Disclaimer: This is a parody.
Snapchat, very possibly the worst run publicly traded tech company on Earth, was dealt another blow last week as Facebook’s head of sales revealed to CNBC that Instagram Stories is now up to 250 million daily active users. That’s up 100 million daily active users from January and 84 million more daily active users than Snapchat as of Snapchat’s May earnings report. Not only has the number of daily active users for Instagram Stories increased, but many of them are revenue producers or potential revenue producers. About a third of the most viewed stories are from businesses and one million of them are advertisers. Instagram itself already has 700 million users, so the growth potential is enormous. Now that Instagram has also introduced disappearing photo messaging, which as you probably know was the original core feature of Snapchat, it has shown there is nothing Snapchat can do that Instagram can’t. The only difference is that when Instagram does it they already have 700 million users ready and willing to try it out.
News of Instagram Stories’ success smashed Snapchat’s already deflated share price back down to its IPO levels and I would not be surprised to see it go lower. Snapchat hopes to turn things around by releasing a new feature, Snap Maps, which is eerily reminiscent of FourSquare. Basically, your Snapchat friends can use the feature to track your location on a map, which is not creepy at all for a disappearing dick pic app. News of the new feature didn’t do much to salvage the stock price, which is still skimming its IPO price, since most investors don’t see the new feature attracting more users or more revenue, and even if it is successful, Instagram will just find a way to copy it.
Let’s see how Snapchat CEO is handling getting outwitted yet again by his nemesis Mark Zuckerberg.
CEO: *Tries to sneak by Tammy’s desk before she can say anything*
Tammy: Sir. Sir!
CEO: Tammy. No.
Tammy: Sir, Mark Zuckerberg called this morning asking if you received his acquisition offer.
CEO: Oh, was that the voicemail he left me last night of him laughing hysterically or was it the email he sent me that just had “LOLOLOL” typed over and over?
Tammy: *Stares at CEO in silence*
CEO: Tammy, I’m tired, extremely hung over, and I may or may not have paid an Uber driver $10,000 cash to drive me up to Palo Alto so I could break into the Facebook offices and take a dump in their food court. Just leave me alone.
Tammy: What if they caught you on camera?
CEO: Who cares? If Cuckerberg calls again, tell him I left a special organic, vegan, GMO-free lunch just for him.
CEO: Ralph! How are our numbers looking?
Ralph: Well, not great. We spent so much money developing Snap Maps that it might have been cheaper to just buy FourSquare.
CEO: Well fuck, Ralph, why didn’t you say so? By the way, do you want to hear how much I don’t care?
Ralph: No, sir.
CEO: By the way, I have a $10,000 travel expense I need you to put in. Here’s the expense report. Just leave the reimbursement check on my desk.
Ralph: Sir, why…how did you spend $10,000 to drive up to Palo Alto? I can’t approve this without reason.
CEO: Fuck you, Ralph. I don’t know. I had a meeting. Just do it.
CEO: Hey Jim. How are the sales projections looking for the quarter? Are we going to blow expectations out of the water?
CEO: What’s wrong?
Jim: Well, putting our featured snap articles from Cosmo, Buzzfeed, Bazaar, and Entertainment Weekly below snap stories instead of just on the discovery tab have certainly improved our eyeballs for ads, so there’s marginal growth there.
CEO: Butttttt…what? Spit it out.
Jim: Well, until we do a better job of monetizing snap stories like Instagram Stories does, we’re not going to blow out any expectations.
CEO: …Did you just bring up Instagram? Just fucking sell more ads, dude. What do I pay you for?
Jim: Sir, I’m telling you what I need in order to do that. The user growth just isn’t there.
CEO: Jim, your ideas are duly noted and disregarded. Just get back to whatever you were doing. I just remembered that I don’t care. *Laughs heartily* I’m fuckin’ rich.
CEO: Bob, how is the Snap Maps rollout going?
Bob: It’s going pretty smoothly, actually. It’s working exactly as expected.
CEO: Great idea, huh?
Bob: Of course, sir.
CEO: What’s it doing for snap volume?
Bob: It’s not really changing it much. The only difference is that now when some guy sends a dick pic you can see where he’s sending it from.
CEO: You’re kidding.
Bob: Unfortunately not, that’s what it’s been used for for the most part. At best female users can use it to track down available dicks on a map.
CEO: Gross. Goddammit.
CEO: Fran! Why aren’t people using Snap Maps more?!
Fran: I…I don’t know sir. I’ve really been pushing the feature on CNBC and Tech Crunch. And we sent out that little snap commercial to every single user. I don’t know what else to do.
CEO: FRAN! THAT’S NOT WHAT I WANT TO HEAR. FART CUCKERBERG IS STEALING MY SNAPCHAT STORY USERS SO WE NEED TO GET THIS NEW FEATURE ROLLING BEFORE HE STEALS THAT TOO!
Fran: Yes sir, I’m doing my best. It might be expensive but would you be willing to approve a major ad campaign across the Internet?
CEO: Fran. I don’t care how much it costs. Zuckerberg is NOT going to run my company into the ground. Do what you have to, you have a blank check. But it better work or so help me I will shave your head.
CEO: Hey Steve, good work on the Snap Maps, Bob told me everything looks great
Steve: Why thank you, sir.
CEO: Shut up. Now, tell me, how can we get more people to use it and not use it as a Yelp for dicks?
Steve: Well, I was thinking that individual venues can create their own Snap Map stories and users could add to it. You know how sometimes you want to go to a bar but you want to see how the crowd is first? This way you can. We could even charge an ad fee for it.
CEO: Steve, that’s a fucking brilliant idea. How quickly do you think we could roll that out?
Steve: I’d have to get with Jim and Fran but maybe six months?
CEO: Steve. What the fuck? Instagram will have stolen the idea by then. Do it now.
Steve: Yes sir, I’ll get with them right now.
CEO: You know what? Just forget it. It’s fine the way it is. And it’s not creepy. How are the new filters coming?
Steve: I’m hoping crying Lebron catches on like crying Jordan did. Oh, and don’t forget the Kurt Eichenwald tentacle filter.
CEO: Okay, that’s hilarious. Keep up the good work..