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Dear Employees,
As “that bitch in charge of Human Resources,” (yeah, I overheard that, Greg), I feel the need to address the day after Thanksgiving. I’ve heard the scuttlebutt around the office about the fact that we’re open on Friday and you know what? I agree – it seriously sucks. You think I want to be here? Of course not, but I’m new and haven’t accrued enough vacation time to take today off, so I’ll be stuck here with all of you low-level plebeians. At least I can take solace in the fact that I’m senior management, so I sure as hell won’t be in on this day ever again.
But back to you. No, you can’t all have the day off because someone has to be here to answer the client calls we likely will not be getting. Per company policy, it’s up “to the discretion of your manager” whose vacation days are approved and whose are not. Right about now, you should be regretting that time your manager, Sandra, asked you to stay an hour late and you didn’t because you had to go home and sit on your ass. Pretty sure Sandra didn’t forget and she’s holding it against you now. It pays to be a team player, friends.
So let’s talk about how it’s going to go down in the office on Friday. I’m not a moron; I know you’re going to try and slide by doing as little work as possible. I know all of your tricks because I’ve employed all of them myself, and while I should say don’t try pulling any of that bullshit on me, the fact of the matter is that I really don’t give a crap what the hell you do. So let’s make a deal, shall we? You show up for work sometime around the time you’re supposed to, because I don’t want to have to spend my day writing attendance warnings, and in return, I’ll let you online shop and/or watch college football on your computer in peace. Deal? I’ve even convinced the bosses to let us order in pizza as a “reward” for working. I realize that’s a pretty shitty reward, but I figured it was a good idea, since all the restaurants in the office park are closed.
Bottom line: you’re going to be here on Friday, since you spent Thursday with your family eating turkey and pie, while celebrating how we stole the country from Native Americans.
Hope you had a happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Kind regards,
The HR Lady .
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
I’ll come in, but you can’t actually make me do stuff.
I know I lead the forefront of resistance against the existence of offices but seriously, enough is enough they’re such an eye sore and a waste of valuable space, resources, and energy consumption just so people can waste even more energy, resources, and time just to slowly die of boredom and irrelevant tasks all while communicating via digital means connected through the internet. Face time is the most overrated concept ever devised by the suit wearers. Why do you think Apple named its video communication app FaceTime. That’s it I’m running for President in 2020 so I can be assassinated for making too much sense with my awesome ideas…then I’ll never have to go to work again lol
Its just me and one other person in the office today. Planning to spend the day hanging up Christmas decorations and dipping out early
This article hits too close to home.