An Honest Breakdown Of The Unrealistic Dos And Don’ts Of Bachelor Parties

An Honest Breakdown Of These Unrealistic Dos And Don'ts Of Bachelor Parties

I thought planning a bachelor party would be easy. With enough beer, a shell of a plan, and a solid email chain, I thought we could get through it. But I was mistaken. Gravely mistaken. To the point where someone had to unknowingly swoop in and take control of more than I ever realized I needed to plan for.

Any time you’re going to get a dozen irresponsible pieces of shit together to get rip-roaring drunk in a public setting, you need to account for everything. Everything. Someone’s going to go missing. Someone’s going to get too drunk to finish the round of golf. Someone’s going to need to get dragged out of the champagne room by the collar of their monogrammed shirt with only one collar stay left in it. Which is why Brides decided to put together a list of bachelor party dos and don’ts.

Unfortunately, the picture they painted of the weekends that rarely get spoken of afterward does not accurately help the bride, the best man, or anyone else involved. Let’s explore.

DO Spread it out over a weekend. Even on a shoestring budget, a full weekend will provide more memories — and laughs — than a single night of debauchery.

Proceed with caution. Your body is a shell of its former self. When you have an entire weekend to be ‘single,’ you’re going to accept that Miller Lite at 9 a.m. on Saturday that you’d normally have to turn down for fear of getting yelled at later. You’re going to stay up that extra couple hours listening to songs from high school while a bottle of brown gets passed around the table. And yes, your fragile body will pay for it come Sunday when you’re having an existential crisis in the middle of your flight back home.

Or you’ll find yourself so hungover that you’re locked in your hotel room on day two wondering why you shelled out double the money solely to be hungover somewhere other than your actual apartment. But hey, at least you’re not being asked to clean the dishes.

DON’T Expect your crew to cover all your expenses. Your guy friends are allowed to splurge on your dinners and drinks but they should not be expected to foot the bill for your airfare and lodging. Have some compassion for people’s wallets.

Have some compassion for people’s wallets? Yeah, because when your friends are ordering tequila-rocks during your open bar reception instead of shots, they’re really thinking about the well-being of your wallet. I don’t even care if her dad is paying for the wedding – that’s your inheritance your friends are pissing into the country club urinal with every extra stiff cocktail they order at dinner before breaking those glasses on the dance floor during your overpriced band’s rendition of “Uptown Funk.”

Being a groomsmen is expensive, but being a groom is even more expensive. Between you and your squad, you really have no other choice but to make sure your buddy has zero worries leading up to the wedding other than who’s going to tie his bow tie.

DO Respect the bride’s policy on lap dances. Some think it’s harmless fun; others call it borderline cheating. If she falls into the latter group, that’s her prerogative. (Stay focused on the big picture; this is not a large sacrifice.)

Lap dances? Who gets lap dances anymore?

*wink wink*

Ugh, if you’re getting lap dances, that’s just downright disrespectful to the bride and her family.

*wink wink*

I mean, you’re getting married for heaven’s sake, and you want a stripper with skin that feels like the exterior of a 10-year-old wallet to grind on your moisture-wicking golf shorts late into the night? Gross.

*wink wink*

I can assure you this: if I ever plan another bachelor party, there will not be strippers there. I have too much respect for all parties involved to even dream of doing such a thing.

*wink wink*

DON’T Post anything on social media between 12 a.m. and 6 a.m., when the party is likely in full swing. Better yet, ask your buddies not to take any pictures beyond the obligatory group shot.

If your friends are stupid enough to not adhere to the tacit ‘no photos’ agreement that goes along with every bachelor party in the history of bachelor parties, you’re a bunch of munsons who deserve to be in trouble.

Here’s what you do: day one, schedule a round of golf or nice dinner where you take some nice group photos. Get them edited and prepared for liftoff. Meanwhile, express to your wives and girlfriends that the nice dinner is Saturday night and not Friday night. When Saturday night rolls around and the groom’s hungover, puffy face is covered with the stripper’s panties, toss one of the group shots up on Instagram with the caption, “A bunch of beauties.”

“Awww,” the WAGS will think. “They’re being so responsible and cute.” Nah, you’re still filth in wolve’s clothing and you know it.

DO Personalize. Hangover-style bachelor parties are no longer your only move. Consider offbeat options like white-water rafting, a minor-league-baseball road trip, a ski weekend, whiskey tasting trails in the Highlands of North Carolina, or a fishing expedition. All of these lead to quality male bonding, and none will require paying off a hooker. Probably.

Last time I checked, a hooker was a lot cheaper than a round of golf on Kiawah Island where you’re pretty much making it rain on the cart girl as she scrapes through the bottom of her cooler looking for the last of the light beer before you inevitably switch to the heavy beers that’ll eventually brown you out after the turn. While yeah, I agree, you need a central activity rather than just saying, “We’re going to Chicago to get fucked up,” hookers might be the cheapest option if you’re going to be clinging to your wallet the entire time.

DON’T Let your friends hijack the weekend. Don’t hesitate to put your foot down if your guys want a crazy party, but you’d rather take it easy, or you don’t drink and all your friends want to do is bar crawl all weekend long. They’re your friends, after all. They should respect your wishes and know that the weekend will be fun no matter how hard the level of partying.

If you’re a groom who’s nodding his head approvingly at the above statement, just remember this: this bachelor party isn’t for you. It’s for your friends. You’re essentially getting a free vacation for no other reason than your buddies are trying to get a weekend away from the ol’ ball and chain with no questions asked. If you think you have any control over the situation they’re about to throw you in, well, then you’re dumb enough to get married before you turn 30.

[via Brides]

Image via Instagram

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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