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Dear Postmates,
Hey there. It’s your girl, Kendra. I just wanted to take a quick second and thank you for being you. We don’t get enough genuine appreciation in the fast paced, greedy, self-centered world of 2015 so this is me saying you, Postmates, are a true, true treasure. In the sea of useless apps, you have emerged like a shining, beacon of hope. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for existing.
Few people in this world know me like you do. Right off the bat when I open your sweet app, you greet with me my familiar faves and also $4.99 specials you think I might enjoy. You know I love a bargain, and a five dollar burrito delivered right to my door is not just a bargain, it’s badass. You don’t judge me for creating complex orders with declarations of, “I’ll try something new for a change,” only to jump right back to the same Mexican restaurant and go with old faithful. You know there’s comfort in consistency, and that is a gift.
You encourage the laziness in me that others attempt to shame. When I get home after a long day and can’t seem to find the motivation to turn on the oven or run to Target for more Brita filters, you’re right there for me. You don’t raise your eyebrows and quip, “Target is only a 20-minute walk, KENDRA.” Your little bike icon merely spins and with a little blip, you go and get everything for me, no questions asked. There’s no sarcasm, no condescending comments, just a couple of taps and all is right with the world.
I love when I get to introduce you to my friends and watch them fall in love with you, too. “You can get anything delivered? Like anything anything?” And their eyes will fill with wonder as we compile a list containing goodies with everything from Jack-In-The-Box to Whole Foods. Some loves are meant to be monogamous, but you, Postmates? I’m all about that poly life and spreading the good news.
Sometimes I get way too overwhelmed with technology and want to go live in the woods with nothing but dial-up and an old Motorola Razr. But you, Postmates, you remind me why 2015 is an amazing time to be alive. I sent you to pick up my new iPhone for me and then you stopped for a cupcake before swiftly dropping it off at my work. I not only didn’t have to deal with the goddamn Apple Store (which even the thought of brings me to heart palpitations and a migraine), I got a treat too! And all for the cost of $4.50 plus delivery. That is truly incredible.
Each time an iOS update comes up I scramble to make room on my phone and inevitably, some apps don’t make the cut. Kim Kardashian Hollywood? Girl, bye. Lyft? Please, I only use Uber. WebMD? Someone with as much anxiety as I have does not need a self-diagnosing machine just a tap and a buffer page away. But you always make the cut, Postmates. You and my 1100 photos go with me from update to update, sea to shining fucking sea.
I guess what I’m trying to say, Postmates, is that I think I’m in love. You took a girl who didn’t really care about having a smartphone aside from being able to send gifs and access YouTube from the palm of her hand and made her an unapologetic app lover.
You keep doing you, Postmates. And never change.
See you in 30 minutes with my tacos and dog treats.
Love,
Kendra .
Image via YouTube
Respond
Kendra Syrdal
Once in college John Cusack asked Kendra to sing for him. She said no. Visit her website to ogle at her face and send hate mail // kendrasyrdal.com
@kendrasyrdal
@kendrasyrdal
ksyrdal
Dear Kendra,
Stop sending me these letters. It’s getting creepy and my wife doesn’t appreciate it.
-Postmate.
So many, incorrectly, placed commas, Kendra.
Coming soon:
10 reasons why Kendra loves postmates.
And then a month from now: 17 reasons why Kendra is over Postmates
Unfortunately, there’s a surprising lack of material here to make fun of. It kills me to say this, but, Kendra, not a bad job, I guess?
She’s learning to package her complaints differently (I really wish I could use a Jurassic Park reference here but Kara is unworthy). Just scratch down below the surface and this piece is, at its core, a sad window into the life of a hermit.
Clever Girl
Random question, but why Uber over Lyft? Lyft treats their drivers like humans, has an overall more functional and reliable app, doesn’t have the same vulgar media presence or history of misogyny and repeatedly violating their passengers and offering nothing more than a virtual shoulder shrug as apology. Whenever I take an uber the driver talks about how bad the app and company sucks but more people use it so they continue to drive.
It’s no surprise Kara would appreciate anything that leads to her overall demise of being useful in society. Better tell your postmates to pick up some alloe vera for that one
This was a good article and I enjoyed it.
Here we see Aragorn rallying the warriors of Gondor and Rohan before the black gates or Mordor. In the speech Aragorn rallies his troops, who face what seems to be certain doom. He cries out in a frenzy that one day the age of Men shall pass but, “Today is not that day”. At first I was confused but when paired with the comment up top I slowly got the joke. Really solid effort with the first gif of the day. Keep this commenter in sight as this gif may prove to be a sleeper pick for Gif of the week.
Kendra is Gollum.
“Dog treats” – do we keep getting subtle hints that Kara is Todd’s gf?
ok wait…what am i missing? who is kara?
Someone a little while back in the comments decided to call Kendra “Kara”…
got it… thanks
My city doesn’t have postmates, am I still allowed to make fun of Kendra, or was this a good article?