Alcohol Pitchmen Ranked By Who I’d Most Like To Party With

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A new addition to your drinking crew is always welcome, especially when that addition is the face of an alcoholic beverage campaign. Nearly every single alcohol pitchman could bring some definite advantages to joining your group of drinking buddies, but as with everything, you have to weigh the pros and the cons when it comes to who you want to roll with. Here’s the definitive list of best to worst when it comes to drinking with these guys:

Honorable Mention: Jim Beam’s Mila Kunis

So while Mila is a stone cold fox, she’s also a married new mother, and something tells me she’s been out of the whiskey drinking game for a while. Plus, you’re looking to add a solid member to your group of drinking buddies, not distract everyone with Kelso’s wife.

Honorable Mention: The Miller High Life Guy

A legendary man who just wanted to make sure people were properly living the high life. RIP.

7. Heineken’s Neil Patrick Harris

Okay listen, before you say anything, I am well aware that NPH is a married father who does show tunes and hosts award shows. There’s a chance that he would have half a beer and then go back to his family. But, there’s also that chance that he comes out with you guys, calmly downs a free Heineken, and then turns into the absolute monster that he was in Harold and Kumar. It may be almost impossible, but if you’ve got the opportunity to watch Neil Patrick Harris get obliterated, steal your car, and hand back the keys after making love stains in the back seat, you gotta do it.

6. Budweiser’s Singing Bud Light Rita Guy

While you may leave drinking those Lime-A-Ritas to the girls, this guy makes it his sole mission to sing everyone into drinking copious amounts of them and just having a laid back good time. He’s definitely the calm but somewhat pushy guy who just has the “come on, drink this, it’ll be fine” aura about him. This demeanor also makes him come off as somewhat sketchy, as his go-with-the-flow style may have him singing “there’s cocaine, in the bathroom, come join me, with hookers” to the tune of a Lionel Ritchie song. Every night you go out with this guy, everyone in the group will get plastered, and they may just also do some extremely questionable things.

5. Sauza’s Rick “Sour” Vane

He’s a newcomer on the scene, but hear me out. Once you get over the fact that this guy is actually a living breathing lime, you will definitely notice the sort of Justin Timberlake-esque charisma about him. Now, he may be depressed because people allegedly no longer need him, but hell, he’s alive and well despite his head being a big piece of citrus, so you have to think he will snap out of it. Your group will never be more popular than it will be walking around with this guy. I mean, he’s a walking fucking lime, and he acts like if Justin Timberlake had a baby with a fallen eighties star. That’ll draw more attention than Bieber on a date with female Bruce Jenner. When you factor in the stories the guy will have from being a famous living lime in the eighties, as well as being your savior when you don’t have any limes for your poorly chosen pre-game Patron shots, he’s a no brainer.

4. 1800 Tequila’s Ray Liotta

Ray Liotta is a legend. He was in Goodfellas, Field of Dreams, and quite a few others. He can be intense, scary, dramatic, or even comic relief. Liotta brings such a degree of credible badassery to your group even though he’s an actor and may have never actually done anything violent in his life. Not a single person will even look at you guys funny when he’s around. Now, why isn’t he ranked higher? Well, there’s this:

3. Keystone’s Keith Stone

If you were still in college, he’d be number one, and it wouldn’t even be close. Keith Stone was the Joe the Plumber of the drinking game. He was one of you, as he drank cheap, shitty beer and still managed to be cooler than the other side of the pillow. Stone may not fit in quite as well in your postgrad group, as he dresses like he has zero fucks to give and isn’t exactly the cleanest looking cat in the room. But, when you need a cig, or someone to brashly walk up and get a conversation going with a group of girls, or to know a perfect place around the corner with $1 drafts for the next hour, Keith Stone is your man.

2. Jose Cuervo’s Kiefer Sutherland

So let me get this straight. You mean that Jack Bauer, with his rich history of raging, now has a tequila gig and wants to party with us? Yeah, I think we can find a spot for him. This may be a reach, but Sutherland could be the kick in the ass your group needs to be unstoppable. You’ll need to keep him in check due to the aforementioned history, but you’ll never have a dull night with him leading the pack either. The biggest risk here is that you start with Cuervo shots to open the night and you end with the police shining a flashlight in your car after Kiefer drives it through a building while sitting in the driver’s seat laughing like a maniac.

1. Dos Equis’ The Most Interesting Man in the World

Was there even a question? Absolute gamechanger. He’s the only guy on this list who can turn going out to get “one beer” into a night where you end up sitting at an underground baccarat table with John Stamos, James Earl Jones, and Vladimir Putin. He doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does, I’m sure he absolutely throws them down but still maintains his composure like a champ. While Stone may be able to chat up the group of twenty-somethings at the bar, The Most Interesting Man will shrug them off, and then inform your group that the cast of Mean Girls is meeting you guys at the bar, and Lohan is DD’ing.

Dishonorable Mention: Seagram’s Bruce Willis

Jesus Christ. That’s John McClane, drinking the “yippie ki yay, motherfucker” out of some wine coolers. Actually, not even drinking them. Lip syncing using a wine cooler as a mic with his boys on a porch. Sit the next few plays out Bruce, and get your shit together. You’re never living this down..

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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