The Scaries love company. Being alone with your thoughts is quite possibly the worst thing you can do while trudging through an anxiety-riddled Sunday. You’re sweating, you don’t know if your friends still like you, and you’re praying your credit card is in the crumpled pair of pants (or pocketed dress, ladies) on your bedroom floor. I get it.
But that’s where our relationship comes in. You’re going to be less Scared if those around you are equally as Scared, therefore a support group needed to be formed. And this is where you apply.
Please address your applications to firstname.lastname@example.org. Ensure the subject of your email reads, “Sunday Scaries Support Group Application” and the best answers will be compiled. Please keep answers concise as possible while still being as entertaining as possible. No one with a hangover likes when people are over-the-top, and reading long paragraphs with a vodka-induced headache is out of the question.
Please Note: All submissions will remain anonymous.
How old are you?
21-and-under need not apply because you simply don’t contract a recurring case of The Sunday Scaries until after the age of 22 when you truly learn that life does not, in fact, get any better.
What do you do for a living?
If you’re working Sundays, crumple up your application and throw it in the trash because this relationship isn’t going to work out. I need your full attention at all times. Unless we simultaneously fall asleep while watching Master of None, that is.
What is your Instagram handle?
First and foremost, aesthetic is everything. If you can’t properly filter a photo and get an un-embarrassing amount of likes, your services will not be needed. The best Sunday or brunch-inspired Instagrams will be used not only to determine your worthiness but to embed in the ‘best answers’ column.
Please describe your aesthetic within your answer and include a link to your handle.
How did you spend your weekend?
Yes, I know you were at bars that you probably don’t remember. But what kind of bars? There’s a wide gap between buying $8 pitchers of Molson and using your dad’s American Express to buy bottles with sparklers attached to it served to you by girls who look like they’ll be on next season of The Bachelor.
What is your typical Sunday outfit?
You simply can’t sit on my couch and smell my scented candles if you’re going to be wearing high school gym shorts and a t-shirt with pit stains that you can see from space. Look fresh, feel fresh. Athleisure is en vogue but you still need to be able to get a fit off. Pictures welcome but not required, as I will thoroughly trash your fit behind your back should it be garbage.
What is your go-to brunch order?
Despite common logic, there’s a huge difference between your screwdriver orderers and your bottomless mimosa enthusiasts. Give me a line-item list of what you’re ordering at your ideal brunch from the drink(s) to the entree.
Which streaming passwords are you in possession of?
I’m talking Netflix, HBO Go, Showtime, Hulu, Amazon Prime – the works. Endlessly trying to find something to stream around the 7 o’clock hour on Sundays is a time-honored tradition, and we can’t do that if you’re sleepwalking through life with basic cable.
What is your go-to hangover cure?
We’re all here for similar reasons, so don’t act like you don’t attempt to paint the town red every weekend despite your weekly urge to stay in. Whether it’s Gatorade mixed with Alka Selter, sex, or a quadruple order of fries from In-N-Out, we need to be on the same page.
What does your Panic Room look like?
From the thread count of your sheets to the notes in your scented candles, I need to know the details of the habitat in which you choose to decompress and unwind. If you have a dog, I need the breed. That should go without saying.
Again, all answers will remain anonymous after they’re sent to email@example.com. But with that being said, let’s get on a wave together. .