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Dry streaks are the Chernobyl of your sex life. During the course of a casual tryst or even a full-fledged relationship, you may have become a little careless or apathetic. Your actions possibly resulted in a monumental disaster, turning the list of your sexual prospects into an empty, uninhabitable wasteland. A lesser person may immediately take desperate measures and do something drastic, like significantly lower his or her standards to metaphorical dumpster fires or, worse, call up an ex for a booty call. No. It is paramount that you maintain some level of dignity since much of your dignity is already sucked out of you at work. Here’s a clear cut, well calculated plan to maintain your self respect while trying to end a dry streak.
First, you need to rate the last person you slept with on a scale of one to 10. Be as objective as possible–don’t dilute the rating based on how much of a bitch or an asshole said individual was. This will be your reference point for future prospects.
If you are able to find someone to bone within the first two months of your dry streak, this person must be as attractive–or more attractive–than the previous person you slept with. You’re not that desperate, and this way you can keep your standards high and preserve your self respect. If you fail to hook up within the first two months, you subtract half a point from your previous partner’s rating. If the dry streak drags on, continue to subtract half a point from your minimum requirement for every two months of the dry streak until you finally find someone willing to get naked with you. This way, it will take you a long time to reach desperation. Not to say that you may not find someone above your minimum rating, which is the preferable option, but when you’re two years into a 100 percent masturbational relationship, you cannot be overly picky.
This method provides an excellent “cover your ass” system by gradually lowering your standards so no one can judge you for nailing that four after your year and a half long dry streak. The best part about this system is after you hook up, you restart back at the very top–so if you do get desperate enough to nail a four, you can then raise your bar back to its original level. It’s nice and structured, basically a “Six Sigma” for your sex life.
Let me use an example. Bob has just gotten out of a relationship with Jane. Bob, a douchebag, is a seven and Jane, an irrational shrew, is a nine. After the breakup, Bob falls into a deep depression and starts snorting antidepressants to ease the pain of no longer dating a total almost-out-of-his-league smoke show. The antidepressant completely numbs Bob’s sex drive until his dealer gets arrested for selling controlled substances eight months later. Unfortunately for Bob, it takes him another four months to find someone willing to have sex with him. At this point, he can only justify sex with someone as low as a six.
Jane, on the other hand, is a crazy (yet hot) piece of ass. After a couple of months she easily finds herself a nine, although technically, if she had to, she could have gone as low as a 6.5 hobbit without any embarrassment. She then goes on a revenge sex rampage and eventually catches the clap from a six. See what happens when you don’t follow the rules? You get burned.
Respond
@5OClockShadow_
When I clicked this column I thought it said “While trying to eat a dry steak”
Is it Friday yet.
Dignity is overrated
I prefer just to sleep with a Slumpbuster and just slide right back into the groove. Sure you have to shower for an hour to wash the shame but it is well worth it to get back into the game of nailing sevens and above.
So, you are Bob.
Too much effort. I have one rule: if I wouldn’t be embarrassed to take her out with friends it’s a green light.