An Unqualified Idiot’s Step-by-Step Guide For When Your Car Breaks Down

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It’s a bright and sunny afternoon. You’re enjoying a leisurely drive on a mostly empty road, enjoying this brief window of time where you can fully jam out to Post Malone without a care in your mind. As the second verse kicks in, you hear something in the background. At first, you confused it for the bass, but now you clearly identify that the source of the noise is not coming from your car’s radio. It’s coming from inside the car.

You feel the engine sputter and the car shake. You start gripping the steering wheel so tight your knuckles turn white. A cold sweat forms on your brow, under your arms, and (possibly) right above your butt. This can’t be happening, you keep repeating in your mind. But it is.

Your car is breaking down. If like me, you’ve lived most of your life sticking to reliable cars, this might be the first time this has happened. The biggest concern, after how you’re going to make it to your fantasy football draft later that afternoon, is what to do. I am by no means an expert, but I can at least give what I, an otherwise decently intelligent human, would do. Hopefully, it might be somewhat useful should you end up in this dire situation.

Step 1: Put your hazards on and slowly begin to work your way to a safe pull-off zone.

You’ve always seen that triangle button on your dashboard. Well, buckle up Sally, because it’s time to finally put that bad boy to use. With your hazards on, other drivers will hopefully avoid your slow ass like the plague and you can find an open, safe spot to pull off. The National Safety Council advises that you do not brake sharply or suddenly, as this could cause a serious accident. I did not know this and am now terrified that it will be my first instinct, but hopefully, this saves one of you from making a critical mistake.

Bonus tip: if you feel a panic attack coming on, repeat the words “serenity now” over and over to stop yourself from completely freaking out until your car is fully stopped, with the engine turned off.

Step 2: Get out of the car in a safe manner to visually inspect the car for any problems.

First thing’s first, you need to figure out what the cause of the problem is and pray you can actually fix it. Did you hit a pothole right before the noises started? Well, that’s probably got something to do with it. You don’t want to be the guy who calls AAA saying “I don’t know what’s wrong, it just started acting funny,” only to see you’ve been dragging your muffler behind you for the last ten miles.

If you can safely repair the issue for long enough to get the car to a mechanic, feel free to do so. Hell, even if you’re not sure you can safely repair the problem, you’ll probably try to do so just to escape this waking nightmare. Just don’t blame me, I said “if you can safely repair” the problem.

Also, this is a good time to use my law degree and point out that this advice is for humorous purposes only, and none of this should be taken as an actual endorsement of steps that should be taken during a break-down. I am an idiot man-child, if you listen to this horribly unqualified advice you are insane.

Note: if, upon visual inspection of the car, you see that the issue is a flat tire, skip to Step 7.

Step 3: If no visual problem is evident, get back into your car and begin attempting to restart it over and over again.

Maybe you’ll get lucky and the problem will just go away for no reason. I mean, sometimes you get sick or pull some muscle, ignore it, and then wake up the next morning feeling fine. Your car isn’t more complicated than the human body (I assume), so maybe the issue somehow repaired itself. Maybe a kindly wizard cast a healing spell, but you didn’t notice because you were too busy hyperventilating? Either way, continue cranking the engine over and over until you’ve given up.

Bonus tip: for additional effectiveness, pray to God for assistance in between each attempt. Perhaps he’ll smile down upon you and send a bolt of lightning that will strike your car and zap it back to life. Or the lightning will kill you and you’ll be free from this horror.

Step 4: Pop the hood to get a clear look at the car’s engine.

Optional step: Google “how to pop the hood on [insert make and model of your car here].”

Step 5: Visually inspect the engine to see if there are any obvious problems.

Is a bunch of smoke billowing out when you pop the hood? Are there sparks flying everywhere, or some discolored glue oozing out somewhere? Did a part burst into flames spontaneously? Well, there’s your problem, and this is clearly beyond your capabilities. You are not a mechanic. If you’re following these steps you’re as dumb as me, and my best advice is to skip ahead to Step 12.

