A Hypothetical Conversation With My Girlfriend’s Dog

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Lila, Charlie, and Theo are laying in bed watching a movie. Theo is between the feet of Lila and Charlie, and as Charlie leans in for a kiss, Theo rushes forward to join, licking the face of both Charlie and Lila. Laughing, Lila feels her phone start ringing. Her sister is calling her, so she gets out of bed and exits the room to take the call.


Theo: Hello Charlie.


Charlie: What up, dog?


Theo: Funny.


Charlie: Sorry, just thought that would be a nice treat for your day.


Theo: Oh cool, another pun.


Charlie: Okay, okay, I get it. Barking up the wrong tree with the puns.


Theo: Dude.


Theo tries to bite Charlie’s hand. Charlie yanks it back and grabs Theo’s lower jaw.


Charlie: Hey! No biting! You know better than that!


Theo: Oh, fuck off.


Charlie: What the hell, dude?


Theo: What?


Charlie: Do you have some kind of beef with me?


Theo: (Starts chewing on his bone) I don’t know what you’re talking about, dude.


Charlie: Oh, so you try to bite me on accident all the time?


Theo: Well in fairness, that last time was because you were making puns.


Charlie: Still seems aggressive for some puns.


Theo: (Looking up from his bone) Dude, those were shitty puns.


Charlie: Okay, fair enough. But still! You bite me all the time. Hands, ankles, arms…one time you bit my face.


Theo: Yeah! I’m a dog! That’s what we do!


Charlie: No! Not good dogs!


Theo: Oh, so now all those times when you called me a good dog were lies?!


Charlie: Don’t twist my words like that, that’s not what I said.


Theo: Well judging from your tone, it seems like that’s what you meant.


Charlie: Okay, seriously, do you have a bone to pick with me?


Theo tries to bite Charlie again. Charlie pulls his hand back and points at Theo.


Charlie: That one wasn’t intentional, asshole.


Theo: Okay, you know what? You want to know what my problem with you is?


Charlie: Yes! I’ve honestly been wracking my brain trying to figure it out.


Theo: Do you remember the night we met?


Charlie: Sure.


Theo: You and my mom were messing around on those machines that you put on your legs?


Charlie: Yeah, we were working from home. People do that all the time.


Theo: And then you left…


Charlie: Yeah I had to head into my actual office for a while. So what?


Theo: And then you came back that night.


Charlie: Oh god.


Theo: Yeah…starting to come back now?


Charlie: Theo I honestly—


Theo: You honestly what, Charlie? Where you going with this?


Charlie: It was late at night, your mom and I had been talking for a while…Look I don’t know how to explain this to a dog, honestly.


Theo: I’M A DOG. I saw what you did and trust me, I understand the logistics of it. But dude…it was my mom. I was right there. In a crate. I couldn’t run away. I had to watch.


Charlie: Theo…I am so, so sorry.


Theo: Do you know what that feels like? I’m sure you know your parents have done that before, but you’ve never been in the same room when it’s going on.


Charlie: You’re right.


Theo: I know I am. I’m not the asshole in this situation.


Charlie: I know.


Theo: You are.


Charlie: I know.


Theo: Bad human.


Charlie: Okay, really?


Theo: Sorry, I had to. It’s been hounding me.


Charlie: What, so you can do puns and I can’t?


Theo: Don’t know what to tell you, man. Just funnier when I do it.


Charlie: Okay, well, I get it now. I’m sorry that you had to watch your mom and I…you know…


Theo: It’s okay dude. I get it. It just sucks sometimes, you know? Like you always joke about banging your friend’s mom, but you’re never going to actually do it. I thought we were bros but, like, it’s pretty clear where you stand now.


Charlie: I know, I know. Like I said, I’m really sorry. I feel terrible, and I really want to be buddies with you.


Theo: I get that. I’ll be real, I’m not there yet. I want to be. I want to be able to just, like, kick it with you. But it’s really hard to unsee what I saw.


Charlie: That’s really good to know. Thanks, man. It’ll take time, but I think we can get there.


Lila enters from the kitchen.


Lila: How are you boys doing in here?


Charlie: Much better. Feels like a weight has been lifted, you know?


Lila: Did…did something happen in here while I was gone?


Charlie: (Looks at Theo) Nothing too big. Just mending some broken bridges.


Theo rolls his eyes and tries to bite Charlie’s hand.

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Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at or whatever.

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