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Back on January 2, Coachella tweeted out their 2018 lineup. It was met with overall excitement by people whom I can only assume have never seen a music festival lineup before, considering every single one includes the exact same rotation of bands playing every time always and forever. Minus the small-font no-name bands that sound like failed Ron Popeil inventions, that is.
“Oh man… I really want to see Jackmaster, but they’re playing at the same time as Cherry Glazerr. SUCH A TOUGH DECISION! At least there’s no conflicts with the Needleholder show. Phew!”
Two of those names are real. One is fake. Can’t tell which one’s legit? Exactly.
The biggest shock in this year’s Coachella lineup is that somehow, some way, The Head and the Heart are not performing. Has First Aid Kit officially cucked them by stealing their role as acoustic, folky, harmonizing festival mainstay? It hard to say. Okay, that’s enough cynicism; here’s the official lineup.
Anger at the stagnant state of music festivals as a whole aside, it’s not a bad lineup. I’d fuck reeealll hard with Saturday; Fleet Foxes, alt-J, Queen Bey, BØRNS, MØ, whoever else has an “Ø” in their band name, and of course my mans Jackmaster comprise one solid day of festivaling. If I could care less about the Friday and Sunday tickets, maybe I’d consider going. Alas, I could not.
Leave it to artificial intelligence, though, to come up with its own Coachella lineup that would have me risking it all (job, relationship, funds, legacy, ability to procreate, etc.) for even just a 10% shot at winning a raffle ticket that had a 1-in-1,000,000 chance at earning me a half-day pass. Truly incredible.
You read that right: HOUSE OF THE GAVINS! They haven’t toured since 2011!!! Combine that with Fistopia, Man Mist, Bing the Bung, John Party x4, and Dave Dump McDan and you have arguably the best festival day ever conceived.
Saturday isn’t far behind, though! Not sure if you’ve heard of Horse Choir before, but it’s a literal choir of horses. So sick. You may know them from their hit song that contains the lyrics, “Hit me with that whip, now watch me neigh neigh.” Love love love Bushfuk and Gunkets, and Joey Bread’s pretty dope, too. Would be interesting to see how Joey would handle playing the same day as Mikki Rockets though, right? Given their history?
Sunday is a very chill vibes day, which makes sense given many people have to work the next day. The smooth jazz stylings of Here Comes the Death would complement the spoken word poetry/ska mashup of Billions of Mario super well I think, and Donut Shookworth’s one-man banjo show would bring down the house. I hear Bampis SHREDS, too (full disclosure: I’m a member of Bampis).
Robots need to just take over the world already so they can take my money..
[via Twitter/@botnikstudios]
Image via Wikimedia Commons
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Jared Borislow
Jared Borislow (@JaredBorislow) is a Senior Editor for Grandex Inc and the supreme leader of the Bone Zone.
@jaredborislow
@jaredborislow
Dammit J Bone. I thought this was serious.
I thought this was going to be a legitimate lineup that took into consideration what people really wanted to see and how much artists charge for performing, thus putting together the ultimate festival lineup that artificial intelligence can create.
But then I saw it was an article written by you.
If you’re not excited to see Backwanzus finally make an appearance on the masthead then I can’t really help you.
I’m bummed as well. Phish headlines that’s for true.
Lol Geoff Alibi is a great name to give the police
Jackmaster is actually really good.
Also a really good username for a commenter on pornhub
*furiously tries to change username*
Fistopia and Man Mist had a decent collaboration a while back. The music video really sets it apart, but you have to look around for it, not mainstream enough for YouTube.
Ow contributed a couple lines as well.
Man, Fistopia GOES.
I wouldnt drop anything to go to this
I bought a ticket this year, first time ever going…I thought the lineup was good but you just took a shit on it.
Nobody cares that you listen to non-mainstream bands. Go back to what works for your audience…… C’mon man!