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I remember the very first time I saw a penis. It’s a moment little girls dream about since the day they were born. I was scared, sure. But excited. Eager to see what the big (or little, depending on whether his size was relative to his lack of height) deal was. I wondered when it would be and I wished upon the stars that one day, a man would grace me with the honor of not only looking at, but also touching, his fleshy pork sword.
And then, a little over a month ago, my dream came true.
Kidding, obviously. But the point is, back in the day (insert: “When I was a kid…” here), seeing someone else’s genitals was a big deal. The first time? Huge. The second time? Also huge, because it was the first time with someone other than the person your first time was with. After that, person after person, year after year, we got desensitized and a penis became a penis, that’s all there is to it.
But before that? Every new moment, every new touch was exciting. I mean, come on. Remember the bases? Remember talking about them with your friends and wondering before an awkward date at the movie theater what you would round? How far you two would take it in the back row while the romantic glow of Juno lit your way?
Back then, back before sex happened on the first date and finding ways to keep things ~spicy~ was the norm, the choices, while far fewer, were much more exhilarating. Because back then? Making out in the back of the car was heaven and if a girl unbuckled your pants, you didn’t immediately think she was going to hop on top of you. Or maybe you did? I don’t know boy brain. Either way, those were the days when you’d be satisfied with a mere OTP rub, and getting a full-on handy was pretty fucking awesome.
Do me a favor though. Try to think: When was the last time you gave or received a handjob?
This is a rhetorical question. Please don’t answer in the comments. I really don’t want to know. The point is, as time has gone on, the handjob has become a thing of our past. But what I truly fear, is that while we no longer do “just hand stuff,” this shift in preferences has gone down the generational lines.
Back when we were in middle school, kissing someone was a big deal. If you did more than that, you were fucking wild. Now? From what I understand thanks to TV shows and from my slutty cousin’s Instagram, kids are skipping the “awkward around the opposite sex” stage and going straight to the real deal. Blowjobs are casual and anal is just something they do to pretend they’re still virgins. Seriously. Ask anyone from the south.
And while, from what I understand, handjobs aren’t exactly something anyone *wants,* much like having frozen yogurt instead of ice cream or a dry hand rubbing your dick instead of a mouth or genitals, it still has its place. It’s still something. It’s still a step on the path to sexuality that says “someone who isn’t me is getting me off. And while it’s not the best method, it’s still different than my own right hand.” It’s a rite of passage, dammit! And the thought of it completely going away makes me long for a simpler time. An easier time. A time before social media and middle schoolers who look older than us. A time when nudes were less accessible and getting a dirty picture was special, instead of just a casual Thursday on Snapchat. A time when sexually awakening adolescents would be thrilled to have a hand brush their penises instead of just waiting for what comes next. Instead of just assuming that that hand was foreplay.
I mean, isn’t that the whole point of vintage shit? There are newer, better, more fun options, but you go back to the old stuff because that’s just what we do. So, what do you say? Let’s all grab some lotion and go to town on a dick tonight. Because it might be the froyo of the sex world, but there’s something to be said for an act that pretty much sucks but doesn’t completely blow..
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
Best handjob tip: use your mouth
Best blowjob tip: use your hands
^ Everything that needs to be said on this topic is found right there.
I wish everyone ever read this.
Hahaha so spot on!
A handjob is like complimentary bread at a restaurant. There’s nothing wrong with it unless that’s all you get.
I think some of the point is that back when we were all virgins we didn’t know about the meal after the bread and what we were missing out on. It’s easy to say that now but back in the day that was the dream.
You know what you can’t get from a handjob? Pregnant.
Good selling point. Time to glaze some knuckles
I can’t stop laughing at “glaze some knuckles.” I am cracking up
I feel like you should be in the Columbus PGP groupme… find the Reddit thread
Spray some knuckle babies all over a towel and then have it crusty and unusable for the remainder of time no matter now many times you wash it and quarantine it. Holy shit, people are a contagious virus. Run. Everybody run!
“Oh, an old fashion “ -Randy Marsh
I’m gonna go to sleep now, forget the cooking show
To continue, please say “crème fraîche”
I️’ve been on a dry spell lately (and I mean DRY. Welcome to being 28) so I’ll take anything this at this point. Yeah, we can do it WAY better ourselves (gotta get the demons out somehow), but I’m certainly not picky when when it comes to receiving. Kinda weird if you finish from a handy though…
Same man……
You go from unplanned pregnancies to hand jibbers. Are you having second thoughts?
You caught me.
I had two friends in college have a handjob competition. They tried to see who could get the most in a semester, the kicker was you couldn’t do anything other then a handjob.
What was the winning number?
I need to know the results here. Hopefully the winner just says “scoreboard” to the loser whenever they see each other these days.
it was five, but also you couldn’t count a girl more then once.
Lmao, got my first blowjob in the back corner of the theater during Juno.
Not if you’re a celebrity doing it in front of an actress
Said it before, I’ll say it again — the HJ, like the mid-range jumpshot, is a lost art that we need to recover before it’s too late
If you can’t consistently knock down the mid range jumper you can’t hoop