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Dear Employees,
This was a letter I had hoped to get through the month of March without having to write. I mean, I looked the other way when I saw most some of you streaming the games at your desks last Thursday and Friday. I even defended you to the Bill the IT guy when he was bitching that you were slowing down the system watching Duke hammer Iona because lord knows I had sequestered myself in my office to watch my beloved Gonzaga squeak by UNCG. Last week, we were all united in our love of college basketball and all was well.
But then you morons had to take it too far. Listen, all of us in senior management know you have a cash-bracket pool, and you know what? None of us give a shit. Yes, it’s illegal, but honestly, if that’s the most illegal thing you do during your time here, we’re all cool with it. Just don’t use the company email to place your bets, ok? I need some plausible deniability when state police come a’knocking after that guy we fired from operations last week rats us out.
So what’s the issue, you ask? Well, it’s that some of you were so upset about Virginia busting your bracket and your subsequent loss of cash that you vandalized Andy in Accounting’s cube simply because he went there. I know he’s a pretentious ass – seriously, how annoying is it that he calls it “grounds” instead of “campus?” – but it’s not his fault that you put $500 bucks on the Cavaliers and they shit the bed, which is the only way to describe losing by 20 to a school no one knew existed. Which, if you studied NCAA history, you would have known was actually pretty likely – the last time UVA was number one was 1982, and they lost that by being beat by Chaminade University of Honolulu. Learn how to Google, you idiots.
Please note that the office granola bar stock will be diminished this week since I had to use the petty cash to buy Andy a new pennant for his desk, since someone turned UVA into UVAgina with a permanent marker. And before you complain about the weird smell in the office – you can blame whoever put piss in Andy’s desk-top dehumidifier. You people are sick fucks…but I admire your creativity.
Lastly, because of your actions, “alma mater” day at the office on Friday is canceled, because god-forbid someone shows up in a Texas A&M or a Loyola Chicago sweatshirt. Our next employee event will be Hawaiian shirt day on Friday, April 6th – and before you ask, yes, I will send you home if you show up in a coconut bra.
Loyally,
The HR Lady .
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
Like all HR emails, tl;dr
UVAgina had me chuckle audibly in the bathroom stall.
UVAgina justifies the vandalizing.
If an HR rep uses profanity in an email, what HR rep can I complain to? It’s like HR Inception.
“if that’s the most illegal thing you do with your time here, we’re all cool with it” too real
Being a UMBC alum really made that third paragraph even sweeter.
Sorry, Mom
Savage.
This was good. I enjoyed this. Also, fuck Cincinnati.