A Pragmatic Guide To Drinking On A Weeknight

A Pragmatic Guide To Drinking On A Weeknight

Be smart about this. If you’re reading this, you’re either desperately in search of a two minute time kill, or you’re a lost soul that’s desperately seeking guidance. Or maybe you just like to drink, and you need the justification. No judgment either way. Are you thinking, “I don’t need some Internet guy telling me how to drink” yet? Because if you are, I’m not offended. In a perfect world, you won’t need any guidance. But both you and I know that the occasional pep talk can help you get your edge back.

Don’t Strikeout Looking

As you may be aware, Thursday night used to be a staple. I won’t waste your time reminding you about how fantastic Thursday nights used to be. This isn’t about nostalgia. This is about the present. You may not be looking to max out, but you’d at least like to step up to the plate and swing the bat a little bit. Just because you’re a company man with middle-management aspirations doesn’t mean you have to watch the game from the dugout.

Mix It Up

You can get out there. In fact, you need to get out there. If you’re single, you’re way more likely to meet someone on a weeknight. The bars are packed on the weekend and nobody wants to fuck with that. I’ve been out of the game for a little while, but I’m still dialed in enough to know that my buddies clean up on the happy hour scene. Well, some of them. Actually, it’s like one dude. Still a valid point, though.

I do, however, remember this much: Dudes try way too hard on the weekend. A coworker of mine recently told me that one of his buddies sent a text saying, “I wanna get some pussy this weekend.” Come on, now. First of all, don’t call your shot like that. You’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. Unfortunately for many, that’s a common mindset for dudes on a weekend. You don’t want anything to do with that. Women know this, and they’re ready for it.

Put down the phone. Stop relying on Tinder, Grindr, Hinge, or Bumble, and go have a conversation with a random. Perfect your communication skills, dog.

5 Beer Limit

This is more of a guideline as opposed to a bright-lined rule. Obviously, the number is subject to change depending on a laundry list of considerations:

∙ Are you a great big fat person?
∙ How quickly are you pounding these?
∙ How poorly did you sleep last night?
∙ Did you drive?
∙ Do you have a massive pile of shit waiting to greet you tomorrow morning?
∙ Do you have to make eye contact with anyone important tomorrow?
∙ What’s going on this weekend? (You really shouldn’t put the pedal to the metal on a weeknight if you have a big weekend planned)

Five beers is my absolute cutoff. Don’t finish that six pack. Leave one in the chamber for God’s sake. This roughly equates to three vodka waters or two whiskey sodas. There will come a moment, probably after drink number two, that you ask yourself, “How hard can I reasonably take this without putting my career in jeopardy?” That’s a little dramatic, but you should have an internal governor that senses when you’re starting to roll downhill. After every drink, you should ask yourself the following:

∙ Where does this lead?
∙ Do I have a chance in hell of getting laid?
∙ Is this worth being hungover in a meeting?

I like to think in terms of worst case scenario. Sure, you may not have anything important scheduled tomorrow, but you never know what may pop up. Odds are that you’ll go in, put headphones on, and glide gently into the weekend. But what if one of your accounts has an emergency and you have to go into crisis management mode? If you’re a true jedi, a little headache and lethargy won’t stop you from executing, but if you’re just a young apprentice, you could be looking at a full blown panic attack.

Remember this: If you want the ultimate, you’ve got to be willing to pay the ultimate price.


Even if you have no intention of participating in something that could be remotely construed as networking, you can always use it as a justification. People don’t network on weekends because people don’t want to talk business on weekends. But weeknights are a different animal. If you’re one of those blessed souls who can leave any work related thought at the office as soon as you exit, then A.) fuck you, and B.) this doesn’t apply to you.

For most, the gut punches of the daily grind are still fresh on our minds. If opportunity arises for you to look important and talk a little business over drinks, you should take it. You’ll feel important, max out your confidence, and you’ll feel less guilty the next morning as you curse yourself for breaking the five drink rule.

Know When The Game Is Over

Everyone struggles with this one. You think you’re doing fine because you’ve only had four beers, but you’ve failed to consider that you only slept for three hours last night. You look hammered, and people are starting to wonder if they should cut you off. Yeah, that means it’s time to go. Other signs:

∙ Someone says you look creepy.
∙ You just caught yourself staring at complete strangers.
∙ You finished beer number five.
∙ Your buddy bought shots.
∙ She went home.
∙ There are rumblings about going to another bar.

I’m not saying you can’t go to another bar, but do so at your own peril. When the time comes, apply strict scrutiny, and always assume shots will be involved. Your friends want to go to another bar because they aren’t satisfied with the night thus far, so you can bet they will purchasing whatever trendy shots the kids are drinking now. It’s like clockwork. Beware.

Drink responsibly, friends.

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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