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Alright, folks. We’ve got a hell of a lot to unpack this week. The last few episodes have been dog shit boring, but this week delivered – and it delivered big. As per Bachelorette tradition, Becca must meet the families of her remaining suitors and let them know there is a 75% chance she will end up breaking their son’s heart, but they shouldn’t worry, because she’s optimistic about finding love. It’s what every parent hopes to hear. Let’s break it down.
Hometown Date with Garrett
Garrett gets this season’s first hometown date. I don’t actually know if he got the first date, but they’re airing it first. The significance of this is that it means that his date was the most
boring normal. They never lead off with the good stuff. He’s from somewhere out in California that I haven’t heard of and wouldn’t care to visit and instead of taking her to the beach, to look at redwood trees, or to drink wine, Garrett brings Becca to a field.
“My family is into farming,” he tells her.
“That’s neat!” Becca replies, but continues, muttering under her breath, “There’s a reason I didn’t sign up for Chris Soules’s season of The Bachelor; I’m not trying to live out some bullshit Prince Farming fantasy.”
Garrett doesn’t seem to notice her disdain. “Want to go plant tomatoes?”
“I’d rather die,” Becca replies, “But if that’s what it takes to climb you like a tree, count me in!”
As they hop aboard a John Deere, I fully expected Kenny Chesney’s “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” to start blaring in the background; alas, ABC was too poor to get the rights to use the song, leaving us all musically blue-balled while we’re staring at them chugging along.
After discussing the merits of living the farm life and using their potential future children as indentured servants, during which time I refilled my wine instead of listening, Garrett brings Becca to meet the rest of his family. They are incredibly welcoming to Becca, even going so far as to hide their MAGA hats to avoid any potentially uncomfortable conversations. So thoughtful.
On the topic of potentially uncomfortable conversations, Garrett’s family wastes no time bringing up his ex-wife to Becca.
“I just have one question for you,” Garrett’s mom asks Becca. “Are you a psycho bitch? The last one he brought home was a psycho bitch.”
“I’m not a psycho bitch,” Becca replies.
“Then you’ll do,” she replied.
Sidenote: There’s a photo floating around with a side-by-side comparison of Garrett and his ex and Becca and her ex (the one before Arie) – the amount that they resemble each other’s exes is uncanny. I guess they both have a type. We’ll see if history repeats itself. It probably will, so go ahead and insert the eye roll emoji here.
Hometown Date with Jason
After leaving BFE Cali, Becca treks cross-country to Buffalo, NY, where Jason awaits her.
“Welcome to Buffalo!” he greets her excitedly.
“I’m so thrilled to be here,” she replies, feigning enthusiasm poorly.
“I have an amazing day planned for us,” Jason tells her. “Let’s get going!”
Their first stop is a wing restaurant. Classic Buffalo. Not only did he bring her to a wing joint, but this particular joint was packed to the brim with onlookers. Becca was clearly taken aback, expecting a more intimate experience. He informs her that they’ll be participating in a wing-eating contest in front of the crowd. If that doesn’t get Becca wet, I don’t know what will. Nothing like making sure your new girlfriend will have the Hershey squirts when meeting your family for the first time.
Becca, Jason, and a few randos sit at the front table of the restaurant and chow down on wings, seeing how many they can eat within a minute. While the randos seem super into this competition, Jason and Becca dick around; she daintily eats a wing while Jason smears bleu cheese dressing on her cheek. It makes her laugh, and Jason makes a mental note for Fantasy Suites that she apparently doesn’t mind having a mess on her face.
After the wing eating contest, Jason takes Becca to a local skating rink ABC rented out for the couple. After they take a few laps, reliving middle school birthday parties of yesteryear, Jason shows off his hockey prowess, and no joke, that really did get Becca going. I think in that moment she would have gladly taken a puck, among other things, to the face if he had asked politely. He also calls her “Beccster” throughout, and I’ll admit, I’m a fan of that. In my head, I had already written him off but there’s a definite spark there. You go
Glen Coco Jason.
This spark was reaffirmed when Becca and Jason went to visit his parents, his brother and his brother’s husband. The interactions between everyone were very natural; I can’t even make fun of it. His mom checked off the “Hot Mom” square for Hometown Bingo, and ABC should seriously consider signing his brother and brother-in-law on to do a Queer Eye types of advice series of their own because I’d watch the shit out of it.
