======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Back on January 2, Coachella tweeted out their 2018 lineup. It was met with overall excitement by people whom I can only assume have never seen a music festival lineup before, considering every single one includes the exact same rotation of bands playing every time always and forever. Minus the small-font no-name bands that sound like failed Ron Popeil inventions, that is.
“Oh man… I really want to see Jackmaster, but they’re playing at the same time as Cherry Glazerr. SUCH A TOUGH DECISION! At least there’s no conflicts with the Needleholder show. Phew!”
Two of those names are real. One is fake. Can’t tell which one’s legit? Exactly.
The biggest shock in this year’s Coachella lineup is that somehow, some way, The Head and the Heart are not performing. Has First Aid Kit officially cucked them by stealing their role as acoustic, folky, harmonizing festival mainstay? It hard to say. Okay, that’s enough cynicism; here’s the official lineup.
Anger at the stagnant state of music festivals as a whole aside, it’s not a bad lineup. I’d fuck reeealll hard with Saturday; Fleet Foxes, alt-J, Queen Bey, BØRNS, MØ, whoever else has an “Ø” in their band name, and of course my mans Jackmaster comprise one solid day of festivaling. If I could care less about the Friday and Sunday tickets, maybe I’d consider going. Alas, I could not.
Leave it to artificial intelligence, though, to come up with its own Coachella lineup that would have me risking it all (job, relationship, funds, legacy, ability to procreate, etc.) for even just a 10% shot at winning a raffle ticket that had a 1-in-1,000,000 chance at earning me a half-day pass. Truly incredible.
You read that right: HOUSE OF THE GAVINS! They haven’t toured since 2011!!! Combine that with Fistopia, Man Mist, Bing the Bung, John Party x4, and Dave Dump McDan and you have arguably the best festival day ever conceived.
Saturday isn’t far behind, though! Not sure if you’ve heard of Horse Choir before, but it’s a literal choir of horses. So sick. You may know them from their hit song that contains the lyrics, “Hit me with that whip, now watch me neigh neigh.” Love love love Bushfuk and Gunkets, and Joey Bread’s pretty dope, too. Would be interesting to see how Joey would handle playing the same day as Mikki Rockets though, right? Given their history?
Sunday is a very chill vibes day, which makes sense given many people have to work the next day. The smooth jazz stylings of Here Comes the Death would complement the spoken word poetry/ska mashup of Billions of Mario super well I think, and Donut Shookworth’s one-man banjo show would bring down the house. I hear Bampis SHREDS, too (full disclosure: I’m a member of Bampis).
Robots need to just take over the world already so they can take my money..
Image via Wikimedia Commons