An Hour-By-Hour Breakdown Of How Much Sleep You Got Last Night


10+ hours
You might have gone overboard on the melatonin last night, and are probably at least an hour and a half late for work. You’re still going to be tired all day too, which makes absolutely zero sense.


9 Hours
This is a healthy number. You had a long day yesterday and were absolutely beat. Only problem is you fell asleep on your couch watching reruns of House Hunters. Your back is killing you and your mouth is disgusting because you didn’t brush your teeth before going to bed. An aura of shame surrounds you all day.


8 Hours
Refreshed. Vibrant. Ready to take on the day. Oh, what’s that Gary from accounting? You need that expense report by 10:30? You got it, buddy. Hey, Sally. Lookin’ good. You get a haircut? Love it.


7 Hours
Roll yourself out of bed and face the day. You just got yourself an above average night of sleep and wake up with only moderate joint pain and time to spare to even make a decent breakfast for yourself.


6 Hours
Par for the course, these days. You finally got some shuteye after some YouTube browsing and even thought about sending a Snapchat of yourself eating a late-night snack. You’re wild. You’ll need some coffee in the afternoon, but other than that, it’s just another day.


5 Hours
We’re in trouble now. Getting out from under the covers was a real chore. You stared at your bloodshot eyes for a solid five minutes and sat on the toilet for a few extra minutes before getting in the shower.


4 Hours
Woof. Exhausted, yet again. Your anxiety got the best of you last night and you stared at the ceiling until you finally succumbed to slumber for what seemed like just a few seconds before your iPhone started blasting xylophones in your face. There are six cups of coffee with your name on it, buster.


3 Hours
A glorified nap. Relenquish me from this hell. Nobody talk to me. Why do I do this to myself?


2 Hours
Barely even remember sleeping. Drifted in and out for a few hours. Load up on all sorts of caffeine on the way to work and show up looking like a methed out drifter wearing wrinkly corporate attire. You will be judged for your appearance.


1 Hour
Worst day ever. Shouldn’t have even gone to sleep. Your eyes feel like someone is stabbing them with a rusty fork.

No Sleep
What’s the going rate for black market Ambien?

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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