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On Sunday, I tuned in and watched the second presidential debate. After an hour and a half of hearing both candidates dodge questions, they were finally tossed up such a softball question that they had no other option than to clearly answer it. That last question was, “Regardless of the current rhetoric, would either of you name one positive thing that you respect in one another?”
Both candidates took their respective routes mustering up the courage to find one thing they respect about one other. But what if someone had the guts to ask the question we all deserved to hear. The one question that when asked, may have actually gotten an honest answer. What if someone had asked, “What’s the quality you least respect about your opponent?”
While we’ll never have the opportunity to know what truly may have happened, here’s a short plausible, but fictional, recap of what could have happened.
Anderson Cooper begins this story quickly stating, “It looks like we have time for one more question.”
A man stands up and goes, “You all have talked so much shit this year, what’s the thing you least respect ’bout each other?”
The room gasps and suddenly goes silent. For a split second, you may actually think neither candidate would answer the question. That’s when you hear, “I believe she got to answer first last time, I’ll take this one, Anderson.”
Donald says, “Listen, this has been a really nasty campaign. Nasty! You’ve seen the ads she’s been running about me, I’ve seen them, we’ve all seen them. They’re trash. Complete trash. Not a lot of nice things, not nice at all. But the thing I lease respect? That’s going to be tough to pick just one in two minutes, people. But the thing I respect the least, besides deserving to be in jail, she’s a flat out liar. Plain as that. She lies, and trust me I have the best fact checkers looking at her. The best, the best you’ve ever seen. They check facts so good, it’s crazy how good they check facts, and you know what they tell me? She’s a dirty liar.”
A stunned audience looks around.
Finally, a heated Hillary stands up. “Well, Donald, I think the only thing that needs checking is your head. This delusional man, who often lives in his own reality, doesn’t know his head from his locker room-loving ass. And the thing I respect about the least about this trash, besides his weekly media PR disaster, would be the fact that this man is so delusional is that he’s a liar. Feel free to get the facts at HillaryClinton.com.”
At this point, a shocked audience witness Donald and Hillary both start devolving the debate into a yelling match. The crowd can be heard jeering like a Jerry Springer show. Eventually Hillary yells, “This is why he doesn’t have the temperament and resolve for this responsibility!”
Something inside Donald snaps. He burns a reddish orange and shoves Hillary to the ground screaming, “I’ll show you temperament you HUUGGEE BITCH!”
The crowd gasps in shock and awe.
“Look at her, she can’t even handle that. And you think she’s healthy enough for a presidency?” Donald asks the crowd.
Hillary then gets up and counters with a swift uppercut sending Donald onto the floor where he lays dazed by the connection before bellowing, “HEALTHY ENOUGH TO KNOCK YOUR ASS OUT! YOU’RE FIRED!”
In the meantime, Bill grabs a steel chair and bashes Pence, who showed up at the last minute, WWE-style, escalating the entire debate into a full on brawl. As the scuffle unfolds onstage, Joe Rogan emerges from the crowd and sits next to Anderson Cooper and they begin to commentate on the fight.
Anderson and Raddatz, bewildered by the turn of events, look to Joe. Joe then turns to Anderson, “See that. Look at the technique Pence is using to work his way out of that arm bar. He’s just using brute homophobic force to shake that off…”
Suddenly, the lights shut off. The candidates and their supporters stop and look around in bewilderment. DMX’s “What’s My Name” begins to blast over the speakers. From the back of the room, you see Gary Johnson with joint hanging from the edge of his mouth followed by his entourage of Drew Carey and Bill Weld. Gary takes one huge hit and then flicks the joint to the side and rushes the stage with his crew, diving right into the melee.
“Well it looks like we have a surprise third candidate here tonight…” a shell-shocked Anderson mutters out.
Gary then grabs a mic and screams, “Hey America! I took a minute from live tweeting the debate to leave it in a surplus. A surplus of ass-kicking, like my home state of New Mexico!” before dropkicking a random Clinton aide scrambling to regain control of the mic.
Just when things couldn’t get any weirder, Jill Stein’s lifeless body crashes down from the rafters like Owen Hart, landing with a loud thud in the center of the debate stage. Nobody seems to notice this and the brawl continues on. An earth-shattering cry echoes, “STOOOOP!!!!”
Everyone freezes and looks to see where that booming voice came from. There stands the hero America needed: Ken Bone.
“Can’t you see what you’re all doing?! I came here as an undecided voter, and this? This is how you think you’ll earn my vote? Turning one of the most important decisions of this great nation’s government into a pissing match about likability and fact checks?! I came here for answers on what any of you would do to better this country, and this is what you had for me? I’m disgusted.”
The candidates look around at each other in a moment of disbelief, disgusted and shocked everything had come this far. That is, until Robert De Niro crept out from backstage and charged Trump, punching him in the face, and once again escalating the debate into a full on brawl.
The camera pans in on Martha, Anderson, and Joe.
“Well, it looks like we’ve run out of time tonight… God help us all. And now a word from our sponsors.” Martha Raddatz states.
The camera slowly pans out to show the future leaders of America and their supporters brawling on a National stage before cutting to that one Natty Light commercial. .