A Dude’s Breakdown Of Colton’s Bachelor Contestants

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Alright, folks. It seems like just yesterday we were watching Annaliese have a meltdown on the live finale of Bachelor in Paradise, but here we are, with thirty new potential hot messes ready to have their lives broadcast to a national audience in pursuit of Colton Underwood’s V Card heart. Let’s break it down.

Alex B., 29, Dog Rescuer, Vancouver, BC

I hope Olivia Caridi is ready to relinquish her crown for having the largest mouth in the Bachelor franchise, because I think Alex B. is about to usurp that throne. I’m sure she’s a nice lady and all, since she’s devoted her life to rescuing Canadian dogs, but goddamn – that’s all I can look at.

Alex D., 23, Sloth, Boston, MA

Well folks, it appears we’ve hit a new low with these contestants’ professions. I’d attempt to come up with something witty to say, but I think I’m just getting too old for this shit.

Angelique, 28, Marketing Salesperson, Hamilton, NJ

Angelique’s giant hoop earrings tell me that she is not here to fuck around.

Annie, 23, Financial Associate, New York, NY

Although she did not wear the trademark gold horseshoe necklace of all horse girls in her promo picture, Annie’s bio reveals that she is indeed a horse girl. Tread lightly.

Bri, 24, Model, Los Angeles, CA

This is Lauren Bushnell and I refuse to believe any evidence to the contrary.

Caelynn, 23, Miss North Carolina 2018, Charlotte, NC

I think my favorite thing about Caelynn is that she’s actually Miss North Carolina, not a former Miss North Carolina. As you can see, we’re setting the bar pretty low here. Regardless, you go, Glen Coco.

Caitlin, 25, Realtor, Toronto, ON

I feel like Caitlin will be the girl that is attractive but gets no screen time and then blows it up on Paradise.

Cassie, 23, Speech Pathologist, Huntington Beach, CA

Cassie is an attractive, seemingly normal girl with an actual job, so she’s definitely going to go home on the first night.

Catherine, 26, DJ, Ft. Lauderdale, FL

Let’s take a moment to talk about this bitch. Even with a single photo and a two-line bio, Catherine is already being set up to be this season’s villain. She’s a real estate agent who doubles as a DJ, so it’s not like she may have any ulterior motives for increasing her exposure by appearing on The Bachelor. While the rest of the women have simple photos, Catherine has a hand playfully tousling her hair, shoulder forward, and has somehow managed to get her tits into her headshot like she’s expecting the gods to bestow a pair of Victoria’s Secret Angel wings on her, not let her snatch Colton’s virginity.

Courtney, 23, Caterer, Atlanta, GA

Courtney is a caterer, so I can’t wait for her Hello Fresh ‘Gram posts coming in hot in the next four to six months.

Demi, 23, Interior Designer, Red Oak, TX

Demi is a country gal from Texas and loves fishing and riding ATVs. You know who she sounds like? Raven Tia. Barf. Nonetheless, I think she’s going to go far…like finale far.

Devin, 23, Broadcast Journalist, Medford, OR

This is the second year in a row we’ve had a TV journalist from Oregon cast as a contestant. Weird flex, Oregon.

Elyse, 31, Makeup Artist, Soldotna, AK

There is a zero percent chance that Elyse isn’t a total freak, and I mean that in the best possible way. You don’t move from Alaska to become a makeup artist in Scottsdale without more than a fair share of crazy coursing through your veins. It’s a shame that she’s going to waste her Bachelor run on Colton, because under no circumstances will he be able to handle what she brings to the table.

Erika, 25, Recruiter, Encinitas, CA

Her nickname is “The Nut,” so I sure she’s thanking Chris Harrison God that November is over.

