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We start episode two with me three (okay four) glasses of Jesus Juice down, and Brandi and Stephanie at Marie’s house. Apparently Brandi is being recruited to teach Marie’s poor, helpless young daughter some choreography for her dance routine.
Being a washed up Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader apparently helps Brandi make friends. Good for her, she’s going to need them. After watching Brandi dance I immediately get up to refill my glass. She is doing some kind of weird thrusting motion and Marie looks like she instantly regrets this decision.
Brandi: Are these moves too naughty? Can I get you guys anything? Some snacks? A condom? Let me know! Oh, God love ya!
After a flashback to last week’s episode, we are reminded that Marie, aka Angel’s wife, seems to be the only woman on this show that actually has some cash. I am now curious as to what Mr. Angel does for a living. Marie does not have an opening tagline, nor did she get a backstory, so I am in desperate need of information about her. She is such a mystery. And that makes her my favorite.
Brandi goes on to apologize to Marie for causing a scene at the charity event from the first episode, or as I like to call it, the Costco cheese platter party. Everyone starts talking shit about LeeAnne except for Marie, who seems completely normal. Bless her heart for being stuck with these lunatics.
We move on to Cary who is “cooking” dinner with her plastic surgeon husband in their mediocre, not-Yolanda-Foster-style kitchen. Then it happens. A montage of photos appear on the screen from when Cary first met her husband and OH MY GOD. He was a complete troll.
Cary: When I first met Mark, he was a total fixer-upper. He was a chubby, married, plastic surgeon with a really bad haircut and man boobs that I couldn’t wait to have an affair with!
Hate to break it to you Care Bear, but he is still a fixer upper. How ironic that he is a plastic surgeon. After seeing these before pics, her tagline instantly makes sense. Yes, Cary, you are definitely a lifetime achievement award for ole’ Marky Mark.
We finally meet a child that is not one of Brandi’s monster ginger babies and it’s Cary’s daughter Zuri (ugh), who is only two and apparently knows like 4 languages. I pretend that I know how to speak Spanish when I’m drunk so like, same thing.
Next, we see LeeAnne and Tiffany doing the only thing they apparently know how to do- shop for outfits to wear to charity events.
New drinking game: every time LeeAnne says “charity”….drink. I am going to need more alcohol. And probably a stomach pump.
So the theme of this episode is some charity (drink) event at the Dallas Arboretum (went one time with my mom, it’s a giant botanical garden, boring AF) where everyone wears ridiculous stupid hats, “for charity.” Oh my gosh, and it’s called “Mad Hatter’s” because of course it is. If only Brandi could fall down that giant hole that Alice falls into and never come back.
Speaking of Brandi, we now get to see her designing her hat for this stupid party. Brandi is making her hat out of toilet paper and here we go again with the poop jokes. Because Brandi is just so ~silly~ she is basically just gluing the stupidest shit she can find onto this hat. Stephanie tells Brandi that she emailed LeeAnne to apologize to her for the confrontation at the last party and Brandi is just like:
Steph then goes on and on about how she just didn’t feel right about the conversation and pulls the whole “omg I can read the email to you if you want like it isn’t even a big deal it was really brief it meant nothing” and sounds exactly like my ex-boyfriend explaining himself when I would see other girls texts pop up on his phone. Brandi is just like ya whatev read it to me we good.
Steph makes a good point that she only apologized because she did not want to have drama with LeeAnne, which is like, actually really smart and mature of her. I am shocked. Love that LeeAnne replied back saying she is not going to apologize to Brandi, #powermove.
Second best part of this episode: Keith Urban sitting with Regular Joe Rich having a drink while LeeAnne and Tiffany attempt to fire up a grill. Just some guys being dudes, classic.
Cut to LeeAnne talking about hypothetically getting married to Regular Joe Rich and he looks thrilled. JK he looks like he wants to tie bricks to his ankles and dive into the pool.
Tiffany: Can you guys just get married before she turns 50, please
Rich: Well she told me she was 30, so, sure, we have 20 more years
Shot fired by Regular Joe Rich. Wow LeeAnne, he sounds super stoked to one day marry you! Keep him around. Everyone wants a husband that they have to beg to marry them.
We go to Brandi who is trying to corral her little demon children in the kitchen and honestly their behavior basically makes my tubes tie themselves. She is making chocolate cake (box mix, smh) and calls it “poop pie” and oh my god when will it end. She is disgusting. Where did they find her? Hello, Andy Cohen? What were you thinking?
Brandi: I may not be mother of the year, but I may be mother of like the summer or like June, or maybe a short month like February…
We now see Tiffany shopping for a new house. For a washed up model and a Keith Urban impersonator, Tiffany and her husband are looking at a pretty fancy house. He doesn’t think that he likes Dallas, his “career” isn’t really taking off, and does not want to commit to buying a house if he doesn’t think he can be successful there. The smartest thing anyone on this show has ever said. Bravo, Keith.
Annnnnd, we are back to Brandi at her house. I don’t understand why she gets the most screentime when she is the worst part of this entire show. I am fourfiveseconds from fast forwarding through all of her scenes.
Here we go, the moment we have kind of been waiting for, everyone is getting ready for Mad Hatter.
Oh no. Brandi. Put. Fake. Shit. On. Her. Hat. It is literally a moss covered shit show with fake poop all over it. She is wearing this to a charity event. It is truly atrocious. She needs to be euthanized. (Text I just received from my mom: “I bet Brandi’s husband is real proud. Not.”)
Stephanie is just wearing a little blue straw hat with a flower on it. Like a normal person. Two for you Stephanie! You go, Stephanie!
LeeAnne’s hat isn’t terrible. But her blush. It looks like someone used hot pink spray paint on her cheeks. Should I tell her? Someone needs to tell her.
They have all been talking about this charity event and how this is all for a good cause blah blah blah but I have yet to hear anyone actually plug the cause this is for. What charity is it? Who is it benefiting? Where is the money going? You are on national television, talk about the charity. Please. Talk about the charity.
LeeAnne looks over at Brandi and her shit hat and says “I see the monster of the sea has come” and that is my new go-to shade throwing insult. LeeAnne talks shit about Brandi for a solid two minutes then when they finally speak she tells her that her hat is wonderful and I about fall out of my seat. Shade. Thrown. Lets. Go.
The new drinking game is drink whenever you hear Brandi say “poop” annnnnd I am already drunk.
Brandi, Steph, and Cary decide it would be hilarious if they go put a piece of the fake shit onto a chair at LeeAnne’s table. Seriously. Cary, who I thought was better than this, actually is the one who does it and I am so disappointed in her. She places the poop then runs away.
Tiffany’s face is all of us.
LeeAnne approaches the table, sees the fake shit, and assumes that Brandi is trying to bait her into a confrontation. She claims she is better than that, and the confrontation will not happen. So instead she runs and tells on her to the main guy who is in charge of this event to try and tarnish Brandi’s name in the charity world. She is a grown ass woman and she just went to tattle on another grown ass woman. What is wrong with these ladies? Who hurt you?
LeeAnne: Crossing the wrong people in society gets you crossed off of the list.
So the pot has been stirred, and now we must wait until next week to see it boil over.
Previews for next week show Brandi going to a male strip club….I am going to start drinking tomorrow to prepare for that..
Image via YouTube