A Guide To Sexting By Someone Who Has Never Sent A Dirty Text

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I have never sent a dirty text, or “sext,” in my entire life. Call me virginal, call me a prude — I don’t really care. I am too awkward of a person to craft a short and raunchy message to a guy who I know is having his way with his right hand, so I just don’t do it. However, I know basically everyone on this planet with mobile capabilities has sent a filthy text to a certain someone that they prayed to god their mother would never see. It’s for you, dear people of the world, that I write this guide to crafting a perfect sext.

Be Extremely Realistic to Enhance the Realism

By scripting out scenarios to be so visually descriptive that your partner truly feels like he or she is there, you’re making things so much easier on their end. No longer will they need to “leave things to the imagination.” Yes, say good-bye to having to “fill in the blanks.” The reins of what they are thinking are completely in your hands. Think of yourself as the Frida Kahlo of all things sexting — you are painting a picture of beautiful flowery reproductive organs with words. As they always say, there’s no such thing as overkill when it comes to details. Or I’m sure there’s someone out there who has said that at least once or twice in his or her life.

Pet Names. Pet Names. Pet Names!

There’s a whole lot of mumbo jumbo going on these days in the world of gender division and oppression. If there’s one thing girls and guys can agree on, it’s that we all absolutely adore pet names. They’re just so dang cute! As a sexter, this is your time to put on your creativity cap and come up with some sappy love names for your babesicles. Pet names not only prep the oven for what’s to come next, but they should that you truly care about one and other. If you’re not Captain Creativity, feel free to borrow the ones I so affectionately use below. It’s not plagiarism if I give you permission! (My only request is that if you do decide to sext using one of my pet names, please follow the message up with a link to my twitter. I understand the whole “copyright laws aren’t sexy and kind of kill the mood” argument, but give credit where credit is due, people.)

Play Hard to Get Because Patience is a Virtue in Some Modern Societies

Every time your other half wants to start playing a round of mobile mattress dancing, change the subject and blue ball the heck out of them. This leads to yearning and somehow that quote about “distance makes the heart grow fonder” fits in here somewhere. The only acknowledgment they need of their attempt at a dirty conversation starter is the read receipt. If you have those on, your partner will understand you got the message and are choosing to play mind games with them instead like in any normal, healthy relationship.

The More Innuendos, Euphemisms, and Puns, the Better

You want your messages to be pregnant with clever word play to really get your partner’s blood flowing. This is also the only time you ever want to proactively achieve pregnancy in something having to do with your partner. You want your message to be so saturated with innuendos, euphemisms, and puns that he or she can barely read it without getting all sorts of feelings in their lower extremities. And by all sorts of feelings I mean literally, all sorts of feelings. From confusion to excitement, from weirded outness to lust, your partner is going to wish you were next to them like they’ve never wished before. Mainly to have you explain what you meant, but with them nonetheless.

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Topanga

Topanga is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems. Lover of red wine, mediocre gossip, and Corey's whipped ass.

• @TopangaPGP