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I haven’t had a Lunchable since I was in middle school. I don’t understand people my age who still eat these things. I saw someone tweeting the other day about how much they loved heating up pizza Lunchables in their microwave acting like it was some sort of goddamn delicacy. This was an adult, mind you. Someone who is more than capable of just ordering a real live pizza. They’re fucking gross. I was always a big fan of my mom making me turkey sandwich before school with a Ziploc of chips. But obviously, that didn’t happen every day. Lunchables happened on days when my mom and dad didn’t have time to make me and my sister lunch before work. We sure as shit couldn’t be asked, as 10-year-olds, to make our own lunches. Preposterous. But it got me thinking about school lunch so here’s a list of some of the garbage you more than likely shoveled into your mouth from ages 5-13 years old.
Lunchables Turkey and Cheddar
The Turkey and Cheddar Lunchables are the GOAT, in my opinion. No frills, just meat, cheese, and crackers, baby. I personally thought they could have given you a larger piece of candy but I guess a fun size crunch bar is better than nothing. A Lunchables Turkey and Cheddar gives you clout amongst your peers at an elementary school lunch table. Yeah, I know you’re not the cock of the walk with a Turkey and Cheddar. You’re not the kid with leftover pizza from home or that asshole who would have his mom bring him McDonalds every day. But you also weren’t the chump with a PB and J and a school milk. You roll in with a Turkey and Cheddar Lunchable, maybe a Capri Sun Strawberry Kiwi Roarin’ Waters, and a Ziploc full of peanut butter filled pretzels, you’re golden. That’s a lunch-and-a-half right there.
Lunchables Mini Burgers or Hot Dogs
Everyone had a kid at their lunch table who would eat anything for the right price. If you and your boys could scrounge up three or four bucks between you, this kid would drink a Powerade bottle full of mashed potatoes, milk, Cheetos — literally anything you could concoct he would eat if you gave him some money. Well, that’s the kid that was rolling into lunch at 10:45 a.m. with Lunchables Mini Burgers. You have to be an abject psychopath to enjoy eating these things. I think if you came up to 10-year-old me and offered me a Lunchables mini burger box I’d opt for no lunch at all. So gross. Just imagine the beef that was in those things. Mad cow disease, anyone?
P.S. How dumb was it that school administrators were making us eat lunch before 11:00 a.m.? This is school, not prison. I’m not going to be hungry for a turkey sandwich and potato chips before noon. Like, yeah, let’s feed these kids an hour and half after they’ve arrived at school. There’s no way they’ll be hungry again by noon!
Lunchables Ultimate Nachos Mega Pack
Woah, move over for the goddamn King of England. You bring an ultimate nachos mega pack to school and you’re basically treated as an adult at the lunch table. You’ve got some government cheese sauce, salsa that more than likely was not approved by the FDA, and a can of pop! Do you ever remember kids in your elementary school bringing pop in their lunches? No, of course, you don’t. Because that would be a death wish. Imagine a couple hundred kids drinking bootleg RC-Colas ripping around the school at 11:00 in the morning. It’d be anarchy. Which is probably why this particular Lunchable was like ten bucks and you rarely saw them unless there was a field trip or some other faux-special occasion like a birthday.
Lunchables Pizza
Fire up the outrage machine. EVERYONE likes Lunchables pizza, right? Wrong, because I definitely do not. Please explain what is so good about a piece of bread, some lukewarm marinara, three pepperonis (four, if you’re lucky), and a handful of mozzarella cheese? I get that a child’s palette isn’t very evolved but I can’t believe I ever willingly wanted to eat this abomination of a lunch. I think it was all in the packaging because when you’re at the store with Mom the Lunchables quite literally jump off the shelf at you.
In hindsight, I probably should have just eaten more school lunches as a kid. There were obviously days when I would opt for “hot lunch” over something from home (say Dominos Pizza Fridays or Rotisserie chicken/mashed potatoes) but they were few and far between. That stuff always looked so unappetizing to me. The transition from elementary school lunches to middle and high school lunches was HUGE by the way. My high school didn’t allow us to leave for lunch, but by cafeteria standards they had a hook up. Basket of fries, maybe some bosco sticks, and lemon-lime Powerade. Book it. Every day of the week. If I ate that menu everyday now I’d look like the Michelin Man. .
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jduda@grandex.co
I didn’t have lunchables because my mother loved me
I didn’t either but they were all I wanted.
I relate to closely to this, it was sandwich and chips most every day and my pops would whip that shit up every morning like an all star
My mother-in-law actually convinced my wife when she was a young kid that lunchables were poisonous. She did the same thing with pop tarts. Talk about going some great lengths to keep your kids from eating junk.
I eat lunch at 11AM every day. You should try it. People come in to my office, see I’m eating lunch, and say they’ll come back later. Then they go to lunch from 12-1. Basically, I get a 2 hour lunch every day as a result. I call it “eating on East Coast time” which pisses everyone off.
I eat at 1 most days. You get the benefit of slacking off while other people eat, plus the afternoon feels way shorter.
I do the same. It’s as close to Heaven as you can get in a cubicle.
that’s genius…..
People leave you alone when you eat lunch?
I am a glutton, so my favorite Lunchables were the pizza packages that included a “Dessert Pizza” you could make using chocolate frosting as the sauce and M & Ms as a topping. It’s nothing short of a miracle that I have not developed diabetes yet.
Fruitopia was the go-to drink in my HS
SqueezIt4lyfe
Were those kinda like the kool-aid bottles with the plastic top that you’d twist off? Shit was right up there with chubbies
what is fruitopia
Dude, you missed out. It was a fruit-flavored drink. A soda/juice concoction. I loved it, but apparently America did not, it was discontinued in 2003.
There are some McDonalds which still sell it as a fountain pop! Definitely a guilty pleasure.
Strawberry Fruitopia is my go-to at McDonald’s these days.
It’s a miracle I still have teeth when Fruitopia was 50¢ a can in elementary school. 60 grams of sugar to the face will turn a 9 year old into the face of ADHD
What percentage of readers are going to buy one Lunchable at the grocery store this week only to realize how shitty those things are?
0.065 percent according to my data
Eating lunchables at your desk for lunch. PGP
If you didn’t prepare your pizza with sauce and cheese and repeat this method to create a triple decker Lunchable, you did it wrong.
Somebody closeline this hater off his high horse and hit him with the people’s elbow. Lunchables also happen to be perfect for float trips and days on the water, but your dracula-like paleness says you wouldn’t know about that.
Many a diarrhea episodes began with the taco Lunchables.
I would get the occasional turkey and cheddar lunchable. But honestly, the treats I would get in homemade lunches were way better. Any day with a Little Debbie oatmeal cream pie, fruit by the foot, swiss cake roll, or fruit gushers was a great day, not to mention it made you the star of the lunch table.
Gushers were currency in elementary school
Big Texas Cinnamon Rolls were the equivalent to crack at my school.