Bondage), whereas a fetish is actually a mental issue where one derives sexual satisfaction from something inherently non-sexual (a’la feet). A kink is usually temporary, a fetish is something a person has for life.
Say you’re a person with a die-hard foot fetish. Your husband/wife/spouse/life partner is absolutely repulsed by feet and want nothing to do with any of the trappings of a foot fetish. How will you ever be satisfied? Answer: You find it somewhere else. (Unless your fetish is completely illegal, immoral and/or dangerous, in which case, I don’t really know what to tell you, I’m not a doctor, but you might need to seek professional help.)
Polyamory is exactly what it sounds like, a non-monogamous relationship with more than one person. It’s proven that polyamory is actually a very real thing, and that people can feel strongly for more than one person, without loving the other person less. It’s natural; in fact, the concept of marriage and monogamy is what’s unnatural. Unfortunately, society doesn’t accept that, so people who feel polyamory for either or BOTH sexes (giggity) are cramming themselves into the institution of monogamy. A round peg in a square hole.
All of that seems like a mess. So…where does that leave us?
It’s actually really simple. If you’re not happy or satisfied in your relationship… talk to your partner.
Talk to them openly and honestly and tell them everything you’re feeling. Man/Woman the fuck up and be truthful with the person you claim to love.
If they really love you, they’ll understand. They’ll work with you on this. They’ll try to meet you halfway, or try to do things you like, or maybe even give you a “hall pass” to get your bullshit out of your system every once in a while. Andrei Kirilenko, arguably the greatest Russian Basketball player of all time, gets one freebie a year to have sex with someone who isn’t his wife. His hot, famous Russian popstar wife. If that’s not one of the healthiest relationships I’ve ever seen, I don’t know what is.
Maybe your partner will confess some latent repression of their own and express to you their very own sexual interests. Don’t assume you’re some kind of Cassanova, champ. Your guy or girl will no doubt want some things as well, and if you want them to be open with what you want, you gotta do the same. Vice versa, bitch.
Or, your partner will be obstinate and refuse and say that you’re a freak, or a sex addict, and that there’s something wrong with you. In that case, fuck ’em. Leave them. Fucking nuclear option. Scorched earth relationship. Blow it up, shut it down, dealbreaker, because this will not end well at all. It will end with resentment, fighting, and, yes, cheating. If they won’t support you, why should you support them for anything worth a damn?
Do I think Ashley Madison deserved to be hacked? I don’t have an opinion (other than that peoples’ privacy should be respected) because I don’t believe cheating should exist. Cheating can be eliminated with one, simple conversation. Cheating is stupid, dumb, hurtful and one of the worst things that you can do to another person, or can have done to you.
However, sexual health is incredibly important for one’s mental health, and repression is incredibly unhealthy and unsafe. So instead of having your screaming, crying wife throw all your shit out the window, in the street, or into a wood-chipper while you pathetically rent a singles condo and defrost hot dogs in the sink…talk to your significant other. Have a chat with your partner. Discuss all this and get it all out into the open.
Couldn’t hurt, right? .
Image via YouTube