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Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve prided myself on being able to get along with different kinds of people. Nerdy or athletic, ugly or smoking hot, if you had a sense of humor and a good heart, I’d try to roll with you. College tested that theory. It was the first time I met hipsters and I was confused. Why were so many obviously upper-middle class kids suddenly dressing like they’re poor and pretending to enjoy stuff that just objectively sucked, like Pomplamoose and knitting.
But I’m thrilled to announce that the transformation of all those hipster guys and gals who first entered my life over a decade ago is now complete. Here’s the evolution:
The hair? Man buns have now been banished to the ash heap of history, replaced with a sensible crew or taper cuts.
The beards? Gone are the unwashed, free-spirit, big beards of yesteryear. They’re shaved away or replaced with trimmed and conditioned.
The clothes? No more trips to the thrift store to buy a dead old guy’s suit or Grandma Mildred’s orthopedic shoes. It’s all off-the-rack modern fits and heels now. Dudes are finally giving themselves a break downstairs, switching from impractical skinny jeans to Banana Republic slacks. They’re still clinging to the TOMS shoes, though.
The job? Those days of the unpaid internships, part-time bartending, and “web development classes until I get hired by a startup” phases have been replaced with working for their dad’s companies or slogging away at a 9-5 like the rest of us.
The vacations? No more staying in a yurt (on a yurt? How do yurts work?) or weekend trips to Dia Beacon. It’s either a long weekend trip to that lagoon in Iceland or beach resort trips with the parents and significant others now.
The transportation? From fixie bikes to Honda Accords or Metrocards. It’s good to have brakes. ‘Nuff said.
Music? Honestly, this is too much to delve into. Let’s just say the guy who put his band’s music on cassettes and then asked us to buy said cassettes on the internet is no longer doing so.
The drinks? Kombucha and PBR haven’t been shoved in my face for years now. It’s all La Croix and wines recommended by their older, more classy friends.
The table snacks? The ubiquitous hummus in the middle of the table at a house party? It’s been replaced by Whole Foods guacamole.
The diets? Vegan is out and gluten-free is in (all right that one’s not an improvement)
Sure, you’ll say, part of this was just growing up. They got some coin in their pocket and realized they could start affording a decent lifestyle. But there’s more to it than that. It was a conscience decision to stop being alternative for alternative’s sake. To stop trying to look cool by doing stuff that actually made you feel shitty. And I can’t judge. I’ve done idiotic things to fit in one minute or stand out the next. We all have.
And it wasn’t a quick transition, either. I think the wheels started turning when engagement photos with nice haircuts, nice clothes, and nice backgrounds started cropping up in our lives. I think they wanted to look back and have nice pictures of their own, or at least pictures they wouldn’t be embarrassed of. And I think the final straw was the wedding where they decided to camp out and show up smelly to the ceremony in rumpled clothes…instead of staying in the charming country inn just feet away that had, you know, plumbing and ironing boards.
Look, when you’ve got good people in your life, you have to look past some of the nonsense and realize none of that matters. And if you stick with them long enough, hipster caterpillars will turn into yuppie butterflies and invite you over for pleasant, early-evening dinner parties, to reminisce on youthful indiscretions. Well, maybe without the cassette guy. We’ll see..
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If you’re into spending time with insufferable people who dress like poor clowns…I know a guy in Chicago
Does his name rhyme with Don Luda?
It’s because they all bought like $20 in Bitcoin and turned it into $67 and then realized that they could do this with capital efficient companies and then they realized that this is all just a giant game and that money actually does buy happiness but it’s in the form of safety and nice looking things. 10 years from now they’ll be spinning Miles Davis vinyls but via the chip implanted in their wrist lol
Money isn’t real since we got off the gold standard
Never understood the whole hipster thing. Like Ray Liotta said, “As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a yuppie.”
PBR and Jameson shots at a rock show will never go out of style.
Eating homemade hummus right knowing I still got it. Not really, I just like hummus and Sabra is fucking expensive.
Sabra is overpriced garbage. Granted, I was spoiled eating my grandmother’s homemade hummus since I was little, so store brands never really match up
co-signed, homemade is miles better, and stupid easy to make
I finally got it close to restaurant-style this time. Soaked dried chickpeas rather than canned, and cooked them on high in slow cooker with baking soda to completely break down the skins and make them easy to blend. Also used a whole jar of tahini to make tahini-lemon-garlic sauce to go into it.
Way better than the garbage Athenos hummus though
While i admittedly still check some of the hipster boxes, I am hoping that Blue Ribbon beer starts going back down in price. With the hipsters going crazy over it the price went up $2-$3 per case, at least where i live. That still never stopped me from drinking it, though.
I knew it was time to move on from PBR being my cheap drink of choice when I started seeing it going for $4 a can at the bar. That’s just absurd. It will only be a matter of time before Natty Boh suffers the same fate.
I’d pay $4 for a tall boy at a bar but a 12oz? No way. Still haven’t had Natty Boh; it’s virtually impossible to come by this far South.
Keystone Light will never be taken over by hipsters. Best beer in the world
Busch Light gang or die.
Eh, I feel like there was a point were people were trying to be hipsters and it was those that evolved out of it. Most real hipsters still rock the skinny jeans and beat up vans.
I believe it was Will that coined the phrase “Trust fund hippies”, and those are the ones talked about in this article
Thank you for validating the suckage of this – Pomplamoose
Pretty sure kombacha and veganism are bigger than ever
Anyone who ever actually gave a shit about ‘the scene’ evolved out of being a hipster in 2011 with the death of HRO. No one who claims to be a hipster now was ever relevant in the prime ‘the scene’ and isn’t a real hipster. They are a cheap knockoff of a brand that was played out in 2010 and is played to death now. The days of hunting and gathering for sweet ass deals is behind us bb.