======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
I thought planning a bachelor party would be easy. With enough beer, a shell of a plan, and a solid email chain, I thought we could get through it. But I was mistaken. Gravely mistaken. To the point where someone had to unknowingly swoop in and take control of more than I ever realized I needed to plan for.
Any time you’re going to get a dozen irresponsible pieces of shit together to get rip-roaring drunk in a public setting, you need to account for everything. Everything. Someone’s going to go missing. Someone’s going to get too drunk to finish the round of golf. Someone’s going to need to get dragged out of the champagne room by the collar of their monogrammed shirt with only one collar stay left in it. Which is why Brides decided to put together a list of bachelor party dos and don’ts.
Unfortunately, the picture they painted of the weekends that rarely get spoken of afterward does not accurately help the bride, the best man, or anyone else involved. Let’s explore.
DO Spread it out over a weekend. Even on a shoestring budget, a full weekend will provide more memories — and laughs — than a single night of debauchery.
Proceed with caution. Your body is a shell of its former self. When you have an entire weekend to be ‘single,’ you’re going to accept that Miller Lite at 9 a.m. on Saturday that you’d normally have to turn down for fear of getting yelled at later. You’re going to stay up that extra couple hours listening to songs from high school while a bottle of brown gets passed around the table. And yes, your fragile body will pay for it come Sunday when you’re having an existential crisis in the middle of your flight back home.
Or you’ll find yourself so hungover that you’re locked in your hotel room on day two wondering why you shelled out double the money solely to be hungover somewhere other than your actual apartment. But hey, at least you’re not being asked to clean the dishes.
DON’T Expect your crew to cover all your expenses. Your guy friends are allowed to splurge on your dinners and drinks but they should not be expected to foot the bill for your airfare and lodging. Have some compassion for people’s wallets.
Have some compassion for people’s wallets? Yeah, because when your friends are ordering tequila-rocks during your open bar reception instead of shots, they’re really thinking about the well-being of your wallet. I don’t even care if her dad is paying for the wedding – that’s your inheritance your friends are pissing into the country club urinal with every extra stiff cocktail they order at dinner before breaking those glasses on the dance floor during your overpriced band’s rendition of “Uptown Funk.”
Being a groomsmen is expensive, but being a groom is even more expensive. Between you and your squad, you really have no other choice but to make sure your buddy has zero worries leading up to the wedding other than who’s going to tie his bow tie.
DO Respect the bride’s policy on lap dances. Some think it’s harmless fun; others call it borderline cheating. If she falls into the latter group, that’s her prerogative. (Stay focused on the big picture; this is not a large sacrifice.)
Lap dances? Who gets lap dances anymore?
*wink wink*
Ugh, if you’re getting lap dances, that’s just downright disrespectful to the bride and her family.
*wink wink*
I mean, you’re getting married for heaven’s sake, and you want a stripper with skin that feels like the exterior of a 10-year-old wallet to grind on your moisture-wicking golf shorts late into the night? Gross.
*wink wink*
I can assure you this: if I ever plan another bachelor party, there will not be strippers there. I have too much respect for all parties involved to even dream of doing such a thing.
*wink wink*
DON’T Post anything on social media between 12 a.m. and 6 a.m., when the party is likely in full swing. Better yet, ask your buddies not to take any pictures beyond the obligatory group shot.
If your friends are stupid enough to not adhere to the tacit ‘no photos’ agreement that goes along with every bachelor party in the history of bachelor parties, you’re a bunch of munsons who deserve to be in trouble.
Here’s what you do: day one, schedule a round of golf or nice dinner where you take some nice group photos. Get them edited and prepared for liftoff. Meanwhile, express to your wives and girlfriends that the nice dinner is Saturday night and not Friday night. When Saturday night rolls around and the groom’s hungover, puffy face is covered with the stripper’s panties, toss one of the group shots up on Instagram with the caption, “A bunch of beauties.”
“Awww,” the WAGS will think. “They’re being so responsible and cute.” Nah, you’re still filth in wolve’s clothing and you know it.
DO Personalize. Hangover-style bachelor parties are no longer your only move. Consider offbeat options like white-water rafting, a minor-league-baseball road trip, a ski weekend, whiskey tasting trails in the Highlands of North Carolina, or a fishing expedition. All of these lead to quality male bonding, and none will require paying off a hooker. Probably.
Last time I checked, a hooker was a lot cheaper than a round of golf on Kiawah Island where you’re pretty much making it rain on the cart girl as she scrapes through the bottom of her cooler looking for the last of the light beer before you inevitably switch to the heavy beers that’ll eventually brown you out after the turn. While yeah, I agree, you need a central activity rather than just saying, “We’re going to Chicago to get fucked up,” hookers might be the cheapest option if you’re going to be clinging to your wallet the entire time.