As the evening draws to a close, Jason finally tells Becca that he’s in love with her. While he’s the last of the four remaining dudes to use the “L” word, he also skipped the “falling in love” stage and went straight for the real deal. I’d say that respect the hell out of him for that, but this is still The Bachelorette and I still have a few shreds of self-respect left. Becca, on the other hand, is completely on board, immediately jamming her tongue so far down his throat she got to taste those wings for the second time. So romantic.
Hometown Date with Blake
Becca’s next stop is Blake’s hometown of Bailey, Colorado. She arrives in the middle of a snowstorm, which is cool I guess. I don’t really care for snow, so this would start things off on a sour note for me, but then again, this isn’t my date. It isn’t my television show either, for that matter. I’m just sitting at home on my couch with my computer and no pants on. I digress.
Like any All-American guy, Blake tells Becca he wants to take her somewhere very meaningful to him. I envisioned a scenic viewpoint or his childhood home; instead, Blake took Becca to his high school. I think this is the first time this season Blake has made me roll my eyes, but that is some weak shit. Any time someone tells me high school was the best time of their life, I automatically assume they’re either full of shit or a total loser. Probably both.
As they walk the halls of his alma mater, Blake tells Becca not all of his memories of his time in this building are pleasant. For a moment, I become very concerned that he is going to take her to the classroom where his mother destroyed their family by banging his English teacher, but what he actually explained was somehow even worse. Turns out when he was in high school, a gunman came to his school and opened fire, killing one of his classmate. Talk about putting a damper on this date; how do you even recover from a conversation about school shooting? I guess I should ask some staffers on Fox News — they seem like they can move on from that shit pretty easily. Becca said she was impressed with him sharing something so personal. I wished he had kept that shit to himself.
On that note, Blake told Becca he had another surprise for her.
“Fucking fantastic,” Becca whispers. “How could this possibly get worse?”
Blake leads Becca to the school auditorium, which is pitch black. They walk in together and all of a sudden the lights flip on, revealing a packed house. Becca screams, surprised by a crowd for the second time this episode. She’s confused as to what’s happening when music starts pumping from the stage. She looks up, expecting to see yet another shitty up and coming artist, but instead loses her mind when she realizes it’s Betty Who, her favorite artist. She charges to the front with Blake and the two of them enjoy the concert – it warms my cold, dead heart to see them having a somewhat normal date. I’m impressed Blake, you managed to turn this turd mobile around its something pretty incredible.
The rest of the time is spent with Blake’s family. They don’t really introduce his stepdad/former basketball coach/English teacher, but do spend an inordinate amount of time talking about how fucked up Blake was after his last relationship ended. On one hand, good for his family for being open about mental health, however, maybe leave out the part about his crippling panic attacks until after he’s tricked Becca into marrying him? Overall, his family seemed supportive and Becca left this date on yet another high note. Of all the dudes, Blake is the only one that Becca says she loves – she hasn’t said it to him yet, but I have a feeling that is on the horizon.
Hometown Date with Colton
I’ll be honest with y’all – I hated this date. Colton took Becca to go shopping for gifts for kids at a children’s hospital where he donates cash money and spends some time volunteering, and then the two of them spent the afternoon playing with a few of the pediatric patients. I’m sure deep down he has great intentions, but anytime there’s a question of exploiting sick kids for your own gain, count me out. It’s not a cool move in my book.
The time spent with Colton’s family was somehow even worse. He says that his family is very close, and he isn’t lying. Both his parents are super aware of his virginity; he actually has a conversation with his mom on camera about saving himself for the right person. What the actual fuck, guys? Colton – you are a grown ass man who presumably made a metric shit ton of money (relatively speaking) during you NFL days, but you still talk to your mom about how you’ve never gotten any stank on your hang low? Get out of here.
As the evening continued its downhill spiral to the depths of hell, Becca spends some time talking to Colton’s dad. His dad looks like Colton, except with a pronounced case of male pattern baldness and a beer gut. He looks like she should be an extra in an Adam Sandler movie or someone that gives TV interviews about their unwavering support for Space Force and how it will be a critical factor in the battle against Space ISIS. It’s an unwelcome glimpse into Colton’s future. Becca and Papa Underwood chat about Becca’s relationship with Arie, which is weird, and then spend some time talking about Colton’s relationship with Tia, which is even weirder. Again, why the hell do his parents even know about this shit?
The evening ends with Colton once again telling Becca that he loves her, and reminding her that he isn’t waiting for marriage, he’s just waiting for the right moment. Like in the Fantasy Suite. With her. Next week. Barf.