Step 6: If there are no obvious engine problems stand knowingly beside the engine.

You have no fucking idea what your car is doing. It should be working if your limited knowledge of what is inside a car engine is correct. I don’t know, maybe Google “is my engine screwed up” or “common car mechanical problems” or “is the Rapture supposed to be today?” In any case, you’re very likely to screw up the problem worse (making it more expensive to be fixed). But if you want to roll the dice and start fiddling with shit, you never know. You could accidentally repair it, or accidentally blow yourself up. At least then you won’t have to deal with being on hold with your insurance for an hour. However, if you value your limbs, skip to Step 12 for further instructions.

Step 7: If your car has a flat tire, begin to change it by putting the parking/emergency brake on to prevent the car from rolling.

Optional step 7a: Rack your brain trying to glean some additional knowledge about how to do this, apart from half-remembered lessons from your high school driver’s ED class and that one scene from A Christmas Story.

Optional step 7b: Admit that you are ill-equipped to handle this basic adult duty and instead give up and proceed to Step 12.

Step 8: Remove the hubcap and… wait do I remove the lug nuts now or after I jack the car up?

Holy shit, you are not qualified to be doing this. There are guys without high school diplomas who could do this without thinking, and here you stand, racking your brain like you were just handed a multivariable calculus problem.

Oh, Google says to loosen the lugs, but don’t remove them. God bless you, technology. If we’d lived in pioneer times you and I would almost certainly have died at first winter.

Step 9: Jack the car up to a safe distance to remove the wheel.

Shit, do you even have a jack? Did one come with the car? If so, where would the manufacturer have put it? Okay, that’s where it is. Thanks, Google.

Now, you’re supposed to put the jack in a specific spot to lift the car safely right? That’s what my old high school gym teacher told us when he was “teaching” driver’s ED. Now, where was that? Dammit, why wasn’t I paying more attention when that meatball was trying to explain this? I know all the words to the Monorail Song from The Simpsons, but I can’t remember this one important tidbit of info.

Step 10: With the car raised, remove the lug nuts.

Don’t lose the lug nuts! That’s one thing you definitely know thanks to a holiday classic. Where should you put them? No clue. Good luck, friendo.

Step 11: Replace the tire with your spare, and screw the lug nuts ba–

Oh no. You don’t have a spare tire, do you? Oh, you colossal fucking idiot. You didn’t think to check if you have a spare tire? Why wouldn’t you? You’ve clearly never done this before, and you should have one that came with the car, right?

Wait it didn’t? Not all new cars come with spare tires? How the hell was I supposed to know that? When the hell are you supposed to buy a new spare tire? Isn’t that sort of an oxymoron? No one plans for needing a spare tire, that’s why it’s a spare.

Great, so now you have your car jacked up, a flat wheel that’s been removed, and no way to replace it. What can we do now?

Step 12: Call your dad.

Your dad’s older. He knows more things. He comes from a time where there was less technology. He probably had to repair a car at some point, right? I mean, back in his day, there were no cell phones. If he broke down he had to fix it himself or he would have starved to death in the middle of the highway. Logically, since you’re alive, he must have fixed a car or never had a car breakdown ever.

True, he’s worked an office job your entire life. And he’s not a big “car guy.” Or even an engineer. Or does much of anything other than watch baseball and CSPAN. But he can at least calm you down and tell you who to call. If he’s a true baller, like my paw, he’ll even stay on the phone with you until the tow truck arrives.

Bonus tip: Be sure to hide the panic in your voice and muffle any tears to minimize his disappointment in your inability to be a functioning adult.

Note: If you do not have a dad to call, this can apply to any older male authority figure (uncle, brother, etc.). If you happen to know someone, of any age or gender, who actually knows anything about cars, call them instead. However, if it’s a female you’re interested in ever sleeping with in the future, you’re better off abandoning your car and living a nomadic life. Asking a girl for mechanical advice puts you at about the same sexual level as the dude who wears those hats that hold two beers on the side..

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Josh T.

Don't call me a liar, but you don't have to call me a truther.

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