DON’T Let your friends hijack the weekend. Don’t hesitate to put your foot down if your guys want a crazy party, but you’d rather take it easy, or you don’t drink and all your friends want to do is bar crawl all weekend long. They’re your friends, after all. They should respect your wishes and know that the weekend will be fun no matter how hard the level of partying.
If you’re a groom who’s nodding his head approvingly at the above statement, just remember this: this bachelor party isn’t for you. It’s for your friends. You’re essentially getting a free vacation for no other reason than your buddies are trying to get a weekend away from the ol’ ball and chain with no questions asked. If you think you have any control over the situation they’re about to throw you in, well, then you’re dumb enough to get married before you turn 30. .
[via Brides]
Image via Instagram
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
What the fuck is Brides and why are they bride-splaining to me what to do on MY bachelor party? This advice sucks. If I don’t have massive anxiety on the flight home from a bachelor party you know it wasn’t as good as it should have been.
#StopBrideSplaining
When I come home from a bachelor party I want to think, “I’m certainly not proud of what we did, but I’m sure as shit not ashamed”. That’s it.
I’m always very ashamed.
Also surprised they didn’t try to toss the ole “joint bachelor/bachelorette” party. One of my wife’s bridesmaids posed that and we both told them it was a stupid fucking idea.
And on the PTO front. Thoughts on someone using a long weekend for their party (MLK, Memorial Day, Labor)?
Had a bachelor party in New Orleans on Labor Day weekend last year. Definitely needed that Monday to recover.
As a female, fuck the joint party idea.
Not a bad idea as long as you can afford the increase in airfare, and hotel prices for the holiday weekend.
Personally, I think Memorial Day weekend is perfect for a bachelor party. Especially if it’s like a lake house weekend.
Always take the extra recovery day.
I’m going on a ski trip bachelor party on MLK weekend, only catch is I don’t get MLK day off…
Too bad Finn doesn’t read “Brides”.
I’ve probably said this before, but if it’s a whole weekend, and you don’t budget your pto to take that Monday off? Good luck.
Wait, haven’t you been to like, one bachelor party?
Paleontologists study dinosaurs and they’ve never encountered a single one. I study this shit, NeverGrad. I’m deep in the millennial game.
When you put it that way, it’s hard to argue.
Will is a quick learner. People know that about him.
Good point about it being for the friends. Groom gets to chose one (1) daytime activity and the location of the nice dinner. Other than that, all in attendance can do whatever they want whenever they want.
Also important to keep in mind when considering it’s really for the boys, don’t price people out. Keep it reasonable so as many people (within reason) can go.
Agreed. Initially we planned a Vegas BP and after some honesty from some folks who couldn’t afford the trip we did a lake house in Austin instead. Trip went from 4 to 10 able to go and was a blast.
What is WAGS?
“Wives And Girlfriends”
This sounds exactly like what any gf would say before letting you go out for guys night; aka don’t have fun
I like to go with an “ignorance is bliss” policy in regards to the strippers. I’m sure my fiancé will venture out to the strip club at some point but I plan to never ask because I don’t need or want to know.
For some reason all of my friends have either gotten married or are getting married in the next 6 months and I feel like an expert on bachelor parties.
1. Do whatever you can to make it a whole weekend.
2. Try not to price people out of the main event. If they can’t afford a hotel for the weekend and a nice meal or a $100 round of golf that’s on them. But if you are trying to get a suite for a sporting event than that’s a totally different story.
3. I would say the more the merrier but there comes a certain point when you have to think numbers. A recent Bachelor Party had 18 guys in Nashville. That makes getting a reservation difficult and getting into the same bar almost impossible.
4. If everyone is located near the same area/city try to make it somewhere people can drive to. This ensures numbers are better and helps with the price too. If all 8 of your groomsmen live with 100 miles of Louisville there is no reason to fly to Miami for a weekend.
5. Strippers, yes!
Unless you’re coming to Louisville around Derby, go to St Louis or Nashville instead. Nothing to do here
Here’s my take on lap dances from strippers at a bachelor party. I’m not the type to tell a bf (or hypothetical fiancé) what he can and can’t do. I am, however, all about about the guy and the girl having equally good times and experiences.
What is the equivalent for the bachelorette if the bachelor goes out with his buddies for lap dances at a strip club? Does she go out to a club with her friends and get lap dances from a guys? Chances are most don’t. Even if she did, the guy performing the lap dance is 9/10 gay, and the very act itself is usually viewed as funny or silly.
In theory I’d much rather give a lap dance than receive one if I ever decide to go slut it up for my Bachelorette weekend. Personally, I think giving one is way more erotic, empowering, and self-indulging than receiving one from a male stripper– and probably much more similar to the sensations or motives that the bachelor has while going through his supposed rite of passage on his bachelor weekend.
Bottom line bachelors: have your rowdy shit-show of a weekend, but just know that us bachelorettes are having our “fun” too. *wink wink*