Tea Time with Tia
After Becca finished her whirlwind tour of the country, she headed back to LA for the most important Rose Ceremony of the entire season. Final Rose Ceremony? Who gives a shit which of these walking sperm donors she declares the winner of this matriarchal version of the Hunger Games when we get to learn which guy she looked in the eye last week and said “I want to meet your family…” and this week finished that thought with “…but here are three guys I’d rather fuck than you.” Getting sent home after Hometown Dates is the biggest kick in the dick, and it makes me so tingly inside. It’s like Christmas morning, but vindictive.
With this event on the precipice of its fruition, imagine my disappointment when instead of the Rose Ceremony, we are instead greeted with Becca’s sister wives from Arie’s season of The Bachelor. The planning for this meet up had actually started several weeks prior when two producers decided that they needed to start hyping up the upcoming season of Bachelor in Paradise.
“I just think if we can get the girls a little more visibility, we could really up our numbers for the premiere,” a young producer mused, absentmindedly stirring his dry martini with an olive skewer.
“They’ve got enough visibility. They’re all over the ‘gram. If anything, they’re overexposed. What we need is an event. Something to really get people talking…” his counterpart replied, her neat whiskey already drained.
“What kind of event?” he asked.
“Something controversial. We need one of the girls to really implode, and to do it on camera,” she said, eyeing the bartender for another drink. “We need someone we can break.”
The male producer takes a sip of his martini before answering. “Kendall seems rock solid. Seinne is aloof, but in a good way. She doesn’t like to get involved with any drama. Caroline has no name recognition and people are annoyed with teenage Bekah. Did you know people call her Pixie Tits?”
He expected a laugh but got none. His disappointment reverberated with me as well.
With a fresh whiskey in hand, his colleague stated matter-of-factly, “It’s got to be Tia.”
And according to her plan, just before the cameras started rolling in LA, she pulled Tia off to the side for a momentous conversation.
“Hey Tia,” she started. “Remember like six months ago when you fell in love with Arie and then told him you were in love with him in a literal shack in the middle of a swamp in Louisiana where he could have easily killed you for being a crazy bitch and totally played it off as an unfortunate alligator accident?”
“Yes…” Tia replied, clearly apprehensive.
“And then after that, do you remember how after he met your family in
Dickville Weiner? And you told them that you loved him too? And your dad gave him permission to propose to you?”
“I recall something to that effect,” Tia mumbled.
“But Arie didn’t love you. He didn’t want to marry you. He didn’t even want to have sex with you…” the producer prodded further.
“I’m sure he wanted to!” Tia says defensively.
“If that helps you sleep at night, keep thinking that. But you’re the only one who actually believes that crock of shit. You know who he did want to have sex with? Becca. Lauren too, but mostly Becca. Did you know that they broke the bedframe in that teepee in Chile? Of course you didn’t. Arie had already cast you aside by then…” The producer pauses from a moment, letting the salt soak into the wound she was opening further and further with each of her words.
“But you got past Arie!” she continued. “Especially after you met Colton…”
Tia looked away uncomfortably.
“What happened there?” she asks. “You guys met up for a weekend, hit it off, fooled around a little bit, but then nothing? He didn’t even call you back? That’s crazy. I mean look at you. You’re stunning. But he didn’t want you? Why?”
“Things kind of fizzled out when he got cast for The Bachelorette…” Tia stated flatly.
“But that doesn’t make sense. Why would he slow down…especially when everyone thought that you were going to be cast as The Bachelorette?” the producer inquired.
“I told him it wasn’t going to be me after all. I could see the writing on the wall…” Tia explained, her voice trailing off.
“So he chose Becca over you…” the producer mused. “Just like Arie.”
The producer glanced at Tia, gauging her reaction. There was a hardness to her eyes that hadn’t been there moments before. Her plan was working.
“So Arie wanted Becca more than you. ABC wanted Becca more than you. And now…” she paused, sighing deeply. “Even Colton wants Becca more than you.”
Again, the producer stopped, letting her words marinade as Tia fumed in silence.
“Actually, it looks like they just started filming!” the producer observed. “You better get out there so you don’t miss any screen time. This is an important promo opportunity for Paradise!”
In that moment, Tia snaps back to reality, the emptiness in her eyes replaced with animal rage, like a shark headed to a feeding frenzy. The producer pats her on the shoulder, and without making eye contact, Tia simply whispers, “Hold my fucking beer, bitch.”
