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It’s that time of the year again! Each new September brings a wash of nostalgia replete with memories of freshly cleaned hallways, new school clothes, and fallen leaves crunching underfoot. These memories have now been replaced with a sad office supplies cabinet, wrinkled shirts, and an extended summer because cooler temperatures appear later and later each year.
Yes indeed, it’s back-to-school time again! And just because you’re still a few credits short of your degree and have defaulted on your outstanding loans, that’s no excuse for not participating in the #SZN that promotional emails have been bombarding you for. After all, who better to appreciate back-to-school than a postgraduate professional such as yourself?
Basically everyone, that’s who. Enjoy Facebook Memories blasting pictures from Rush 2K15 at you.
Anyway, let’s take a look at the hottest trends for postgrads to take advantage of back-to-school season!
Write a threatening letter to your school board!
These pieces of shit all got letters after their names, and got degrees from schools that require “more than two years” and are not “mandated treatment by the state,” so they think they know every goddamn thing. It’s your duty as a concerned citizen to let them know that many Americans sided with the Anabaptists during the Muenster Rebellion, and that all triangles are shiftless and untrustworthy.
Let’s be honest, you didn’t excel in any of the STEM courses, but don’t let that hold you back from achieving your dreams! Your dream is to get fucked up, by the way. So take any one of the empty bottles you have laying around, dump in a cup of sugar and a couple of teaspoons of yeast. Fill the rest with water, shake it up good, and close the lid with just enough give to let some gas escape. Wait about a week, and then enjoy!*
*You won’t enjoy this, but you won’t remember it either.
At this point you’re no longer allowed back in your local mall, so head on over to that one strip mall that still has a Mervyn’s. Similar to the velociraptors in the first Jurassic Park, you’re going to want to test out the defenses, so from time to time toss a garment or two towards the door until you find out which one of the theft detectors is out of order (there’s always going to be at least one). Then load up your arms with as much off-white non-brand apparel you can carry and take off through it.
PRO TIP: Go in barefoot and put on some new comfy shoes to maximize your booty collection.
By which I mean give or receive a hand job. I mean why not, shake things up a bit.
Show Some Teacher Appreciation!
You’ve probably got a few friends in the education sector, and it’s high time you show them you respect their contribution to society. So pick out your most attractive male education professional, make your way into his school, then write “I [fellated] [male friend’s name]” in purple sharpie in a girls’ bathroom. The ensuing investigation will make him feel like he’s finally getting the attention he deserves.
So there you have it! After accomplishing these tasks you can comfortably return to your fluid open office plan, and outline your speech for the upcoming career day, where you will give a cost/benefit analysis of lottery tickets versus college expenses. Hooray!.
Image via Shutterstock