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It’s been documented on this site before that IKEA furniture can be hazardous. They’re currently running an ad campaign recommending people fasten their IKEA furniture from the windows to the walls to make sure it isn’t crushing any kids. But now they’ve got a different crushing caution to worry about. And it involves testicles.
After a knee injury, Claus Jørstad of Alta, Norway invested in a MARIUS Stool from IKEA to sit on while he showered — but that plan backfired big time. While sitting on the chair during a recent rinse, one of Jørstad’s testicles got stuck in a hole on the seat when the hot water caused them to expand. “Sitting there and noticing the accident, I bent down to see what happened, I realized the little nutter has got stuck,” he told Daily Mail. He sat there so long, in fact, that the water turned cold. However, Jørstad thinks the freezing water was actually his saving grace. You see, the temperature drop caused his testicle to shrink again, which allowed him to safely free his little guy. Whew.
This is a wild story. Absolutely bonkers. Our boy Claus showered while seated on this plastic seat, got his nut stuck in one of these holes, and then was only freed by the power of shrinkage. The story is so nutty in fact (see what I did there?) that it can only be a work of fiction, crafted to prevent his wife from finding out the truth we can all see quite blatantly: this was masturbation gone wrong. Has to be.
My old roommate is a fire fighter, and the stories he’s got about guys having to call 911 from JO sessions gone awry are nothing short of alarming. Dicks stuck in jars, hands glued to cocks (that one actually is from American Pie 2), you get the idea. Hasn’t everyone cracked stick one too many times in the day and drawn some blood from the tip? Yeah, me neither.
The point is, it’s most believable to think Claus was fiddling his Norwegian sea monster, watching his Norwegian porn, got his nut stuck in the seat, and – knowing his wife would be home momentarily – hobbled himself, still stuck to the seat, into the shower, giving him time to craft his tale. Then, in a stroke of genius (again, see what I did there?) turned on the frigid arctic waters to induce some serious shrinkage, freeing himself from his bewildering predicament.
You know how I know the story isn’t as he claimed? He says he waited so long in the shower that the water magically turned cold, like he’d been in there so long he ran out of hot water. Bro, it takes like 45 minutes to kill your hot water tank. There’s no way any rational dude just stays calm and chills in the shower while his nuts are stuck. He’s trying to hobble himself over to a phone to call 911. It’s when he doesn’t call 911 that you know he was jerkin’ it.
I actually can’t roast this Claus guy too hard, because as it turns out, he’s got an electric sense of humor.
But after the incident, he decided to warn others about his experience by taking to Facebook and alerting IKEA in a post that has since gone viral. According to Daily Dot, Jørstad told IKEA, “Sitting there and noticing the accident, I bent down to see what the f*ck happened, I realized the little nutter has got stuck.” He also said, “The water turned cold by itself. So I started freezing. The water got cold. Even more cold than my mother-in-law’s smile when I married her daughter.”
Homie must hate his mother-in-law. And calling it his little nutter in his Norwegian accent must have been high comedy. Pissed I missed it.
IKEA’s response was none too apologetic. In fact, they cast all the blame on Claus’s idiocy. Most likely because they also knew he was lying and in fact suffered from IWJO (injured while jerking off).
IKEA’s response? “Hey Claus. We recommend that you take the stool out of the shower… or that you sit on it with the right uniform on and in the right setting,” a staffer posted on Facebook. “If you choose to keep it in the shower, make sure you are well dressed for your next sea excursion.” Fair enough. So Jørstad did what he should have done from the beginning: He covered the stool with a wash cloth. Problem, solved.
Washcloth? Yeah, we all know what that’s for Claus. We know. But hey, let it fuckin’ rip. Do you..
[via Cosmopolitan]
Image via Youtube
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Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
And I thought buying Restoration Hardware furniture had me by the balls
Soon as I read “sitting down in the shower,” it was painfully obvious this guy was having a little “me time.”
This guy is my fucking hero
Showed a friend the picture, said “guess what the article is about” he hit the nail right on the head
Is your friend’s name “Claus”