Everything from this point on is history. Becca announces that her final four are Garrett, Blake, Jason, and Colton, at which point Tia pipes up and asks to speak to Becca alone. They head out to the balcony, where Tia wastes no time in voicing her feelings.
“First off Becca,” she starts, “You look like, super amazing. I love what you’ve done with the sequins and the sparkles all season. It’s like this Midwest conservative meets budget stripper thing – it totally works for you!”
“Thanks, babe,” Becca replies. “Did you have something to say or did you just want to call me a prudish hooker in front of everyone?”
“I mean if the Nordstrom Rack stiletto fits,” Tia replies. “But actually my big thing was to talk about Colton.”
“What about Colton?” Becca asks suspiciously.
“You know how I said I was totally over him and didn’t have feelings for him anymore and that I was completely fine with you dating him?” Tia asks.
“Yes….” Becca replies, nonplussed.
“I totally lied. I still have feelings for him. I want that virgin dick. The fact that he said he loves you and that you met his family makes me want to die. I wanted that for myself, and you took it away from me. He likes you now, but I want him to like me! It’s not fair that he fell in love with the woman on the show that was designed for him to fall in love with, he is supposed to outsmart that shit and fall in love with me!”
Becca takes a moment to process this. “This shit is fucked,” she texts Chris Harrison.
“Anyways,” Tia continues. “So great to see you. Again, love what you did with the wardrobe budget. Solid investments. I had no idea Forever 21 was dabbling in formalwear now! Break up with Colton or I’ll kill you and myself. Also, Raven says hi. See you back inside!”
As Tia walks back inside, Becca sees one of the producers with a knowing smirk on her face. Another producer is standing next to her, unmoving, despite the fact that he had clearly just pissed his pants during her exchange with Tia.
“Can I get a fucking beer?” she asks, to no one in particular.
Once the four remaining dudes make it back to the Rose Ceremony in LA, Chris Harrison lines them up, where they’ll await Becca’s decision if they have been selected for the sex round of this game show. Becca shows up in a limousine looking a bit preoccupied, and before handing out any roses, tells them how much she appreciates the time she spent with them and their families before giving some foreshadowing that her decision tonight will be unexpected. Four sphincters quickly clench in fear, while Chris Harrison immediately goes from six to midnight. He lives for this shit.
Picking up the first rose, Becca takes a deep breath.
“Blake,” she says. She’s into the instability. I dig it.
Her hand trembles slightly once the second rose is in her hand.
I’ll be honest – I did not expect that. Homeboy swung for the fences this week and it paid off. Don’t get me wrong, I think he’s great, but I thought I was more into him than Becca up to now.
Garrett and Colton both gulp uncomfortably.
“I shouldn’t have told her I was a virgin,” Colton thinks to himself.
“I shouldn’t have liked all that racist shit on Instagram,” Garrett thinks to himself.
Meanwhile, Becca picks up the final rose.
“Gentleman, this is the final rose,” Chris Harrison reports, making six digits for each word he’s spoken on this episode.
“Garrett,” Becca whispers.
Colton stands there in stunned silence, thinking about all the babes in LA that are now available to him that he still won’t be banging tonight.
“Can I walk you out?” Becca asks, breaking his reverie.
“Sure,” Colton mumbles.
They sit down outside and Colton speaks first.
“I just don’t understand. You came to meet my family. I even took you to see those sick kids! And you still want to send me home? Do you hate sick children?” he asks in disbelief.
“Colton, I’m so sorry. I didn’t expect this either. But when I talked to your dad, he said that if in the end it wasn’t going to be you, I shouldn’t string you along. Plus, I haven’t gotten laid since the Arie era, and I want someone who knows what they’re doing to dust off these cobwebs. I’ve been through a lot in the past year, and I don’t want to add taking your virginity and then dumping you anyway to that list. You’re a delicate flower with a delicate flower and should be treated as such.”
“Well this is horseshit,” Colton breathes under his breath.
“What was that?” Becca asks.
“I wish you the best!” he says, covering his tracks before heading into the limo and out to find Tia.
Becca returns to her three remaining suitors, breaking into a huge grin.
“Pack your shit up, we’re going to Thailand, and we’re going there to fuck!”
There you have it, friends. Colton going home was a bit of a surprise, but I’m sure that he’ll pull through this just fine, especially once he loses his virginity to Tia in a communal smush room on Paradise in the next four to eight weeks. Thanks for those of you who played Hometown Bingo – keep your eyes out for Fantasy Suite Bingo soon. See you then! .