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Welcome back, all ten of you who are probably reading this. Thanks for keeping up, as it is getting harder and harder for me to write these without wanting to write Andy Cohen a strongly worded email about this cast.
So glad we didn’t start this episode where we left off, at the Mad Hatter event. Instead, we begin at Brandi’s house. Shocker. I don’t know why these producers are trying so hard to make Brandi happen; she is never going to happen. Plus, I just realized her husband looks like a used car salesman.
She is bitching that her husband is always away traveling but like, isn’t that the dream?
Oh man, I love how it switches over to LeeAnne’s ranch style house, which is far from a mansion. S’cute! And I love that Regular Joe Rich is just so IDGAF about everything and oh wow it is revealed that they met ONLINE. What a modern day love story. Can’t really talk, though. #bumblerocks. I hope they get married now, and I am actually rooting for them. Nvmd just found out Rich has been divorced twice. Sorry, LeeAnne. Rich has one daughter and LeeAnne seems like the stepmom from hell.
Of course, Brandi and Stephanie are going on a date night and are pretending to be 21. Also, I can’t really talk, though, as I am celebrating my 21st birthday for the 5th time this Friday.
Brandi: If Stephanie were a lesbian I would definitely marry her
Stephanie: Why are you so obsessed with me?
Cary shows up to meet Brandi and Stephanie at dinner, and they are a few bottles of champagne down. Thought we would get this one episode without hearing Brandi say “Jesus Juice” but nope, wrong. Cary is explaining all 3 of her marriages to the ladies and I have immediate anxiety listening to this.
Brandi: The thought of 3 husbands makes me want to be a lesbian
Cary married her first husband right out of college and they were “just too young.” K, nice excuse. Cary’s second husband just disappeared. Seriously. She says she came home from work one day and he was just gone. Is she not concerned? Where is he? Is he okay? Is he watching this show and laughing at her?
They decide that Cary deserves a bachelorette party because she never had one..after three weddings. HOW?!?!? The only reason I ever want to get married is so that I can have a bachelorette party. Shit, I want like three of them. Maybe even have one every year before we celebrate our anniversary for old time’s sake. Whatever, that’s totally normal.
Cary: This sounds like the beginning of a bad chick flick, nothing good happens at strip clubs it’s just like…t-bags
A live look at Brandi at this moment:
LeeAnne is at dinner with the stepdaughter and Rich. It’s weird. I am uncomfortable. Wait. LeeAnne bought the daughter BIRKENSTOCKS for her birthday and I immediately throw up in my mouth. Also, I wish I had video surveillance of LeeAnne shopping for Birkenstocks.
We go from LeeAnne’s awkward, innocent dinner to the three stooges at the strip club, La Bare. I am embarrassed to say that I have actually watched a complete documentary on this male strip club. This is a no judgment zone, okay?
Of course, Brandi gets on stage. The male stripper is dressed like a cowboy and she climbs onto his lap and starts thrashing. Thrashing. Whipping her hair around. Grinding on him while he holds her up. Giving HIM a lap dance. Putting on his cowboy hat and shimmying all over him.
I wish we could cut to her husband all alone in his hotel room.
LeeAnne and Tiffany hang out in LeeAnne’s backyard with dogs drinking wine with ice cubes in it. Sigh. Lisa Vanderpump would NEVER.
Why does Tiffany always wear a bandana like she is a contestant on Rock of Love?
Tonight’s drinking game word: Society.
Annnnnd after this one conversation I’m already drunk.
When LeeAnne talks shit, she immediately transforms into one of those girls who moves her head around and wags her finger while rolling her eyes every 3 seconds. She’s like one of the Clover girls on Bring it On.
LeeAnne: I feel sorry for Brandi’s daughters, I really do. I don’t know how those girls are going to grow up….it won’t be with class….
I am not one to talk about someone’s children LOL JK but LeeAnne just. Went. There. I have been watching Housewives shows long enough to know that you NEVER bring up someone’s kids. Ever.
