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Girl 1: Heyyyyyyy
Girl 2: I was JUST texting you.
(She wasn’t just texting her.)
Girl 1: Excited for the Sarah’s wedding this weekend?
Girl 2: Ugh, yeah, I have so much to do before then though.
Girl 1: Can I ask you, like, kind of a big favor?
Girl 2: Yeah, what’s up?
Girl 1: Do you, like, have a dress I can borrow?
Girl 2: For the wedding?
Girl 1: Yeah, I have like, NOTHING in my closet.
(Girl 1 has a separate bedroom that she’s made into a walk-in closet, filled with clothes ranging from 2007 to 2016.)
Girl 2: Probably! It’s formal, right?
(“Probably” means “I’m going to pretend I do but I know that if you borrow it, I’ll never see it again so don’t bet on it.”)
Girl 1: Yep, and I can’t show up looking like a fucking vagrant like I did for Jessica Fletcher’s wedding last month.
Girl 2: Well the only long one I have is the black one I wore to Emily’s wedding, but Jen is borrowing that right now. I’m between two dresses, one’s short and the other one is long. I’m sure I have something for you though. I talked to Katie last week and she has an amaze long black one that she wore to Elizabeth’s wedding in July, but it’s more like knee length so it may not be as formal as you want.
Girl 1: Are you sure about Katie’s? Because that sounds, like, sooooo me. I wore a similar one for Brooke’s wedding in September, but there are already a million photos of me in it so I’d rather die than wear it again.
Girl 2: Hehehe
Girl 1: I might see if I can borrow the one Victoria wore to Katie’s wedding, but I think she borrowed that from Claire who I haven’t talked to in, like, forever. Do you have anything that I could wear?
Girl 2: I’ve got one that’s got a high neck and then mesh in the back with a halter-y top…
(The inclusion of the “…” signals that Girl 2 would rather die in a fire than let Girl 1 borrow her halter top dress with a high neck and mesh back.)
Girl 1: That sounds supes cute, did you wear that to Melissa’s wedding last year?
Girl 2: I did but in a different color that was more summer-y.
(Girl 2 received numerous compliments at Melissa’s wedding, so she bought the same dress in two additional colors only to never wear either of them again for fear of people noticing.)
Girl 1: Okay, I, like, might try that.
Girl 2: What else were you thinking of wearing this weekend?
(It does not matter what Girl 1 responds with, because Girl 2 will immediately urge her to wear whatever Girl 1 says.)
Girl 1: I was thinking of wearing this nude sequin dress that I wore to my cousin’s wedding, I don’t think anyone’s seen that one yet. Do you know which one I’m talking about? Slash, if you do know which one I’m talking about, do you think it’s appropes?
Girl 2: The one with the fringed bottom? I think I know which one you’re talking about but I might be thinking of Katie’s from Jessica’s wedding. Ugh, I wish Katie didn’t have your dress from that wedding because I coveted that.
(Girl 2 doesn’t think it’s appropriate, which is why she’s pretending she’s not sure which dress Girl 1 is referring to. Girl 2 is also praying that Girl 1 does not send a photo to clarify which dress it is, at which point she’s either going to have to say she doesn’t like it or lie to avoid confrontation.)
Girl 1: Are you thinking of Alice’s from Sarah’s, or Sarah’s from Megan’s?
Girl 2: I must be thinking about Alice’s from Sarah’s wedding, idk.
Girl 1: Here’s a pic, it’s the one I have on.
(Girl 1 includes a photo of the exact dress Girl 2 envisioned.)
Girl 2: OMG, yeah, that’s supes cute! Love that.
(Girl 2 doesn’t like the dress, but it’s easier for her to lie than tell her it’s not cute. Plus, the less cute Girl 1 looks, the cuter Girl 2 will look.)
Girl 1: Right? It’s like, formal but fun. You don’t think it’s too short, do you?
(Girl 1 doesn’t care if Girl 2 thinks it’s too short, because she’s wearing it regardless. The only reason she asked Girl 2 if she had anything she could borrow for the wedding was to scare off Girl 2 from borrowing anything from her.)
Girl 2: It’s like on the formal side of short so you should look phenom.
(She’s lying.)
Girl 1: Thx! I’ll look in my closet for you when I get home and let you know what I have.
(Girl 1 will not look in her closet when she gets home, nor will she reach out to Girl 2 unless Girl 2 asks to borrow something again before the wedding.)
Girl 2: Thank you soooo much.
(Girl 2 knows she needs to ask someone else.)
Girl 1: Of course! Any time.
(Read: “Never ask me to borrow something again. I will never forget September 2013 when you ruined my dress at Veronica’s bachelorette party.”) .
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
Oh my god. What is wrong with women.
Conversation for dudes:
Guy 1: Hey, can I borrow your suit for that wedding we are being dragged to?
Guy 2: Dude, WTF?
Stock image woman – WOULD
How do you know these things?
If I ever date a woman who talks like this, it’s either because she’s way out of my league looks-wise or she’s blackmailing me.
Will, these are so spot on they make my head spin
As Dave edited it, he chatted me, “This is making my head explode.”
Same thoughts. Woof. Thank you for being a brave enough anthropologist to shed light on this social crisis.
A text conversation between the bffs of the heroine from TGDAG?
I can’t tell what killed more brain cells – reading this or my Saturday night this past weekend.
Thanks for getting me to laugh after the brutal Pats loss…