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There are two types of people in this world: people who think Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic” actually describes ironic situations and those who don’t. Using the first definition of irony – “the expression of one’s meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect.” – it isn’t ironic because she’s not using sarcasm and doesn’t “mean the opposite.
However, using the second definition of irony – “a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result” – I think we could agree that Alanis does, in fact, portray ironic situations, because nothing that happens would be “expected.” Whether or not you still don’t agree, it’s all semantics. But let’s get into the lyrics and rank the ironic situations, from least shitty to shittiest.
11. Black fly in your chardonnay – Just pick it out and drink your damn wine. It’s almost summertime, and you’ll be on that rooftop bar, and bugs are going to be flying around. Some will end up in your chardonnay. Just suck it up, flick it out, and drink up.
10. Free ride when you’ve already paid – I guess it depends on how much you paid. If it’s a free ride across the country then yeah that shit sucks, but if it’s a $2 MBTA ride or a $9 Uber, give me a frickin’ break. Things could be a lot worse.
9. No smoking sign on your cigarette break – While I don’t think you should be smoking (though I’m sure Johnny D vehemently disagrees) I guess it’s a parallel situation to being in a bar without your ID so you can’t buy a beer, and that is a shitty situation. But fuck it, if you need that cig badly enough, bend the rules and smoke up, McLovin. Life’s short.
8. Old man turned 98, won the lottery and died the next day – This is a nightmare…for someone who’s not on Medicare yet. Like bro, you’re a ticking time bomb, why are you playing the lotto anyway? Still looking for those cheap thrills? Save that money and buy something nice for your grandchildren, like an ice cream cone. At least in this situation his family inherits the money. Still kind of a bummer situation; I’m sure this 98-year-old had visions of balling out at a wicked nice steak house at 4:30 p.m.
7. Good advice you just didn’t take – Hindsight, bro. If we all listened to all the good advice we’ve ever gotten maybe certain situations would have turned out for the better, but you don’t learn from just following the direction of others. Sometimes not taking that good advice, fucking up, and learning from it is more valuable. It blows, it eats, but it’s how you grow. Still, sometimes it really can impact your life. What if it was good advice on a stock tip? What if it was good advice that you, in fact, should have worn that condom that one time. See what I mean?
6. 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife – I’ve yet to blog it, but I think spoons are the most overrated utensil on earth. I once went an entire summer without a spoon just to prove a point. There are only two things I use a spoon for – ice cream and soup – and I could argue that you could get away with a fork in both scenarios. So yeah, being stuck with TEN THOUSAND spoons sans knife is fucking brutal. But remember that summer when I went spoon-less? My buddy only used a spoon just to prove a point. Even cut his steak with a spoon. So you could get by in this situation. Still, for me, my absolute disgust for spoons makes this situation nearly unbearable. Sidebar – the average weight of a spoon is about 25 grams. 10,000 spoons are about 551 pounds. A quarter-ton of spoons!
5. Traffic jam when you’re already late – This could easily be number one. Think about it, how miserable is traffic? It’s the worst. And how stressful is being late? The most stressful. Combine the two and you basically just want to jam a gun into your temple. But how much better is traffic since the invention of iPhones? Sitting in gridlock is mitigated by scrolling through Twitter. And you can just fire off an email to your boss that you’re stuck in traffic, send a picture even, and bingo bango probably not the worst thing in the world. Plus, you have to be checking Waze when you’re already late so you know the fastest route. And if it takes you into a traffic jam, that one is on Waze.
4. Mr. Play it safe was afraid to fly, he packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye, he waited his whole damn life to take that flight, and as the plane crashed down he thought “well isn’t this nice” – Really feel for the family here. How cavalier is this guy, though? Dude is a bigger head case than Larry David, and right before he dies, all he’s thinking is “isn’t this nice?” I mean come on amigo, you’re about to crash! How are you not thinking about your wife and kids?! Gotta think this guy was a weirdo. Waited until he had kids to get on a plane? Psycho move. Take a vacation for me, one time. Still, plane crashes are scary AF. This situation is shitty.
3. Death row pardon two minutes too late – If the guy is guilty, then this for sure is way too high. But if he’s innocent…wow. Innocence Project coming in late, just a terrible situation. But this death row guy had years to clear his name and he procrastinated. Waited to the last minute. And it fucked him. Shouldn’t have even been in this situation in the first place. End of the day, though, this is just flat out depressing.
2. Meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife – How often do we meet someone we know is probably perfect for us and then we meet their significant other. That’s soul crushing. You could certainly make the case for this at number one. But just because there’s a goalie….I mean, hey, maybe this beautiful wife is a nightmare to live with. Maybe she’s a stale cracker in the sack. But we all want what we can’t have, and it’s terrible.
1. Rain on your wedding day – This has to be every girl’s biggest fear in life. Worst situation imaginable. They dream up their perfect day for years, plan it meticulously, spend their own dad’s savings on the most spectacular event, and oh my Tom Brady, if it fucking rains, life as we know it ceases to exist. I’m shocked everyone just doesn’t have their wedding in the desert. .
Image via YouTube