This will get dirty. I can’t wait for the reunion.
So Brandi has two daughters and Stephanie has two sons. I bet they have already discussed arranged marriages and all of that cheesy shit. Yawn.
Brandi starts crying to Stephanie about how her husband is upset with her for going to the strip club. Oh honey, wait until he watches this episode. Your ass is going to be sleeping on the couch.
I love that Tiffany is up making a cocktail while we hear Keith Urban in the background singing some song he wrote while he plays the guitar and the harmonica at the same time. He is literally a one-man band in his garage.
Tiff decides she’s going to host a charity event and wants to hire her husband to play the show to introduce him to Dallas. They have been living in Dallas for almost two years. How are you just now thinking of this? How has he not been introduced to Dallas? She also decides she wants to expand her social circle outside of LeeAnne. Probably a good idea.
Tiffany: Ya know I don’t want my friends to just think I am the hot, thin, perfect one with the hot husband.
Tiffany: Every single time I see Cary, she looks AMAZING!
Yeah, cause her husband probably gives her botox injections every morning before he leaves to work?? #goals
So apparently Tiffany has a blog? Sanctuary of Style or something? I am confused. Is that what this show has come down to? They cast BLOGGERS? I am writing Andy Cohen that email first thing tomorrow.
She is filming a “webisode” (??) with Cary about her closet and style and things get super awkward, of course. Cary talks about her husband being her “wife” and that he picks out all of her clothes and accessories. He tells Tiffany he likes her outfit, and sorry Cary, but it appears that your third husband is playing for the other team.
Tiffany starts to try and interview Cary (filmed by Keith Urban) but Mark completely takes charge and talks about all of the dresses and I now imagine that he wears them all at night when Cary goes to sleep. He refers to one of her dresses as a “beach collection” and says things like “this cashmere is just fantastic” and “look at the yarn that they used here it is just flawless.” And I don’t get how Cary is not concerned.
Brandi: My mom comes into town a lot to help me with my kids.
* camera pans to Brandi’s mom making a giant pitcher of Bloody Mary’s *
Tiffany starts a convo with LeeAnne about how she wants to be better friends with Stephanie and Cary, and LeeAnne instantly jumps into the whole head swivel about how she will become guilty by association and her reputation will be tarnished blah blah. Just say it LeeAnne, you don’t want her to be friends with them because you hate them, and your friends should hate who you hate.
Lol LeeAnne says that she “hates drama.” Oh, okay. You seem chill, so that makes sense.
Tiffany: LeeAnne saying that she hates drama is like Charlie Sheen saying that he hates hookers.
Cary and Stephanie are going to dinner with LeeAnne to try and smooth things over, but LeeAnne begins by acting like a teacher lecturing her students. Not a good start. If someone spoke to me the way she speaks to these women, I would want nothing to do with her either. You are trying to be friends with these ladies, stop acting like their mom and they missed curfew or something. My god. It’s that simple.
LeeAnne whips out the fake piece of poop from the Mad Hatters party, as well as printed handouts of different media sites making fun of Brandi’s hat. This is amazing. She’s giving a presentation.
She gets way too defensive when discussing the charities and the “appropriateness” of certain events and eyyyyyeeee rolllllllll can we not? They were not being aggressive or rude and she just went at them for no reason.
LeeAnne gives a whole speech about being appropriate and proper and then says the words “BOW AT ME, SEE HOW IT GOES, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK” at a dinner table. I can’t.
This whole dinner is about LeeAnne talking about reputations and screaming at these ladies about raising funds and having opinions and oh my gosh this woman will not stop. She now claims that since she is 10 years older than them, she needs to be respected as their elder.
Who can respect a 40-something woman who is claiming no one is “as classy she is” while screaming “YOU DON’T KNOW ME BITCH” in public?????
Yeaaaaaaah idk if I can keep up with this show anymore. Where was Marie? I miss her. .
Image via YouTube