Erin, 28, Cinderella, Plano, TX

At first I thought Erin might actual play Cinderella, you know, like at Disney World or more likely at rich white kids’ birthday parties; I mean, she’s blonde and it looks like she’s perfected that blank, yet vapid stare into the distance, but turns out she just works for her stepmother’s home improvement business. She also loves pumpkin spice lattes, so thank goodness she brings something unique to this cast.

Hannah B., 23, Miss Alabama 2018, Tuscaloosa, AL

Apparently Colton has a thing for pageant girls. It’ll be cute to see Hannah B. and Caelynn revive their rivalry on camera. Not going to lie, I’m hoping for a catfight. Do pageant girls abide by Anchorman fighting rules, or are faces and hair fair game?

Hannah G., 23, Content Creator, Birmingham, AL

While I don’t respect Hannah G.’s profession, I do admire the balls it takes to admit all you aspire to do in life is profit off Instagram before you’re even on The Bachelor.

Heather, 22, Never Been Kissed, Carlsbad, CA

Oh good, more purity and virginity to talk about. Thank you, next.

Adrianne “Jane,” 26, Social Worker, West Hollywood, CA

While she claims she’s a social worker, Adrianne “Jane’s” bio says that she cares for seniors at an elderly day care facility, which doesn’t actually sound like the job description of a social worker. I think she may be confused about more than just her name.

Katie, 26, Medical Sales Representative, Sherman Oaks, CA

It’s probably best that Katie is one of the contestants that has a real job, because I have a feeling she may be heading back to it sooner rather than later.

Kirpa, 26, Dental Hygienist, Whittier, CA

I have nothing to say about Kirpa.

Laura, 26, Accountant, Dallas, TX

Laura’s bio said she once moved to Spain on a whim. Let me pour some sangria in anticipation of her stories about Barthelona….

Nicole, 25, Social Media Coordinator, Miami, FL

I want Nicole to be Bibiana. I just miss Bibiana, okay? They always take the good ones away too soon.

Nina, 30, Sales Account Manager, Raleigh, NC

Nina is already 30, and in Bachelor world, that means she may as well be as ancient as her compatriots Pinta and Santa Maria.

Onyeka, 24, IT Risk Consultant, Dallas, TX

Onyeka’s parents got engaged after knowing each other for two weeks, so I’d bet my left nut that we hear about that on the first night.

Revian, 24, Nurse, Santa Monica, CA

While the headline says that Revian is a nurse, I don’t think she’s actually a nurse. Her bio says that she’s an esthetician who enjoys music festivals, which is a polite way of saying her actual job is made up and she lives for Coachella. Just own it, Revian.

Sydney, 27, NBA Dancer, New York, NY

The only noteworthy morsel in Sydney’s bio is that she’s never had a boyfriend, which at the age of 27 is a huge red flag. At least she isn’t a virgin.

Tahzjuan, 25, Business Development Associate, Castle Pines, CO

Whats the over/under on number of weeks it will take Colton to be able to pronounce Tahzjuan’s name? Her bio says that she has a tattoo that says “I love bad ideas,” and I’ll be honest, I fucking love that. I have a feeling she’s going to be fun to watch.

Tayshia, 28, Phlebotomist, Corona Del Mar, CA

Tayshia is the girl that goes around in the morning drawing blood from patients for labs and shit like that, so I respect the hell out of her for making my life easier. That being said, her career doesn’t exactly lend itself to dinner conversation, so hopefully she’s got a few hobbies up her sleeve.

Tracy, 31, Wardrobe Stylist, Los Angeles, CA

Tracy is 100% in this for fame. There is not a snowball’s chance in hell a woman in her 30’s has any desire to waste time teaching Colton the virgin how to make her happy in the boudoir. She’d rather just go home to her vibrator than deal with any of that shit.

That’s it, folks. I have a feeling we’ve got quite the spectacle ahead of us, so may as well ask Santa for some extra wine, Pedialyte, and Advil this year. Colton’s season of The Bachelor premieres on January 7th, so see you then. .

Images via ABC

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Crick Watson MD

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