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Here we go. It’s night two of a two-night special. You know, if we make enough of an uproar, we could eventually get ABC to give us a seven-night The Bachelor special.
The First One-On-One Date
The show began with a one-on-one date with Becca. I’m not saying Chris’s dates with Becca are boring and uneventful, but these are always the best times of the show to refill your bowl of chips, go to the bathroom, check the score of the game on ESPN, do your taxes, get a root canal, or do anything else you can think of.
Britt Says She’s Leaving
Back at the house, all of the girls except for Britt were sitting around and talking smack on Britt. Then Britt walked in and told the girls that she was all packed up because she was leaving before the rose ceremony. No one believed her.
The girls totally called her bluff and told her that she would change her mind — or, at least, the sunset would change her mind again.
The Rose Ceremony
Right before Chris began handing out the roses, Britt interrupted and asked Chris if she could speak to him for a minute, so Chris pulled her outside. I assumed they were both trying to sneak in one more Big & Rich concert before the rose ceremony, but instead, Britt sat Chris down and apologized to him for the night before. She then asked Chris if he had anything to say to her. That’s just mean, Britt. We all know Chris has a hard time putting together coherent sentences.
This conversation eventually led to Chris sending Britt home. At this point, I started to wonder why they even have the rose ceremony anymore. Chris just sends girls home whenever he pleases.
Of course, Britt getting sent home led to some really loud crying. On “the unofficial Bachelor loudness scale,” it ranked just louder than Ashley I. crying, but not quite as loud as Kelsey’s fake panic attack moaning.
Chris then walked back inside to complete the rose ceremony.
Whitney
Jade
Kaitlyn
and…
Becca
Sorry, Carly, but you have to go home. Let’s face it, those cruise ship guests aren’t going to entertain themselves.
I must admit, though, the biggest injustice this show ever did was not send arch-rivals Britt and Carly home in the same limo. That could’ve been an entire episode by itself.
Becca’s Hometown – Shreveport, Louisiana
Ah, beautiful Shreveport, Louisiana: home of the world famous Independence Bowl and Becca.
When Chris and Becca arrived at her house, Becca’s family went on and on about how Chris was the first boy she brought home and how they’ve never even seen Becca with a boy and how up until her seventeenth birthday, they thought she WAS a boy. It was weird.
Becca’s hometown date ended with Chris taking her to the state fair and kissing her on the Ferris wheel. I’ll be honest, all of that kissing on a Ferris wheel really made me miss Marissa Cooper. Rest in peace, girl.
Whitney’s Hometown – Chicago, Illinois
Whitney’s hometown is some small town in Illinois called Chicago. She met Chris just outside the city and told him that she wanted him to see what a day in her life was like. She said, “so, let’s go make a baby,” and then winked. You could tell she had been practicing that line for hours.
She took Chris to her work at the fertility hospital. She talked about the process of her job and gave him a quick tour. She then started talking about “getting the male specimen.” She walked Chris into a room with a small cup and told him to get to work. Not sure if Whitney has ever seen this show or not, but couples don’t usually make babies until at least the fantasy suite date.
Whitney said that if he “needed help getting going” that there were some nudie magazines available, which meant that Jade could’ve potentially shown up on Whitney’s hometown date.
She then brought Chris home to meet her family. Whitney’s parents are not in her life, so Chris was required to ask her sister for her blessing, and for a moment, it seemed as if Whitney’s sister would be this season’s version of Desiree’s brother. When he asked, she said she would not give him her blessing until she knew that Whitney was the only girl for him, instead of having three other potential girlfriends.
It should be noted that Whitney’s sister’s name is Kimberly, which is short for Kimberly Jong-un.
Kaitlyn’s Hometown, kinda – Phoenix, Arizona
Kaitlyn is Canadian, but her parents live in Phoenix during the summers.
When Chris arrived, Kaitlyn brought him to a recording studio in the back of a strip mall. The only thing sketchier than the location of this “hip-hop” studio is nothing. The two of them sat down and tried rapping. Key word: tried.
Chris and Kaitlyn then went to meet her family, who was at home making maple syrup and watching hockey. During dinner, Kaitlyn’s mom pulled Kaitlyn aside to talk to her. During this conversation, they said the word “heart” a lot. Here’s a recap:
How’s your heart?
My heart is good.
Does he fill your heart?
He fills my heart. I just heart him.
You heart him?
Heart.
Favorite Canadian singer?
Corey Hart.
Heart.
Heart.
As if there weren’t enough hearts already, Kaitlyn took Chris to an outdoor billboard that read, “Kaitlyn [hearts] Chris.” Not to be nitpicky about her advertising, but a TV commercial would’ve reached a larger audience.
Jade’s Hometown – Gering, Nebraska
For Jade’s hometown date, she had a to-do list to complete while Chris was there. It read:
• Show Chris my hometown
• Introduce Chris to my family
• Tell Chris I used to pose for nudie magazines
• Maybe grab some hot cocoa after
Jade immediately took Chris to meet her family. Jade’s dad took Chris aside and gave him his blessing. Then Jade’s brother pulled Chris aside. Jade’s brother looks like every high school boy circa 2005. He had his extremely worn striped Hollister polo shirt, shaggy hair, and a patch of facial hair that he’ll regret ten years down the road. He told Chris that Jade is “a wild mustang,” which is just Nebraskan for “she posed for nudie magazines.”
After the family meeting, Jade took Chris to drop the news — or should I say drop the nudes, amirite?!
As Jade told him, she offered to show him the pictures. As she pulled out a laptop, Chris immediately turned awkward and began giggling like a six-year-old girl. They looked at photos and videos of Jade’s work, and unsurprisingly, nude Jade required fewer black censor bars than fully-clothed Jillian.
Side note: If Chris and Jade got married, do you think he would take her last name? “Ladies and gentlemen, with the power invested in me, it is now my honor to introduce to you for the first time, Mister and Miss July 2008!”
Chris admitted that he “finally got to see Jade out of her shell.” He meant that both figuratively and literally.
The Rose Ceremony
This is it. Roses went to:
Whitney
Kaitlyn
and…
Becca
Looks like Chris has turned the page on Jade. Did you see what I did there? Because Jade was in nudie magazines.
Until next week….
Image via Shutterstock
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Austin Huff
Austin wears pants every day. He is also the founder of KorkedBats.com.
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@AustinHuff
Austin… You are killin the recaps every week. Therefore, I nominate you to provide a recap of 50 shades of grey from a guy. I look forward to your review.
I don’t even have to see that 50 shades, and I still think that would be hilarious.
WHY DID THESE STOP?!
Team Kaitlyn, FTW
RIP Team Jade, she will be missed
agreed. I thought that even with the nudie pics, she was still the cutest and most normal.