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Dear Time Warner Cable,
How awesome was last night’s episode of Dexter? Oh that’s right. You cut off Showtime, because you’re the worst cable provider in the history of television. Shit, you might be the worst company in the history of organized business. The first caveman to sell the secret of fire to other cavemen did a better job of providing customer service than you morons.
I’ve spent countless nights lying awake in bed, imagination swimming with wild theories on what could possible be happening in the world of Dexter. For all I know, Mr. Morgan was killed off weeks ago in a brutal murder-suicide executed by Debra, and now the show’s plot revolves around Angel Batista’s love life.
By the way, my bill this month was $198.05 for cable and internet. Why? I have no fucking idea. I would access my account online to find out how I’m being charged over $50 more than usual when not even receiving Showtime, but my “TWC ID is no longer active,” so I can’t sign in. How convenient.
I could probably call, belittle one of your soulless employees, threaten to cancel my account, and promptly receive a discount for next month, but would it be worth the excruciating 45-minute phone call? I’m fairly certain that when you evil bastards give a discount, you make a note on that account to recover your losses a few months later with a totally random raise in rates.
I would’ve switched to a different provider years ago, but you’re the only one available in my area. You were the only one available at my previous residence as well. I hate you so much, you monopolistic sons of bitches. You are everything that is wrong with America. I blame you exclusively for 9/11, the recession, and male pattern baldness.
It must be glorious to have AT&T U-verse. I bet they have impeccable service, free NFL RedZone, maybe even some awesome porn channels that I don’t even know about.
Fuck you, Time Warner Cable. Fuck you twice.
Sincerely,
Every Customer You’ve Ever Had
Respond
Ross Bolen
Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.
@WRBolen
@WRBolen
WRBolen
TW is fucking terrible. When I last had it in 2006 its on-demand was something out of 1995.
In the Northeast, Comcast is equally as bad. Just fucking awful. they ripped my home apart in Philadelphia installing it and I had no other options until I moved to the ‘burbs and Verizon Fios just opened up. Oh Fios, how awesome you were. I’m back down South and stuck with Charter now. Not as bad as TW and Comcast, but not great either.
FIOS PLEASE COME DOWN HERE! I BEG YOU!
They’re AT LEAST 5 years behind in technology in every way.
AT&T Uverse was pretty awesome. Had it for a year and I loved it. Good customer service, and every time I called to complain about not receiving channels or slow internet or some b.s., they always gave me free movie channels for a few months or discounted my next bill. They were great. I’m sorry for your troubles with TW.
If Time Warner Cable somehow ever goes out of business, I intend on having a barbecue, getting drunk and shooting off fireworks.
I will be bringing booze
I’m also missing Ray Donovan, which I was just starting to get into.
here’s how my perfect day goes: wake up, find out that every employee, executive, and associate of TWC has been jettisoned into the sun, and every one of their buildings has been dismantled and melted into a giant middle-finger statue, then i go back to sleep happy as a pig in shit.
TWC is the worst. I had to call 3 times to get my internet hooked up because they forgot to schedule the first installation and then TWICE did not send out the self-install kit that they said would be mailed to me the next day. What the fuck do these people do?
Google Fiber will be saving me from the hell that is Time Warner Cable in July 2013. Okay maybe not until August 2013. Okay maybe they’re behind schedule a little bit. Okay Google Fiber sucks too.
I’ll be happy to give you a reference for DirecTV in exchange for me getting $10 off my bill each month.
It’s the gift that keeps on giving…
Time Warner can suck my balls.
Its a government instituted monopoly, public use stuff so its really hard to get the clearance to break in.
However, not sure deregulation would work as the whole California energy fiasco, I’d say the government should take full over instead of licensing it out to weasels, but then I pay student loans to government organizations and pretty sure that they suck at anything.