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Every time I drive by a house with a front yard full of lush, green, Augusta quality grass, I am overcome with jealousy. Most people in the burbs have nice lawns because everyone around them has one and they don’t want to look like a degenerate home owner. Some HOAs will even require certain standards for the curb appeal of your house so your lawn, by rule, has to be well maintained.
Growing up, we lived on a dirt road with six other houses. (Should have been four but someone decided to throw a couple lots in and ruin a perfectly good field that was used to rip around on sleds and ATVs, but I’m not mad about it). My old man didn’t have a pesky HOA to tell him he needed to keep a good lawn, or constant traffic driving by to compare his lawn to the neighbors because we couldn’t even see our neighbors. Even though he didn’t have to, Dad kept an immaculate lawn.
The lot was about 1.7 acres and mostly cleared. Out front we had a yard the size of a football field with a man-made pond at the far end of the property. Out back there was Dad’s shed, a little flower garden mom kept, a swing set for us kids, and a couple of trees and a clothes line that also served as an upright for kicking field-goals. We were surrounded by woods and aside from when we had company, no one could see our land but every blade of grass on the property was a perfect shade of green, properly trimmed and soft enough to roll around in without getting too itchy. We played soccer, football, capture the flag, and wiffle ball home run derby all on a lush green lawn of well-kept grass. I never knew the value of a lawn until last year when my wife and I bought our first home.
We bought a house on a 1.8 acre lot down a private dirt road with 3 other houses (some people never change.) Unlike my childhood home, however, there isn’t a single spot of grass on our property that I’m proud of. There is more crab grass than actual grass. And there is more sand and shit quality dirt than there is crab grass. Out back is primarily gravel/sand with the occasional spot of grass. Out front there is a “lawn” made up of 90% weeds and moss. The lot is about 70% cleared, but regardless of the season the damn trees never seem to stop shedding leaves and covering our property. So what little grass there is, is often covered in dead leaves because I don’t have time to run a leaf blower for two hours every single day.
I like to blame geological formations and our location for the lack luster grounds that we have at our house since we live near a lake and the soil is naturally very sandy – terrible for trying to grow things but very good for drainage. When we bought the house last year in March, I envisioned our future kids rolling around in the front lawn and coming inside with grass stains that Mrs. Cush would shake her head at. I envisioned Wednesday evenings and Saturday mornings spent cruising around the house cutting grass and working a weed whacker. But there is no grass to cut, there is only weeds and dirt. My kids will come inside with skinned knees and blood stains instead of grass stains. I will mow the lawn twice a month, at most, to keep the weeds from getting out of hand. And in place of a weed whacker – I’ll garnish an industrial size container of Roundup, probably to no avail.
I could have a nice lawn, but the price would be astronomical. In loam and grass seed or hydro seed, it would cost thousands. And what if it doesn’t take? That’s a hell of a pill to swallow. I could import artificial turf at an even higher cost for something that is guaranteed to look good that I’d never have to take care of. But what kind of self-respecting man does that? I don’t want to be a phony. All I want in life is a nice lawn. So I guess it’s time to move..
Image via Shutterstock
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@207Cush
Capture the flag was the shit and nice lawns are #goals
Nice lawns and dope shade trees are the #goals
They’re essential.
We bought a foreclosure last summer that hadn’t been lived in since Barry was running for re-election. After getting the inside lined out over the winter, I’ve went full on Bob fucking Vila on that place outside. I am more exhausted than usual but, to see the progression after each project when I come home each day is pretty awesome.
Side note: My mower has a cup holder, so I usually catch a pretty nice buzz while doing “chores”.
Get yourself a zero turn and you’ll never want to stop mowing.
If I could only justify the expense…..
My Dad bought a zero turn 2 weeks before my 16th birthday. I, justifiably, had some concerns about my future mobility. I go outside to check it out and tentitively ask about the possibility of a new car since he’s just drop a few k on a new lawn mower. With Dad doing, I shit you not, donuts on the road on his new zero turn in the background, she turns to me and says, “kid, I think you’re looking at it.” To this day I don’t know who had the better power move: my mom, or my dad.
My house was built on dirt and the grass is just starting to come in, but it’s spotty as shit. I now feel old because I am way too concerned over the quality of my lawn. I do look forward to the day where I can yell at kids to get off my damn lawn, though.
Glad I’m not the only one who feels like this
This is exactly what I want when I buy my first home. My current rental has grass patches out front with weird dirt strewn about, so I never stop checking out other people’s lawns.
Sup? So meet up at the Home Depot Garden section?
I never understood lawn jealousy until I bought a home with a lawn that’s a pain to get looking acceptable. Growing up I definitely took for granted awesome lawns to play football and baseball in.
Wiffle ball games were epic growing up. We had a field beside our house and would wait 4-5 days after they’d cut the grass and take our mower over and cut base and foul lines. We’d also take electric tape and tape up the bat and the ball. That way you could throw and hit harder but you don’t cover the holes on the ball and it makes for some downright nasty breaking pitches but with the ability to control them and still throw a flat heater if needed.
Deciding between what fertilizers to buy #PGP
10-10-10 is all you need in most cases.
May even go with some 18-3-8 to get it greened up and keep the phosphorus low since it tends to bind up in the soil and stay there.
When we bought this house, the back yard had been covered in leaves for upwards of two years, and almost no grass survived. There were big dirt patches and what grass was left was hardly appealing. This spring, the Mrs and I tore it all up, releveled the yard, and laid down sod. The whole project took us a couple weeks (about 6 full days of work) and cost a pretty penny, but that feeling of walking in your lawn barefoot and feeling the warm grass between your toes makes it all worth it.
The front yard is built on a hill and is still garbage and weeds, but fuck the front yard.
Great post. Reminds me of when my old man would cruise around our yard listening to The Scorpions and Journey on full blast in his headphones. For my money, there’s no greater Dad Move than the riding lawnmower beer, especially if you can do one on the front and one on the back and keep the wife from knowing.
The trick is to pretend that your crappy lawn is actually an environmentally responsible lawn. You see a weed? I see a drought-hardy perennial. Neighbor points out your brown patches? Yeah man, I don’t really believe in putting more chemicals into our water table, or wasting valuable water on useless grass. Leaves left everywhere in the fall? Just returning the carbons to Mother Earth. (Not advisable in an HOA neighborhood, but in my liberal urban neighborhood? They eat that shit up.)